The best Quotes by Zach Galifianakis

If you read my blog, you know I'm a pilates freak. And by pilates, I mean waffles.

I tend to think of myself as a one-man wolf pack.

I don't mean to be gross, but the only time it's good to yell "I have diarrhea" is when you're playing Scrabble because it's worth a shitload of points.

I've never been in love... But I imagine it's similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.

Inappropriateness is funny to me. Rudeness is hilarious.

I am going to be the next Ryan Gosling.

I'm Greek. My body produces feta cheese.

The word abbreviation sure is long for what it means.

You know you have a drinking problem when the bartender knows your name - and you've never been to that bar before.

I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.

My real last name is Galifianakisburg.

How does President Obama like his coffee? Like himself? Weak?

I think those neighborhood signs that say "slow children playing" are mean.

I'll never forget my grandmother's last words. She said 'What are you doing?'

Zach Galifianakis: "You have a hit pop song called 'Starving'."
Hailee Steinfeld: "Yes I do. Let me guess, you can't relate?"

Zach Galifianakis: "You played in a movie called The Hunger Games."
Jennifer Lawrence: "Yeah. Isn't that your life story?"
Zach Galifianakis: "You shouldn't say that. That's off-putting."
Jennifer Lawrence: "You should be off-pudding. Because you're fat."

Zach Galifianakis: "What is it like to be the last black president?"
Barack Obama: "Seriously? What's it like for this to be the last time, you'll ever talk to a president?"

Phil: "Did you understand a word he just said?"
Stu: "Yeah, I got about two thirds. He said something about the Garden of Meditation."
Alan: "No, he said he's farting because of his medication. I get that."

Stu: "Honestly, the two of you were barely invited."
Doug: "All right, I get it, I really do. It's just, you know what? Alan considers you to be one of his best friends."

Tracy: "Seriously, what is wrong with you three?"
Phil: "So much, Trace, I don't even know where to begin."

I think that for me, as a UNC graduate, I value my education - I think everyone who's gone to that university values education.

Michael: "Don't forget my North Carolina shorts!"
Daffy: "Your shorts? From college?"
Michael: "I wore them under my Chicago Bulls uniform every game."
Looney Tunes: "Eeeew."
Michael: "I washed them after every game."
Daffy: "Hahaha... sure!"

They say money can't buy happiness, but it can buy a flight to North Carolina - and that's pretty much the same thing.

Sometimes I think that the one thing I love most about being an adult is the right to buy candy whenever and wherever I want.

It's not easy to leave your hometown and your family and your support system and come out to Los Angeles to - to pursue a dream where the odds are not in your favor.

I never was that boy who loved gangster films, but when I was growing up, I was obsessed with the detective Dick Tracy. It was one of my favourite movies as a kid, and he really inspired me. I would have loved to be part of that golden age of Hollywood in the 1940s. It made me want to become an actor.

For the world has changed, and we must change with it.

When you fall, the real test is whether you can ignore the naysayers, pick yourself up and come back stronger.

Change will not come if we wait for some other person or some other time. We are the ones we've been waiting for. We are the change that we seek.

I was expecting you sometime last week. Not that it matters. You come and go as you please. Always have and always will. You've caught me a bit unprepared I'm afraid. Uh, we've only got cold chicken, a bit of pickle... there's some cheese here... oh, no. Er, we've got raspberry jam, an apple tart... oh, no, we're alright! I've just found some sponge cake.

You know the thing about good food? It brings folks together from all walks of life.

In Italy, you know you've found a truly authentic restaurant when they don't have an English menu. In India, it's when there are no utensils and you must eat with your hands.

The greatest tragedies were written by the Greeks and by Shakespeare. Neither knew chocolate. The Swiss are known for nonviolence. They are also known for superb chocolate.

To alcohol! The cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems!

Kim Jong-un is very isolated in his own country. He's the only obese person in North Korea.

One of the main differences between Munich and Berlin is that when thousands of people get drunk in silly clothes and start vomitting, we don't call it "Oktoberfest", we call it "Tuesday".

To never be sick can't be healthy.

A Christian telling an atheist they're going to hell is as scary as a child telling an adult they're not getting any presents from Santa.

Life is so damn short. For f's sake, just do what makes you happy!