Quotes by Tyrion Lannister

A mind needs books like a sword needs a whetstone.

You just sent the most powerful man in Westeros to bed without his supper.

I don't pay you to put evil notions in my head. The ones already there don't need company.

Everything's better with some wine in the belly.

Tyrion: "It was a gift, Podrick. This is more than I give you in a year!"
Bronn: "He's a squire. You don't pay him."
Tyrion: "Oh, then it's much more than I give you in a year."

Love is more powerful than reason.

Never forget who you are. The rest of the world will not. Wear it like armor and it can never be used against you.

That's what I do. I drink and I know things.

Who needs wealth when you can make a woman laugh?

We make peace with our enemies, not our friends.

The powerful have always preyed on the powerless, that's how they became powerful in the first place.

Tyrion: "A wise man once said a true history of the world is a history of great conversations in elegant rooms."
Missandei: "Who said this?"
Tyrion: "Me, just now."

Tyrion: "Any advice for me on my new position?"
Petyr: "Keep a low profile."
Tyrion: "If I had a gold dragon for every time I heard that joke, I'd be richer than you are."
Petyr: "Well, you are richer than I am."
Tyrion: "Good point."

Cersei: "You're a clever man, but you're not half as clever as you think you are."
Tyrion: "Still makes me more clever than you."

I'm not questioning your honor, Lord Janos, I'm denying its existence.

I did not do it. I did not kill Joffrey but I wish that I had. Watching your vicious bastard die gave me more relief than a thousand lying wh-res!

It's easy to confuse what is with what ought to be, especially when what is has worked out in your favor.

Never forget what you are, the rest of the world will not. Wear it like armor and it can never be used against you.

We've had vicious kings and we had idiot kings. I don't know if we've ever been cursed with a vicious idiot.

Petyr: "I hear you owe that boy a significant debt."
Tyrion: "Only my life. Not all that significant, I'm afraid."

Tens of thousands of innocent lives for one not particularly innocent dwarf. Seems like a fair trade.

Varys: "He's a man, which makes him more appealing to the lords of Westeros, whose support we are going to need."
Tyrion: "Joffrey was a man. I don't think a c-ck is a true qualification, as I'm sure you'd agree."

Tyrion: "Maybe we should have stayed married."
Sansa: "You were the best of them."
Tyrion: "Terrifying thought."

Should I explain to you the meaning of a closed door in a wh-re house, brother?

Tyrion: "You should consider yourself lucky. At least your balls won't freeze off."
Varys: "You take great offense at dwarf jokes, but love telling eunuch jokes. Why is that?"
Tyrion: "Because I have balls, and you don't."

Grand Maester Pycelle made the same joke. You must be proud to be as funny as a man whose balls brush his knees.

Joffrey: "If I tell the Hound to cut you in half, he'll do it without a second thought."
Tyrion: "That would make me the quarter-man. Just doesn't have the same ring to it."

It's not easy being drunk all the time. Everyone would do it if it were easy.

Bronn: "I'm sorry it has to be this way."
Tyrion: "Why are you sorry? Because you're an evil bastard with no conscience and no heart? That's what I liked about you in the first place."

Drinking and lust, no man can match me in these things.

Shagga: "How would you like to die, Tyrion, son of Tywin?"
Tyrion: "In my own bed, at the age of 80, with a belly full of wine and a girl's mouth around my c-ck."

Death is so final, whereas life is full of possibilities.

Tyrion: "Don't trust anyone in King's Landing. They're all liars. Good liars, bad liars, one or two great liars."
Shae: "What about you?"
Tyrion: "Me, I'm not from here. I'm a slave to the truth."

Marillion: "I can sing your father's victory in King's Landing."
Tyrion: "Nothing would more likely ruin my supper."

It's hard to put a leash on a dog once you put a crown on its head.

Try the boar! Cersei can't get enough of it since one killed Robert for her.

Oberyn: "I did spend some time with some absolutely stunning blonde the other day."
Tyrion: "Do tell! I've got every kind of filth down here except the kind I like."

A toast. To the proud Lannister children... the dwarf, the cripple and the mother of madness.

Oberyn: "The biggest disappointment - you."
Tyrion: "You and my family have more in common than you might admit."

I have a tender spot in my heart for cripples, bastards and broken things.

Sandor Clegane: "Rough night, imp?"
Tyrion: "If I get through this without squirting from one end or the other, it'll be a miracle."

Bran: "I'm not a cripple."
Tyrion: "Then I'm not a dwarf, my father will be joyous to hear it."

Next time I have an idea like that, punch me in the face!

General rule of thumb: Stark men don't fare well when they travel south.

Sometimes we think we want to hear something, and it's only afterwards when it's too late we realize we wished we'd heard it under entirely different circumstances.

I will not give my life for Joffery's murder and I know I'll get no justice here, so I will let the gods decide my fate. I demand a trial by combat.