Women reject me for 100 different reasons. White teeth would reduce that to 99 problems.Teeth & DentistsAlan Harper in Two and a half Men, Season 10 Episode 2
Well, listen, just remember, that love will get u through times of no money better, than money will get you through times of no love.Alan Harper in Two and a half Men, Season 9 Episode 20
Alan: "Why don't you get a vasectomy?"
Charlie: "I've considered it. In fact, a couple of years ago I believe there was a petition circulating."
The damage has been done. All that's left to do now is drink until the part of the brain that creates mental pictures is dead.Charlie Harper in Two and a half Men, Season 1 Episode 18
Alan: "I feel sorry that your heart has become so hard and small, that you've lost the capacity to connect with another human being on any level any more meaningful, than the inebriated exchange of bodily fluids."
Charlie: "Boy, leave it to you to take a beautiful thing like drunken sex and make it sound dirty."
Alan: "What are you afraid off?"
Charlie: "I'm afraid I'm gonna hit you so hard, I'll be an only-child."
Alan: "When a boy becomes a man - and that's what you're becoming - he has to start protecting the women in his life from certain things."
Charlie: "Like the truth."
Alan: "You can't stay here alone."
Jake: "Why not?"
Alan: "You know why not."
Jake: "But you don't have a turtle to put in the microwave anymore."
Alan: "We judge a person by what's inside and not by what they wear."
Jake: "Lucky for you, huh?"
Alan: "Charlie, there's a half naked woman in our kitchen!"
Charlie: "Which half?"
It doesn't matter if you win or loose, it's whether or not you beat the spread.GamblingCharlie Harper in Two and a half Men, Season 1 Episode 5
Charlie: "Don't cry, we can still be friends!"
Charlie: "I'm sorry, it's the only thing I know to say when someone cries around here."
Judith: "I'm very concerned, he's just a child. I don't know if he can deal with this."
Charlie: "Give your son some credit, he's an incredible kid."
Judith: "I was talking about you!"
Alan: "Charlie, I need you to be my eyes and ears."
Charlie: "Okay, but you have to be my liver and prostate."
Charlie: "You know who wrote that song? Your uncle Charlie wrote that!"
Jake: "No lie?"
Charlie: "Kid if I was gonna lie, it would've been 'Stairway To Heaven' and not 'The Maple-Loops-Song'."
Dont worry, there's not enough blood left in my legs to go anywhere.Charlie Harper in Two and a half Men, Season 1 Episode 1
Be sure to wear a condom, not everything stays in Vegas!Alan Harper in Two and a half Men, Season 9 Episode 8
I give you a hint: I didn't do the dog 'people-style'.Alan Harper in Two and a half Men, Season 9 Episode 8
Alan: "Look, if you feel so strongly about this girl, why don't you just call her?"
Charlie: "Yeah, sure, I could call her. I could also Fed-Ex her my testicles in a little silk bag."
Lord. You blessed me with a lot: more money than I know what to do with, a beautiful home, and a surprisingly resilient liver. You have truly given unto me with both hands, which brings me to my request.
Of all the gifts yo've bestowed upon me, none are a greater testament to your glory than Chelsea's heavenly breasts. I don't know why you couldn't have thrown in a sturdy spine so she could tote those things around, but who am I to question your methods?
Anyway, you probably know that she's thinking about tampering with your great work, and I was just hoping that you could, you know that, talk to her, return her to the path of righteousness and bodaciousness. Amen.
Let us consider the hummingbird, Alan. Or the butterfly. All of God's creature are perfect just the way He made them. Except you. You suck.Charlie Harper in Two and a half Men
Charlie: "Alan, you're like an Alzheimer's victim in a whore-house."
Alan: "Excuse me?"
Charlie: "You're constantly surprised when you've been screwed - and you don't want to pay for it!"
What happened? Did Starbucks merge with Hooters? Hooterbucks - I'd like a Double-D Cup Latte, please!Alan Harper in Two and a half Men
Walden: "Let this be a warning to you, Alan. There're women out there, that will be nice to you, just to get to your money."
Alan: "Thanks, but that's not very high on my list of concerns."
Lindsey: "You're tall, good looking, very successful. Believe me, women settle for a lot less!"
Alan: "And thank god for that!"
Walden: "Money does not buy happiness!"
Alan: "I wouldn't know, I never had either."
I could sprinkle you on the beach. It's simple, it's dignified and pretty girls covered with oil will be sitting on you all day. And like your life, except for the dignified part.Alan Harper in Two and a half Men, Season 9 Episode 1
I know what you said you wanted, but I really dont think Pamela Anderson will agree to swallow your ashes.Alan Harper in Two and a half Men, Season 9 Episode 1
[talking to Charlie's urn] Here we are, buddy. Just like old times, I'm talking and you're in a bottle, ignoring me.Alan Harper in Two and a half Men, Season 9 Episode 1
Charlie: "Looks to be a beautiful day. Slightly overcast, but that should burn off in a few hours, leaving us with another sun-dappled afternoon in paradise."
Berta: "You still drunk from last night, or did you get a fresh buzz this morning?"
Charlie: "With his grades, he might as well get used to pushing shopping carts around."
Alan: "Are you saying my son's gonna end up working in a supermarket?"
Charlie: "No, I'm saying he's probably gonna end up homeless."
Jake: "Boy! Is your eye red."
Charlie: "You should see it from in here."
Alan: "You'll go to mom's funeral, won't you Charlie?"
Charlie: "Of course! As the eldest son, it's my duty to pound the last stake into her heart."
Jake: "We had a surprise test today."
Jake: "I was really surprised."
Charlie: "Oh never again, never again."
Berta: "You gonna stop drinking?"
Charlie: "Are you crazy, I'm gonna stop waking up!"
Feelings are like your mother's breasts. You know they're there, but they're better left unfelt.Charlie Harper in Two and a half Men
Jake: "It means 'sexually transmitted disease'."
Charlie: "I know what STD's are!"
Alan: "Your uncle helped invent them."
Jake: "You know, they can be prevented by using a condom."
Charlie: "I know we could have prevented you by using a condom. Now we gotta use a hammer."
Jake: "I don't understand."
Charlie: "Go get me a hammer, and I'll show you."
Jake: "Okay.' [walks out]
Charlie: "You must be so proud."
Jake: "Ballpeen or claw hammer?"
Alan: "Do me a favour. When he comes back, just do it."
Alan: "I feel like the universe is playing some horrible practical joke on me."
Charlie: "Wow, I lost 8000 dollar playing poker, I have no idea where my car is, threw up in my mouth three times, and I'm still having a better night than you are."
That 'Uhm...' is the battle cry of the chronic masturbator.Charlie Harper in Two and a half Men, Season 3 Episode 22
She knows what she's talking about, Alan. Mom's been on more hotel pillows than a chocolate mint.Charlie Harper in Two and a half Men, Season 2 Episode 8
It's a shame, you paying all that money for an ex-wife and an ex-wife's house, and you're not allowed inside either one.Ex QuotesBerta in Two and a half Men, Season 3 Episode 4
Well, I want it on the record that if the kid was running a blackjack game under the bleachers, he didn't necessarily get the idea from me.Charlie Harper in Two and a half Men, Season 2 Episode 3
Charlie: "How did you get in my house?"
Alan: "Okay, Charlie, the key in the fake rock only works if it's among other rocks, not sitting on your welcome mat!"
Charlie: "Excuse me, but if you put the fake rock in with a bunch of other rocks, it's impossible to find when you're drunk."
Alcohol is for people who can afford to lose a few brain-cells.AlcoholCharlie Harper in Two and a half Men, Season 6 Episode 3
You know what the problem is? The women, the drinking... you guys look at me and you think it's easy.Charlie Harper in Two and a half Men, Season 6 Episode 3
Ah, cars. Where would we be without cars? And how would we get there?Charlie Harper in Two and a half Men, Season 4 Episode 22
I guess if they can put a man on the moon, they can put a woman on your brother.Berta in Two and a half Men, Season 2 Episode 8
Why are you dating a woman who most likely lost her virginity during World War II? And knowing her, probably not to one of our guys.Charlie Harper in Two and a half Men, Season 3 Episode 9