Sometimes, even when you know something's a mistake, you gotta make it anyway.Failures, Fate & Destiny0
Leoanrd: 'Is this the high-IQ spermbank?'
Woman: 'If you have to ask, maybe you shouldn't be here!'
Give it a week, you'll get her back. And her front.
Oh! Did you feel that? I think we just had a 'what up?'-quake!
A lie is just a great story that someone ruined with the truth.Lies0
Barney: 'I only smoke in certain situations. Postcoital, when I'm with Germans, sometimes those two overlap, coital, birthdays, to annoy my mom, precoital, on a sailboat, the day the Mets are mathematically eliminated every year and pregnancy scares.'
Ted: 'Why are you smoking right now?'
Barney: 'I'm always precoital, Ted.'
Oh, this dress is totally going to get me laid on my wedding night.Sex0
I guess if they can put a man on the moon, they can put a woman on your brother.0
Nerds who aren't good at math?
Life is going to be rough boys!
Either this kid's got a light bulb up his butt, or his colon has a great idea.0
Caus' you see, for me, sex is a sport, like racquetball. Play hard for half an hour, work up a sweat and hope you don't get hit in the eye.Sex0
What has two thumbs and doesn't give a crap? Bob Kelso. How ya doin'.0
Ted: 'She was 15?!'
Barney: 'No. A 15. Like in blackjack.'
Ted: 'As in.. not sure whether you'd hit it?'
Ted, the only reason to wait a month for sex is if the girl is 17 years and 11 months old.Sex0
Female acrobats from Montreal, super flexible...
We´re gonna get Cirque du so-laid!
Think of me as Yoda - only, instead of being little and green, I wear suits and I'm awesome. I'm your bro. I'm Broda.0
It's going to be legen...
wait for it - and I hope you're not lactose-intolerant cause the second half of that word is
When I get sad, I stop being sad and be awesome instead. True Story.0
Why are you dating a woman who most likely lost her virginity during World War II? And knowing her, probably not to one of our guys.0
Carl: 'Steve, will you please stop sulking and come out of the bathroom?'
Steve Urkel: 'You yelled at me and you called me a butthead.'
Carl: 'Of all the names that I have called you , the one that bothers you is butthead?'
Steve Urkel: 'Yes. It was my nickname in preschool.'