Quotes by Woody Allen

To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering, one must not love. But, then one suffers from not loving.

I wondered if a memory is something you have or something you've lost.

I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens.

Love is the answer. But while you're waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions.

I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?

In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.

I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.

Can we actually 'know' the universe? My God, it's hard enough finding your way around in Chinatown.

Man consists of two parts, his mind and his body, only the body has more fun.

What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream?

Tradition is the illusion of permanance.

What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

Some guy hit my fender, and I told him, 'Be fruitful and multiply', but not in those words.

My brain: it's my second favorite organ.

It is impossible to travel faster than the speed of light, and certainly not desirable, as one's hat keeps blowing off.

I can't listen to that much Wagner. I start getting the urge to conquer Poland.

I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

In California, they don't throw their garbage away - they make it into TV shows.

Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go its pretty damn good.

Eighty percent of success is showing up.