It's not whether you win or you lose, it's how you play the game.Hank Moody in Californication, Season 1 Episode 1
People... they don't write anymore - they blog. Instead of talking, they text, no punctuation, no grammar: LOL this and LMFAO that. You know, it just seems to me it's just a bunch of stupid people pseudo-communicating with a bunch of other stupid people in a proto-language that resembles more what cavemen used to speak than the King's English.Writing, InternetHank Moody in Californication, Season 1 Episode 5
Hank: 'A blowjob from you?'
Girl: 'Well, something tells me, it's not gonna suck itself, Hank.'
Ted: 'Robin, this show is so dirty, I don't know whether to hug you, or run a shower for you, so you can sit there alone, crying and clenching your knees.'
Robin: 'It's just bad camera work, okay? Wayne, our camera guy - he wasn't that great.'
Marshall: 'I don't know. I think he did a pretty good job, considering he was probably only using one hand.'
Ted: 'Barney, I don't know if the oven is deep enough. Plus, it's a display made of cardboard.'
Barney: 'Huh. I should probably disconnect the gas.'
Baldridge: 'So Dr. Lightman just assumes you're a liar if you're a politician?'
Gillian Foster: 'He assumes you're a liar if you're a Homo sapiens.'
Walden: 'Let this be a warning to you, Alan. There're women out there, that will be nice to you, just to get to your money.'
Alan: 'Thanks, but that's not very high on my list of concerns.'
Lindsey: 'You're tall, good looking, very successful. Believe me, women settle for a lot less!'
Alan: 'And thank god for that!'
Congratulations. One liar down, six and a half billion to go.Gillian Foster in Lie To Me, Season 1 Episode 1
Concealed scorn. One personal tip: you see this microexpression in your spouse's face, your marriage is coming to an end. Trust me.Cal Lightman in Lie To Me, Season 1 Episode 1
Gillian Foster: 'Someone from the Prime Minister's office in Uzbekistan called. They want us to give a talk to their senior police.'
Cal Lightman: 'Tell him to call back when they got a constitution. A real one.'
These expressions are universal. Emotion looks the same whether you're a suburban housewife or a suicide bomber. The truth is written on all our faces.Cal Lightman in Lie To Me, Season 1 Episode 1
The only way three people can keep a secret, is if two of them are dead.Cal Lightman in Lie To Me, Season 1 Episode 1
I didn't realize you were small potatoes. And to be clear, I am referring to your testicles.Robin Scherbatsky in How I Met Your Mother, Season 6 Episode 8
Lily: 'Just give me his name!'
Robin: 'Fine. It's Bill Pepper.'
Lily: 'Kind of a coincidence there happens to be a bill and a pepper shaker here on the table. Any chance you and Bill had a three-way with Fork Napkin?'
Barney: 'Looks like that bee got busy.'
Ted: 'Looks like that French maid didn't turn down somebody's bed.'
Marshall: 'Oh, looks like Pocahontas has a couple of wounded knees.'
Ted: 'You name a chubby white kid LeBron and he's the one getting stuffed in the basketball hoop.'
Marshall: 'Then I'm also crossing off Shaquille, Hakeem and Dikembe.'
Hey, want to come to my house and play telephone? I got the string, you got the cans.Barney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother, Season 6 Episode 6
Maybe it's not about being the best. Maybe it's about finding little things, that get you through the day. Whether it's the support of someone close to you, or letting yourself feel overwhelmed - if only for a moment.Small ThingsJ.D. in Scrubs, Season 1 Episode 7
Barney: 'I cannot stop staring at that girl's face.'
Ted: 'Face, huh? That's your weirdest nickname for boobs yet.'
That girl was just crying. She's so sad and defenseless... anyone have a condom?Barney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother, Season 6 Episode 4
It's only once you've stopped, that you realize how hard it is to start again. So you force yourself not to want it.Breakup & Lovesick, Grief, Missing Someone, BeginningTed Mosby in How I Met Your Mother, Season 6 Episode 3
Dinner's a very intimate activity. It requires a level of connection and eye contact, that sex just doesn't. Call me old-fashioned, but I need to have sex with a girl at least three times before I'll even consider having dinner with her.Barney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother, Season 6 Episode 3
There's something that I need to ask you and I want you to be honest with me. Why do white people like Carrot Top?Barney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother, Season 6 Episode 2
Barney: 'Whoa, Ted, that thing you're packing is way too big to fit in that box.'
Ted: 'Yeah, that's what your mom said.'
Barney: 'How dare you?'
Ted: 'No, she actually said that.'
14 seconds! And already some dingdong is stepping up, thinking he can get some of this broke off.Robin Scherbatsky in How I Met Your Mother, Season 6 Episode 1
Robin, girls are like cartons of milk. Each one has a hotness expiration date and you've hit yours. I'm not saying the occasional guy won't still open the fridge, pick you up, give a sniff, shrug and take a sip anyway, but it's all downhill from here.Barney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother, Season 6 Episode 1
Marshall: 'During that time, I have been, how do I put this delicately, saving all my love for you.'
Lily: 'I have read eleven books on conception, I have cut out alcohol, caffeine and sugar. I take my temperature every hour. But good for you for not playing with yourself!'
Lily: 'A big package just arrived.'
Marshall: 'Yeah, it did.'
Lily: 'No, no. It's a real package from your dad.'
Marshall: 'Well, that's a little weird, but yeah, it is.'
What you're doing right now. I'm getting a de-rection!Barney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother, Season 6 Episode 1
Barney: 'You have no reason to be nervous. And I'm going to tell you why in one word.'
Ted: 'And what's that word?'
So you're the therapist. You know it's one thing to pretend to be a shrink and bang your patients, that's normal. But to do it for real? Little creepy bro.Barney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother, Season 7 Episode 5
Nobody takes an intro class to get on any other path, but the path to not being hungover anymore. I learned that in my intro to something-ology class.CollegeMarshall Eriksen in How I Met Your Mother, Season 7 Episode 5
Ted: 'Trying to get them interested in architecture as a career.'
Barney: 'Why? Are we running out of buildings?'
Robin: 'Are we running out of boring people?'
Robin, if you asked a hundred people: 'Who's the worst person you could possibly date?' They'd all say 'your therapist', except the ones saying 'Barney'.Ted Mosby in How I Met Your Mother, Season 7 Episode 5
I'm growing a child in my belly, a child that just developed ears, and it's a very thin sweater. So, please, if you must tell your story, just make it cheerful.Lily Aldrin in How I Met Your Mother, Season 7 Episode 5
Career has been trouncing romance for years. It's like the Globetrotters versus the Generals: Career's sinking hook shots from half court, romance is just a bunch of slow white guys, who couldn't make it in the Italian league.CareerTed Mosby in How I Met Your Mother, Season 5 Episode 24
There is only one street where that is normal. Here's a hint: A giant yellow bird lives on it.StreetBarney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother, Season 5 Episode 23
Fine, you guys can have a baby, but only under these conditions:
1) You promise to always love me more than the baby.
2) Once a month, I get to use the baby to pick up chicks.
3) That may involve the baby falling from a two-story window and me heroically catching it.
4) No breast-feeding in front of me.
5) Forget about 4), you can whip 'em out whenever you want.
Robin: 'Have plans with Don on Saturday, he's making me Chinese.'
Lily: 'I'll assume you're talking about food, otherwise, I have some follow-up-questions.'
Clint: 'Ted, your mother is a very, very erotic woman.'
Ted: 'Please don't.'
Sometimes our best decisions are the ones that don't make any sense at all.Failures, DecisionsTed Mosby in How I Met Your Mother, Season 5 Episode 20
Ted: 'I made a bid online, I won the auction the next day and I got approval. I just finalized the paperwork.'
Barney: 'And was the Blair Witch easy to deal with, or did she haggle over the closing costs?'
Robin: 'Ted, are you acting out the last scene of 'Sleepless in Seattle' with little dolls?'
Ted: 'How long have you been out here?'
Robin: 'Ten seconds.'
Ted: 'Yeah - just the last scene.'
I'm sorry, but the fact that the sexual pleasure center of your cerebral cortex has been over-stimulated by spirochetes is a poor basis for a relationship.Sex, RelationshipsGregory House in Dr. House, Season 1 Episode 8
What would you prefer - a doctor who holds your hand while you die, or one who ignores you while you get better? I suppose it would particularly suck to have a doctor, who ignores you while you die.Doctors & MedicineGregory House in Dr. House, Season 1 Episode 3
It's one of the great tragedies of life -- something always changes.ChangeGregory House in Dr. House, Season 1 Episode 22