Quotes by Woody Allen

Heywood "Woody" Allen is an American director, writer, actor, and comedian whose career spans more than six decades. He began his career as a comedy writer in the 1950s, writing jokes and scripts for television and publishing several books of short humor pieces.

The best Quotes and Sayings

To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering, one must not love. But, then one suffers from not loving.

Love, BreakupWoody Allen
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I wondered if a memory is something you have or something you've lost.

Memories, PastWoody Allen
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I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens.

Woody Allen
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Love is the answer. But while you're waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions.

Love, SexWoody Allen
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In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.

WomenWoody Allen
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Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

Money, PovertyWoody Allen
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Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.

Homosexuality & LGBTQWoody Allen
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I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.

Laughing & SmileWoody Allen
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Can we actually 'know' the universe? My God, it's hard enough finding your way around in Chinatown.

Universe, UnderstandingWoody Allen
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Man consists of two parts, his mind and his body, only the body has more fun.

Humanity, Body, Mind & ApprehensionWoody Allen
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What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream?

Woody Allen
 
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Tradition is the illusion of permanance.

TraditionWoody Allen
 
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What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.

RealityWoody Allen
 
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When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

Woody Allen
 
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Some guy hit my fender, and I told him, 'Be fruitful and multiply', but not in those words.

Woody Allen
 
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My brain: it's my second favorite organ.

Woody Allen
 
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It is impossible to travel faster than the speed of light, and certainly not desirable, as one's hat keeps blowing off.

Woody Allen
 
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I can't listen to that much Wagner. I start getting the urge to conquer Poland.

Woody Allen
 
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I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

Woody Allen
 
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In California, they don't throw their garbage away - they make it into TV shows.

Television, CaliforniaWoody Allen
 
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I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.

Woody Allen
 
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There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?

Woody Allen
 
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Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go its pretty damn good.

SexWoody Allen
 
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Eighty percent of success is showing up.

Woody Allen
 
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