Quotes by Vernon Dursley

Funny way to get to a wizards' school, the train. Magic carpets all got punctures, have they?

"Hurry up, boy!" shouted Uncle Vernon from the kitchen. "What are you doing, checking for letter-bombs?" He chuckled at his own joke.

"Fought 'em off, did you, son?" said Uncle Vernon loudly, with the appearance of a man struggling to bring the conversation back on to a plane he understood. "Gave 'em the old one-two, did you?"
"You can't give a Dementor the old one-two," said Harry through clenched teeth.

Harry Potter: "What if I accidentally let something slip?"
Uncle Vernon: "You'll get the stuffing knocked out of you, won't you?"

I will not pay to have some crackpot old fool teach him magic tricks!

What have I told you about saying the "M"-word in our house?

Uncle Vernon: "Fine day, Sunday. In my opinion, best day of the week. Why is that, Dudley?"
Harry: "Because there's no post on Sundays?"
Uncle Vernon: "Right you are, Harry! No post on Sundays. No blasted letters today! No, sir! Not one single bloody letter!"

Why we ever kept you in the first place, I don't know, Marge was right, it should have been the orphanage. We were too damn soft for our own good, thought we could squash it out of you, thought we could turn you normal, but you’ve been rotten from the beginning and I've had enough.

I'm warning you, I'm warning you now, boy - any funny business, anything at all - and you'll be in that cupboard from now until Christmas.

When will they learn, that hanging's the only way to deal with these people?

"Record numbers of stranded holidaymakers fill airports as the Spanish baggage-handlers' strike reaches its second week -"
"Give 'em a lifelong siesta, I would," snarled Uncle Vernon over the end of the newsreader's sentence.

Owls treating the place like a rest home, puddings exploding, half the lounge destroyed, Dudley's tail, Marge bobbing around on the ceiling and that flying Ford Anglia - OUT! OUT! You've had it! You're history!

Vernon: "Hang on. This Lord Voldything's back, you say."
Harry: "Yes."
Vernon: "The one who murdered your parents."
Harry: "Yes."
Vernon: "And now he's sending Dismembers after you?"
Harry: "Looks like it."
Vernon: "I see."

There's no such thing as magic!