Quotes and Sayings about Your Mom jokes

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You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.

Dean Martin

Alcohol Funny Quotes

"There's perfect men around every corner", said God an made the Earth round.

Funny Quotes Singles & Dating

Working out makes people more comfortable with their naked bodies. So does Tequila.

Funny Quotes Tequila Being naked

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

George Carlin

Funny Quotes Santa Claus Bad Girls

Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I've done it thousands of times.

Mark Twain

Smoking Funny Quotes

Bacteria is the only culture some people have.

Foolishness Culture Funny Quotes

If you're not careful, Netflix & Chill can turn into Disney+ & Children pretty damn fast.

Funny Quotes Netflix

Work eight hours and sleep eight hours and make sure that they are not the same hours.

T. Boone Pickens

Work Sleeping Funny Quotes

What would I put in a museum? Probably a museum. That's an amusing relic of our past.

John Hodgman

Funny Quotes Museums

Wade: "What can I get for $275 and a Yogurtland rewards card?"
Vanessa: "Baby, about 48 minutes of whatever the f*ck you want. And a low-fat dessert."

Vanessa Carlysle in Deadpool

Funny Quotes

I do not like broccoli. And I haven't liked it since I was a little kid and my mother made me eat it. And I'm President of the United States and I'm not going to eat any more broccoli.

George H. W. Bush

Funny Quotes

Behind every successful man is a proud wife and a surprised mother-in-law.

Hubert H. Humphrey

Weddings Funny Quotes Mothers in law Marriage

There is no pleasure in having nothing to do; the fun is in having lots to do and not doing it.

Mary Wilson Little

Laziness Funny Quotes Fun

There are two sides to every question: my side and the wrong side.

Oscar Levant

Funny Quotes

Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic, and so am I.

Oscar Levant

Funny Quotes

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

Mitch Hedberg

Funny Quotes

If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?

Jerry Seinfeld

Funny Quotes

My first words, as I was being born I looked up at my mother and said, "that's the last time I'm going up one of those!"

Stephen Fry

Funny Quotes

My mind is like an internet browser - I have 23 tabs open, 4 are frozen, and I don't know where the music is coming from.

Funny Quotes

I went to a costume party dressed as a chicken and hooked up with a girl dressed as an egg.

Long story short:
The chicken.

Funny Quotes Chicken & Roosters Eggs

There are only two things I can't stand in this world: People who are intolerant of other people's cultures... and the Dutch.

Nigel Powers in Austin Powers - Goldmember

Funny Quotes Netherlands

I would never go bungee jumping. A broken rubber brought me into this world, a broken rubber isn't taking me out of it.

Funny Quotes

The mind is a complex and many-layered thing, Potter... or at least, most minds are.

Severus Snape in Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix

Harry James Potter Spirit Funny Insults

Christ, you two! All I can say is if I ever get anal polyps, I'll know what to name them.

Saul Goodman in Breaking Bad - Season 4 Episode 13

Funny Insults

Longbottom, if brains were gold, you'd be poorer than Weasley, and that's saying something.

Draco Malfoy in Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone

Neville Longbottom Funny Insults

I'll be very clear here, because you and I face an evolutionary gap.

John Abruzzi in Prison Break - Season 1 Episode 7

Funny Insults

I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.

Winston Churchill

Dump-Quotes Funny Politician Quotes Funny Insults

I'm gonna knock your teeth so far down your throat, you'll have to shove a toothbrush up your ass to brush 'em.

Luke Hobbs in Fast and Furious

Funny Insults Ass

Student: "Nice wig, Janis. What's it made of?"
Janis: "Your mom's chest hair!"

Mean Girls

Funny Insults

Griselda: "I heard that you liked my product."
Eddie 'The Bird' Rancon: "Beautiful. Was like shoving a f*cking coca plant up my nose."
Griselda: "Give the size of that thing I bet you have the whole f*cking brick up there."

Griselda Blanco in Griselda - Season 1 Episode 1

Funny Insults Cocaine

The eyes are open, the mouth moves, but Mr Brain has long since departed, hasn't he, Percy?

Edmund Blackadder in Blackadder

Funny Insults Brain

Your brain is so minute Baldrick, that if a hungry cannibal cracked your head open, there wouldn't be enough to cover a small water biscuit.

Edmund Blackadder in Blackadder

Funny Insults

Baldrick, your head is as empty as a eunach's underpants.

Edmund Blackadder in Blackadder

Funny Insults

Prince George: "Someone said I had the wit and intellect of a donkey."
Blackadder: "Oh, an absurd suggestion sir. Unless it was a particularly stupid donkey."

Edmund Blackadder in Blackadder

Funny Insults Donkeys

My fists have a very strict diet... they only eat losers!

Balrog in Street Fighter - II

Funny Insults

Whenever people agree with me, I always feel I must be wrong.

HK-47 in Star Wars Games - Knights of the Old Republic

Funny Insults

One of the both of us is smarter than you are.

Funny Insults

I never forget a face. But in your case, I'll make an exception.

Mockingbird in King's Quest - VII: The Princeless Bride

Funny Insults

Are you a professional moron or just a gifted amateur?

Carl "CJ" Johnson in GTA - Grand Theft Auto - San Andreas

Funny Insults

"The only time you seem honest is when you're insulting someone!"
"The only honest things I can say to you are insults."

Brandon Sanderson in The Stormlight Archive - Words of Radiance

Dump-Quotes Funny Insults

Girl, if brains were dynamite, you'd be a dud.

Tahm Kench, the River King in League of Legends - to Jinx

Funny Insults

If your heart is gold and your body is steel, why's tin between your ears?

Tahm Kench, the River King in League of Legends - to Blitzcrank

Funny Insults

Somebody once said I had a face for radio and a voice for newspapers.

Jerry Springer

Funny Insults

Pinky, you give a whole new meaning to the phrase, "counter-intelligence". You have the I.Q. of plaster.

Brain in Pinky and the Brain

Funny Insults

You know you fail at Minecraft when you think dirt is useless.

Minecraft

So you're mining stuff to craft with and crafting stuff to mine with? Did your dad write this game?

Rick Sanchez in Rick and Morty - Season 3 Episode 10

Minecraft

Fortnite really is just the perfect storm of a game. You have the fact that it's free to play on almost every platform, and everything about the game is enjoyable.

Ninja

Fortnite

We see that as Fortnite evolves, it's evolving beyond being a game.

Tim Sweeney (CEO Epic Games)

Fortnite

Quotes and Sayings about Your Mom jokes

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