The best Puns and Wordplays

Nobody dies a virgin. Life f*cks us all.

Don't cross oceans for people, who wouldn't jump puddles for you.

Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love.

Michael: "Can we have him for supper?"
Sylvia: "Have him to stay for supper, Michael. We aren't cannibals."

Most people have a rope that ties them to someone, and that rope can be short or it can be long. (Be long. Belong. Get it?) You don't know how long, though. It's not your choice.

What's the difference between peanut butter and jam?
You can't peanut butter your dick up someone's ass.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

I don't like jail, they got the wrong kind of bars in there.

The older I get, the better I was.

She really had a fat but: her fat butt!

You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.

"There's perfect men around every corner", said God an made the Earth round.

Working out makes people more comfortable with their naked bodies. So does Tequila.

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I've done it thousands of times.

Bacteria is the only culture some people have.

If you're not careful, Netflix & Chill can turn into Disney+ & Children pretty damn fast.

Work eight hours and sleep eight hours and make sure that they are not the same hours.

What would I put in a museum? Probably a museum. That's an amusing relic of our past.

Wade: "What can I get for $275 and a Yogurtland rewards card?"
Vanessa: "Baby, about 48 minutes of whatever the f*ck you want. And a low-fat dessert."

I do not like broccoli. And I haven't liked it since I was a little kid and my mother made me eat it. And I'm President of the United States and I'm not going to eat any more broccoli.

Behind every successful man is a proud wife and a surprised mother-in-law.

There is no pleasure in having nothing to do; the fun is in having lots to do and not doing it.

Whatever you do in this life, it's not legendary, unless your friends are there to see it.

Barney: "Our wedding is gonna be legendary."
Robin: "No wait for it?"
Barney: "I've got you, I don't have to wait for it anymore."

Underneath all of those lies is one true thing. One true thing that can support the weight of all the lies in the world, and that's the fact that I love you.

It's only once you've stopped, that you realize how hard it is to start again. So you force yourself not to want it.

If you're looking for the word that means caring for someone beyond all rationality and wanting them to have everything they want, no matter how much it destroys you, it's love!

Kids, you can't cling to the past. Because no matter how tight you hold on... it's already gone.

Being gay was a bit like the Olympics: It disappeared in ancient times, and then they brought it back in the twentieth century.

Knowing that you want to die makes you less scared.

The duty of youth is to challenge corruption.

Sometimes you must hurt in order to know, fall in order to grow, lose in order to gain. Because life's greatest lessons are learned through pain.

Being different isn't a bad thing. It means you're brave enough to be yourself.

Logic will get you from A to Z; imagination will get you everywhere.

I fell in love the way you fall asleep: slowly, and then all at once.

Young boys should never be sent to bed... they always wake up a day older.

You know the thing about good food? It brings folks together from all walks of life.

I've committed to nothing... and that's just suicide by tiny, tiny increments.

It's the way it works: Love plus time minus distance equals hate.

You can kiss your family and friends good-bye and put miles between you, but at the same time you carry them with you in your heart, your mind your stomach, because you do not just live in a world but a world lives in you.

Real loneliness is not necessarily limited to when you are alone.

Chefkoch: "Well, if you want him to get really fat as fast as possible, one of you will have to marry him."
Stan: "Marry him?"
Chefkoch: "It definitely worked for every woman i ever met."

Small is the number of them that see with their own eyes and feel with their own hearts.

I'm very good at the past. It's the present I can't understand.

I fell in love with football as I was later to fall in love with women: suddenly, inexplicably, uncritically, giving no thought to the pain or disruption it would bring with it.