Weddings are basically funerals with cake.Marriage0
Nobody exists on purpose. Nobody belongs anywhere. We're all going to die. Come watch TV?Meaning0
Morty: 'Rick, can we not leave without my sister?'
Rick: 'Ugh. You have infinite sisters, Morty. Not that I want to spend the rest of my day looking for another one. Sum-Sum, let's go! Grandpa's concern for your safety is fleeting.'
Rick: "If it's all the same, could we still get our stories straight? Because you're a terrible liar."
Jerry: "You called me a master convincer!"
Rick: "You believed me?"
So you're half cold, unfeeling reptile, half also cold, equally unfeeling machine? Wow, so your origin is what? You fell into a vat of redundancy?0
Bill: 'As Sean just destroys ist. Holy shit, dude! I still had to diagram it.'
Sean: 'Dude, just keep high APM, that's it.'
George: 'As soon as I graduate High-School, I'm gonna be a professional male-model.'
Meemaw: 'That is hilarious.'
George: 'What? I'm good looking.'
Meemaw: 'No, that you think you'll graduate High-School.'
What if Einstein's parents had held him back? We wouldn't even have the... - I was gonna say 'atomic bomb', but there's probably a better example.0
Sean: 'Did the fox just eat a skunk? What happened?'
Bill: 'That was a glitch, running around on the ground and then one of the debuggers got it.'
I drank when I was pregnant with you, you turned out fine. There's everybody saying 'don't drink, don't smoke'. I swear - Texas is turning into California.California, Texas0
The average American consumes 55 pounds of beef per year. And then there's Texas, where we can knock that off in a couple of months. Maybe faster if we're talking about smoked brisket.Texas0
Dr. Eberland: 'I'll write you a prescription for Zantac. Does he smoke?'
Mary Cooper: 'Of course not, he's nine.'
Dr. Eberland: 'I started at his age. But only when I drank.'
Missy Cooper: 'I don't want to die, I've only kissed one boy so far.'
Mary Cooper: 'What?!'
Missy Cooper: 'Relax, it was a long time ago.'
George: 'Everybody knows you pun on fourth down.'
Sheldon: 'Why does everybody knowing something make it right?'
George: 'Because... that's what makes this country great.'
Sheldon: 'Many years later, my brother would use the same argument in front of a judge. He was still convicted for urinating in a phone booth.'
I don't need a calculator, dad. I am one.0
In Texas, the holy trinity is God, Football and barbecue. Not necessarily in that order.Texas0
Meemaw: 'What's on a person's face is not always what's in their heart.'
Sheldon: 'That changes everything, how do you know who to trust?'
Meemaw: 'You don't. That's what makes life interesting.'
Science fact: Sisters are the worst.Sisters0
I actually enjoyed being alone, solitude allowed me to think about important things.Solitude & Being Alone0
Jane Goodall had to go to Africa to study the apes. I just had to go to dinner.0
Of course, nobody I knew in East-Texas in 1989 cared about Newtonian Physics. The only Newtons they cared about were Wayne and Fig.Texas0
Wilson Aubry: 'You victimize innocent people and poop in little girls' mouths.'
Eric Cartman: 'That's not true, Wilson. We're Coon and Friends, not Harvey Weinstein.'
I’ll never turn to the dark side. You’ve failed, your highness. I am a Jedi, like my father before me.0
No, I am your father!0
C-3PO: "The possibility of successfully navigatin an asteroid field is approximately 3720 to 1."
Han Solo: "Never tell me the odds!"
The Force will be with you. Always.0
Failing doesn't give you a reason to give up as long as you believe0
Michael Scofield was like a storm. He was beautiful and frightening and mysterious.0
You can be a better hero. You can be a better hero than I ever was.0
Jay: "I got you a little gift to celebrate. I know it’s not much...-"
Gloria: "It’s practically nothing!"
Clay: "I love you."
Hannah: "Why didn't you say this to me when I was alive?"
The truth isn't always to most exciting version of things, or the best, or the worst. It's somewhere inbetween. But it deserves to be heard and remembered. 'The truth will out', like someone said once. It remains.Truth0
I've heard so many stories about me now that I don't know which one is the most popular. But I do know which is the least popular: the truth.Blasphemy0
I'm sorry that we live in a world where there are people who will put a gun before your lives.Gun-Control0
When someone with a beard attacks us, we tap phones, we invoke travel-bans, we build walls we take care of every possible precaution to make sure it doesn't happen again. But when an American buys a gun and kills other Americans, then there's nothing we can do about that? Second ammendment, I guess. Our forfathers wanted us to have AK-47s is the argument, I assume.Gun-Control0
We home school 'em. I teach the big ones, and the big ones teach the little ones, but nobody taught me, so the whole thing is an exercise in futility.0
If I didn't have this gun, the king of England could walk right in here and start pushing you around.Gun-Control0
When I held that gun in my hand, I felt a surge of power. Like God must feel when he's holding a gun.0
'Is Kumail Nanjiani's dick multiple colors?'
Yes. Every shade of your mom's lipstick. And her butthole.
In case you haven't noticed... I'm weird. I'm a weirdo. I don't fit in, and I don't want to fit in.0
What? Sardonic humor is just my way of relating to the world.0
A dad makes a toilet look like R2-D2 and it breaks the front page of Reddit. But I'm Charles Manson because I gave you your own world instead of an iPad.0
In 1972, a crack commando unit was sent to prison by a military court for a crime they didn't commit. These men promptly escaped from a maximum security stockade to the Los Angeles underground. Today, still wanted by the government, they survive as soldiers of fortune. If you have a problem, if no one else can help, and if you can find them, maybe you can hire the A-Team.0