Jimmy: 'Your dad made me follow you up. Gave me a condom.'
Fiona: 'He must really like you. He usually just gives my boyfriends a dental dam.'
Jenna dances for an audience. You dance like there's no one else in the room. You life's not simple, Fiona, and you can't stop it from showing because you're no fake. You're not lost. You don't need finding. This whole city belongs to the Jennas, I'm sick of them. I swear, Fiona, you're nothing like anyone I've ever met. You make me want to enjoy my life again.Love declerations0
Phillip: 'Did he pitch a tent?'
Phillip: 'Did you make him hard?'
Karen: 'Ever try to play pool with a rope?'
Ninety percent of the world's problems are caused by tiny words that come in pairs. I mean, we're healthy and we're happy, but when people as, we say: 'Not bad.'0
That's the great thing about California, you can almost go to the mountains and almost go to the beach on the same day.California0
Sometimes, the people we like don't like us back, and it's painful, but there's nothing we can do about it. I know what it's like when someone doesn't feel the same way about you. Someone you can't stop thinking about. It hurts. But you can't make people like you. Love isn't about grand gestures, or the moon and the stars. It's just dumb luck. And sometimes, you meet someone who feels the same way. And then sometimes, you're unlucky. But one day, you're gonna meet someone who appreciates you for who you are. I mean, there's seven billion people on the planet. I know one of them is gonna climb up on a moon for you.Love0
Physics answers the question, 'What is the nature of the universe?' Geology answers the question, 'What'd I just trip over?'Physics0
Knowledge is power, power is status and status means popular.Popularity0
I'm really sorry if I gave you the wrong impression. I'm not interested in dating anyone. I'm extremly busy with work and raising my son, and I just have no room in my life for the kind of intimacy you are clearly craving. But I really comment you on your directness and your bravado and I really hope that you find what you're looking for. Goodbye, now.Dump-Quotes0
Be proud of your penis and your heritage. 'Cause neither are going anywhere. You should work with what you've got.0
Adam: 'Three viagras.'
Maeve: 'Jesus Christ.'
Adam: 'You said there was gonna be no judgement. Is three viagras bad? Her reaction made it seem like it was bad. I feel lightheaded and I can taste scampi.'
Maeve: 'No wonder. You could besiege a castle with that thing.'
Adam: 'I said stop staring at it!'
Maeve: 'Sorry, it's like a third leg.'
Peter: 'How can I be a DJ? I'm just a guy with a laptop and an inflated self-image.'
Quagmire: 'Trust me, you're perfect!'
How come you Eastern European guys can't be quiter in pornos? I mean, nobody has ever been like, 'yeah, yeah, more guy noises!'0
'You guys watch the main cabin, I will find them. I'll take that fat guy as a human shield.'
Peter: 'Oh, nice, last guy picked for dodgeball, first guy for human shield.'
'Okay, nobody move!'
Cleveland: 'Oh my god, those guys in first class have guns.'
Peter: 'Cleveland, just be happy with what you have. Don't envy people!'
That twerking pig may actually be the perfect embodiment of the entire Brexit situation. It's in motion already, we're all powerless to stop it and it is impossible to look away.Brexit0
Threatening the British by saying there will be only salt and vinegar on the table, is like threatening the French by saying there will only be wine and baguettes, or threatening the Swiss by saying there'll only be chocolate and Nazi gold.France, England & Great Britain, Switzerland0
How the hell did you end up here?
You used to wrap yourself in fairy tales like a blanket. But it was the cold you loved. Sharp shivers as you uncovered the corpses of Bluebeard's wives. Sweeter goosebumps as Prince Charming slid one glass slipper over your little toes. A perfect fit. But by the schoolyard, real princesses floated by you on fall winds. You saw the gulf between you and the rich girls and vowed to stop believing in fairy tales. But the stories were in you, deep as poison. If Prince Charming was real, if he could save you, you needed to be saved from the unfairness of everything. When would he come? The answer was a cruel shrug in a hundred fleeting moments. The sneer on Stevie Smith's face when he called you a fat cow. Uncle Jeff's hand squeezing your ass in the Thanksgiving kitchen. The accusation in your father's eyes when you told him what happened. From every boy masquerading as a man that you let into your body, your heart, you learned you didn't have whatever magic turns a beast into a prince. You surrounded yourself with the girls you'd always resented, hoping to share their power. And you hated yourself. And that diminished you even more. And then, right when you thought you might just disappear, he saw you. And you knew somewhere deep it was too good to be true. But you let yourself be swept, because he was the first strong enough to lift you. Now in his castle you understand Prince Charming and Bluebeard are the same man. And you don't get a happy end unless you love both of him. Didn't you want this? To be loved? Didn't you want him to crown you? Didn't you ask for it? Didn't you ask for it? So say you can live like this, say you love him, say thank you, say anything but the truth. What if you can't love him back?
Accusing America of creating Venzuela's crisis is about as fair as accusing O.J. Simpson of murdering Princess Diana. I'm not saying it would be completly out of character, it just happens to not be true in this particular instance.America0
I only got in trouble once, and... um.. Daddy Elfo um... slapped me on the bum bum.0
The only way that entire car is worth 500 bucks, is if there's a $300 hooker sitting in it.0
It's interesting how your feelings on sueing the government can change a lot, based on who is saying it. It's like how, 'I'm getting off here', is a fine thing for someone to say, if they're standing next to the door of a train. But it's a rude thing to say, if they are masturbating on that same train.0
This is not a dictatorship. This is America. Give me liberty, or give me meth.America0
Great things don’t happen in tiny little increments. You know, they happen when someone thinks completely differently.0
You can't lose your virginity to a tampon. It has to be a penis with a man attached.0
If god didn't want us putting things up our ass, he would have given the rectum a gag reflex.0
Every time we open our hearts, every time we open our gates, we take a risk.0
Sometimes when people love each other very much, they need time apart, so when they come back together, their love is even stronger.0
I just thought squirting was a myth, like unicorns or moderate Republicans.0
Bullying is a vital part of every ecosystem. It teaches kids resilience. The world is a rough place. Bullying is like getting inoculated. It's a vaccine.Bullying0
Every time we open our hearts, every time we open our gates, we take a risk.0
Doing things you don't want to do is how you make a relationship work.Relationships0
Everyone sounds like Meryl Streep with a gun to their head.0
Well yeah, and I'm sad. But at the same time, I'm really happy that something can make me feel that sad. It's like, it makes me feel alive. You know? It makes me feel human. The only way I can feel this sad now, is if I felt something really good before. So I have to take the bad with the good. So I guess what I'm feeling is like a beautfiul sadness.Breakup & Lovesick, Grief0
In the darkest times, hope is something you give yourself. That is the meaning of inner strength.0
When someone points a gun at you, you don't turn around and run away. You take it out of their hand and you point it right back.Argument0
We are captives of our own identities, living in prisons of our own creation.0
You know what I want, to not have to be the older brother for my older brother.0
I’m not asking you to love me. I already screwed up that chance a long time ago. I’m asking you to love yourself. You can still put the brakes on this thing.0
The problem with always wanting more is that the second you get it, it can always be taken away.Greed0
Calling Facebook a toilet is a little unfair to toilets. Because they make shit go away, whereas Facebook retains shit.Facebook0
Our main story tonight concerns Facebook, the worst place to wish Happy Birthday to a friend, other than a funeral.Facebook0
Queen Dagmar: 'Sounds to me like he deserves a marvelous funeral.'
King Zøg: 'Great idea. I'll get someone to fish him out of the corpse pit.'
Maybe that's why I've had such low elf-esteem.0
Bean: 'I just realized something. You're the reason I have a drinking problem.'
Zøg: 'Of course I am. I'm your father.'
Lying to me in any other way than flattery is a mortal crime.0
You are the love of my life. Everything I have and everything I am is yours. Forever.Love declerations0
Here's the secret, kids: none of us can vow to be perfect. In the end, all we can do is promise to love each other with everything we've got. Because love's the best thing we do.Love, Perfect0
Love doesn't make sense. I mean, you can't logic your way into or out of it. Love ist totally nonsensical, but we have to keep doing it or else we're lost and love is dead and humanity should just pack it in. Because love is the best thing we do.Love0