Quote by Zach Galifianakis (about Dessert)

If you read my blog, you know I'm a pilates freak. And by pilates, I mean waffles.

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I tend to think of myself as a one-man wolf pack.

I don't mean to be gross, but the only time it's good to yell "I have diarrhea" is when you're playing Scrabble because it's worth a shitload of points.

Zach Galifianakis

I've never been in love... But I imagine it's similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.

Zach Galifianakis

Food Restaurants

Inappropriateness is funny to me. Rudeness is hilarious.

Zach Galifianakis

I am going to be the next Ryan Gosling.

Zach Galifianakis

Ryan Gosling

I'm Greek. My body produces feta cheese.

Zach Galifianakis

Griechenland

The word abbreviation sure is long for what it means.

Zach Galifianakis

You know you have a drinking problem when the bartender knows your name - and you've never been to that bar before.

Zach Galifianakis

Alcohol

I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.

Zach Galifianakis

My real last name is Galifianakisburg.

Zach Galifianakis

How does President Obama like his coffee? Like himself? Weak?

Zach Galifianakis in Between Two Ferns

Barack Obama

I think those neighborhood signs that say "slow children playing" are mean.

Zach Galifianakis

I'll never forget my grandmother's last words. She said 'What are you doing?'

Zach Galifianakis

Zach Galifianakis: "You have a hit pop song called 'Starving'."
Hailee Steinfeld: "Yes I do. Let me guess, you can't relate?"

Hailee Steinfeld in Between Two Ferns

Zach Galifianakis: "You played in a movie called The Hunger Games."
Jennifer Lawrence: "Yeah. Isn't that your life story?"
Zach Galifianakis: "You shouldn't say that. That's off-putting."
Jennifer Lawrence: "You should be off-pudding. Because you're fat."

Jennifer Lawrence in Between Two Ferns

The Hunger Games Fat People

Zach Galifianakis: "What is it like to be the last black president?"
Barack Obama: "Seriously? What's it like for this to be the last time, you'll ever talk to a president?"

Barack Obama in Between Two Ferns

Funny Politician Quotes

Phil: "Did you understand a word he just said?"
Stu: "Yeah, I got about two thirds. He said something about the Garden of Meditation."
Alan: "No, he said he's farting because of his medication. I get that."

Alan Garner in The Hangover - Part II

Stu: "Honestly, the two of you were barely invited."
Doug: "All right, I get it, I really do. It's just, you know what? Alan considers you to be one of his best friends."

Doug Billings in The Hangover - Part II

Tracy: "Seriously, what is wrong with you three?"
Phil: "So much, Trace, I don't even know where to begin."

Phil Wenneck in The Hangover - Part II

I think that for me, as a UNC graduate, I value my education - I think everyone who's gone to that university values education.

Kenny Smith

North Carolina Charlotte

Michael: "Don't forget my North Carolina shorts!"
Daffy: "Your shorts? From college?"
Michael: "I wore them under my Chicago Bulls uniform every game."
Looney Tunes: "Eeeew."
Michael: "I washed them after every game."
Daffy: "Hahaha... sure!"

Daffy Duck in Space Jam

North Carolina

They say money can't buy happiness, but it can buy a flight to North Carolina - and that's pretty much the same thing.

North Carolina

I was expecting you sometime last week. Not that it matters. You come and go as you please. Always have and always will. You've caught me a bit unprepared I'm afraid. Uh, we've only got cold chicken, a bit of pickle... there's some cheese here... oh, no. Er, we've got raspberry jam, an apple tart... oh, no, we're alright! I've just found some sponge cake.

Bilbo Baggins in The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring - to Gandalf

Dessert

Kim Jong-un is very isolated in his own country. He's the only obese person in North Korea.

Olaf Schubert in heute-show - heute-show vom 08.09.2017

Kim Jong Un North Korea

One of the main differences between Munich and Berlin is that when thousands of people get drunk in silly clothes and start vomitting, we don't call it "Oktoberfest", we call it "Tuesday".

Felix Lobrecht

Berlin Munich Oktoberfest

To never be sick can't be healthy.

Karl Valentin

Illness & Sickness

A Christian telling an atheist they're going to hell is as scary as a child telling an adult they're not getting any presents from Santa.

Ricky Gervais

Atheism Santa Claus Hölle

Life is so damn short. For f's sake, just do what makes you happy!

Bill Murray

Life

Life is fleeting. And if you're ever distressed, cast your eyes to the summer sky when the stars are strung across the velvety night. And when a shooting star streaks through the blackness, turning night into day... make a wish and think of me.

Robin Williams

Shooting Stars

This is the end of Wladimir Putin.

Jan Böhmermann - February 2022

Vladimir Putin Russia-Ukraine War

People say that money changes people. It really doesn't. Money don't change people. Money allows you to be more of who you really are. If you're a kind person when you get a lot of money, you become a kinder person. If you're an a-shole when you get a lot of money, you become a big a-shole. When you see rich people acting like a-sholes it's 'cause they've always been one.

Steve Harvey - February 2021

Money

Life is too short to worry about what others say about you. Have fun and give them something to talk about.

Kevin Hart

Gossip & Rumors

Spotify, the app with the entire history of recorded music that you only use to listen to four songs that you liked in high school.

Trevor Noah in The Daily Show - The Truth Behind Music Streaming

Spotify

Where I'm from? A little town called none of yo god damn business.

Dave Chappelle

The last person that was excited about a check with Donald Trump's name on it was Stormy Daniels.

Oliver Welke in heute-show - Sendung vom 24.04.2020

Donald Trump Corona-Jokes

Quote by Zach Galifianakis (about Dessert)

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