The best Puns and Wordplays

Sylvia Davies in Finding Neverland

Most people have a rope that ties them to someone, and that rope can be short or it can be long. (Be long. Belong. Get it?) You don't know how long, though. It's not your choice.

Nick Hornby in A Long Way Down

Relationships Family

What's the difference between peanut butter and jam?
You can't peanut butter your dick up someone's ass.

Barney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother - Season 4 Episode 20

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

Markus Herz - often misattributed to Mark Twain

I don't like jail, they got the wrong kind of bars in there.

Charles Bukowski

The older I get, the better I was.

She really had a fat but: her fat butt!

Barney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother - Season 3 Episode 4

Fat People

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You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.

Dean Martin

Alcohol Funny Quotes

"There's perfect men around every corner", said God an made the Earth round.

Funny Quotes Singles & Dating

Working out makes people more comfortable with their naked bodies. So does Tequila.

Funny Quotes Tequila Being naked

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

George Carlin

Funny Quotes Santa Claus Bad Girls

Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I've done it thousands of times.

Mark Twain

Smoking Funny Quotes

Bacteria is the only culture some people have.

Foolishness Culture Funny Quotes

If you're not careful, Netflix & Chill can turn into Disney+ & Children pretty damn fast.

Funny Quotes Netflix

Work eight hours and sleep eight hours and make sure that they are not the same hours.

T. Boone Pickens

Work Sleeping Funny Quotes

What would I put in a museum? Probably a museum. That's an amusing relic of our past.

John Hodgman

Funny Quotes Museums

Wade: "What can I get for $275 and a Yogurtland rewards card?"
Vanessa: "Baby, about 48 minutes of whatever the f*ck you want. And a low-fat dessert."

Vanessa Carlysle in Deadpool

Funny Quotes

I do not like broccoli. And I haven't liked it since I was a little kid and my mother made me eat it. And I'm President of the United States and I'm not going to eat any more broccoli.

George H. W. Bush

Funny Quotes

Behind every successful man is a proud wife and a surprised mother-in-law.

Hubert H. Humphrey

Weddings Funny Quotes Mothers in law Marriage

There is no pleasure in having nothing to do; the fun is in having lots to do and not doing it.

Mary Wilson Little

Laziness Funny Quotes Fun

Whatever you do in this life, it's not legendary, unless your friends are there to see it.

Barney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother - Season 9 Episode 17

Barney: "Our wedding is gonna be legendary."
Robin: "No wait for it?"
Barney: "I've got you, I don't have to wait for it anymore."

Barney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother - Season 9 Episode 1

Love declerations

Underneath all of those lies is one true thing. One true thing that can support the weight of all the lies in the world, and that's the fact that I love you.

Barney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother - Season 8 Episode 18

Love declerations

It's only once you've stopped, that you realize how hard it is to start again. So you force yourself not to want it.

Ted Mosby in How I Met Your Mother - Season 6 Episode 3

Breakup Beginning

If you're looking for the word that means caring for someone beyond all rationality and wanting them to have everything they want, no matter how much it destroys you, it's love!

Ted Mosby in How I Met Your Mother - Season 9 Episode 17

Love

Kids, you can't cling to the past. Because no matter how tight you hold on... it's already gone.

Ted Mosby in How I Met Your Mother - Season 8 Episode 23

Memories Past

Being gay was a bit like the Olympics: It disappeared in ancient times, and then they brought it back in the twentieth century.

Nick Hornby in A Long Way Down

Homosexuality & LGBTQ+

Knowing that you want to die makes you less scared.

Nick Hornby in A Long Way Down

Death

The duty of youth is to challenge corruption.

Kurt Cobain

Corruption

Sometimes you must hurt in order to know, fall in order to grow, lose in order to gain. Because life's greatest lessons are learned through pain.

Pain / Nagato in Naruto

Life Pain Hurting Falling down

Being different isn't a bad thing. It means you're brave enough to be yourself.

Luna Lovegood in Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix

Character Self-Confidence

Logic will get you from A to Z; imagination will get you everywhere.

Albert Einstein

Reason & Sanity Imagination

I fell in love the way you fall asleep: slowly, and then all at once.

John Green in The Fault in Our Stars

Falling in love

Young boys should never be sent to bed... they always wake up a day older.

Finding Neverland

Children & Childhood Bed

You know the thing about good food? It brings folks together from all walks of life.

James in The Princess and the Frog

Food

I've committed to nothing... and that's just suicide by tiny, tiny increments.

Nick Hornby in High Fidelity

It's the way it works: Love plus time minus distance equals hate.

Louis C. K. - 2017

Relationships Marriage

You can kiss your family and friends good-bye and put miles between you, but at the same time you carry them with you in your heart, your mind your stomach, because you do not just live in a world but a world lives in you.

William Paul Young in The Shack

Friendship Family

Real loneliness is not necessarily limited to when you are alone.

Charles Bukowski

Solitude & Loneliness

Chefkoch: "Well, if you want him to get really fat as fast as possible, one of you will have to marry him."
Stan: "Marry him?"
Chefkoch: "It definitely worked for every woman i ever met."

Chef in South Park - Season 6 Episode 2

Fat People

Small is the number of them that see with their own eyes and feel with their own hearts.

Albert Einstein in The World As I See It

Heart Self-Deception Self-Confidence Seeing

I'm very good at the past. It's the present I can't understand.

Nick Hornby in High Fidelity

I fell in love with football as I was later to fall in love with women: suddenly, inexplicably, uncritically, giving no thought to the pain or disruption it would bring with it.

Nick Hornby in Fever Pitch

Quotes about Football/Soccer Falling in love

The best Puns and Wordplays

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