I'm sorry, can you repeat that? I don't speak 'I-never-get-laid'.0
There is a 83% correlation between times when men are wearing a boutonniere and when they are getting laid... proms, weddings, funerals... thanks for the redhead, grandma! By the way, did you know that 'boutonniere' is french for 'booty is near'?0
She really had a fat but: her fat butt!Puns0
Sheldon: 'Hey, look, I found my missing neutrino.'
Howard: 'Oh good, we can take it off the milk carton...'
You know what the problem is? The women, the drinking... you guys look at me and you think it's easy.0
Ah, cars. Where would we be without cars? And how would we get there?0
When those things swell up to three times their normal size, so do I.
You lie to your husband all the time...
'That shirt looks great on you.',
'I love your mom.',
'I never fantasize about Barney when we're doing it.'
Sound familiar, Pinocchio?
Lily: 'Anytime a single guy hangs out with a married woman there are rules that must be followed: Rule number one...'
Barney: 'Don't use the husband's condoms, that's just rude!'
Lily: 'I'm pregnant.'
Barney: 'I've never seen that woman before in my life! Sorry - force of habit, congratulations!'
I am Mr. Charity. I frequently sleep with sixes, chubsters, over thirty's. I am the Bill and Melinda Gates of the sympathy bang.0
Kids, you may think your only choices are to swallow your anger or throw it in someone's face, but there's a third option: You can just let it go, and only when you do that is it really gone and you can move forward.Breakup & Lovesick, Comforting0
Oh my god, you have a monocle! Is this real? Is this really happening? Good luck killing James Bond!0
Marshall: 'You're really telling me, that when you watch 'The Karate Kid', you don't root for Daniel-san?'
Ted: 'Who do you root for in 'Die Hard'?'
Barney: 'Hans Gruber. Charming international bandit. At the end, he died hard. He's the title character.'
Lily: 'Okay, 'The Breakfast Club'?'
Barney: 'The teacher running detention. He's the only guy in the whole movie wearing a suit.'
Robin: 'I got one. 'Terminator'.'
Barney: 'What's the name of the movie, Robin? Who among us didn't shed a tear when his little red eye went out at the end, and he didn't get to kill these people?'
Never buy a girl flowers, 'cause giving her a living thing reminds her of babies.0
God. It's me, Barney. What up? I know we don't talk much, but I know a lot of girls call out your name because of me. Awesome!0
Barney: 'Check it out, I made a little game.'
Lottery Girl: 'And tonight's lotto numbers are: 19...'
Barney: '...age you moved to New York after a photographer 'discovered' you at a food court and said he would get you into Vogue Magazine.'
Lotto Girl: '53...'
Barney: '...number of semi-nude pictures he took of you before you realized he had no connection to Vogue Magazine.'
Lotto Girl: '22...'
Barney: '...age you claim you are.'
Lotto Girl: '31...'
Barney: '...age you actually are.'
Lotto Girl: '45...'
Barney: '...number of minutes it would take me to get you into a cab, out of your dress and into my Jacuzzi.'
Lotto Girl: 'And tonight's Super Big Ball is...'
Barney: '...what happens after we get out of the Jacuzzi. What Up?!'
Barney, check it! Three blond babies drinking bad-decision-juice at eight o'clock.0
Ted: 'Where does this girl live?'
Robin: 'We're talking about a woman who's gotten Barney to commit. I'm guessing Narnia.'
I love this moment so much, I want to have sex with it.0
He has got to go. You need to be like:
You are the weakest link goodbye!
Punchy, the tribe has spoken.
Please pack up your knives and go.
Your work of art, didn't work for me.
You're times up.
I have to ask you to leave the mansion.
You must leave the chateau.
Your tour ends here.
You've been chopped!
You've been evicted from the Big Brother house.
Your desert just didn't measure up.
Give me your jacket and leave Hell's kitchen!
You did not get a rose.
You have been eliminated from the race.
You are no longer in the running to be America's Next Top Model.
Sometimes, even when you know something's a mistake, you gotta make it anyway.Failures, Fate & Destiny0
Leoanrd: 'Is this the high-IQ spermbank?'
Woman: 'If you have to ask, maybe you shouldn't be here!'
Give it a week, you'll get her back. And her front.
Oh! Did you feel that? I think we just had a 'what up?'-quake!
A lie is just a great story that someone ruined with the truth.Lies0
Barney: 'I only smoke in certain situations. Postcoital, when I'm with Germans, sometimes those two overlap, coital, birthdays, to annoy my mom, precoital, on a sailboat, the day the Mets are mathematically eliminated every year and pregnancy scares.'
Ted: 'Why are you smoking right now?'
Barney: 'I'm always precoital, Ted.'
Oh, this dress is totally going to get me laid on my wedding night.Sex0
I guess if they can put a man on the moon, they can put a woman on your brother.0
Nerds who aren't good at math?
Life is going to be rough boys!
Either this kid's got a light bulb up his butt, or his colon has a great idea.0
Caus' you see, for me, sex is a sport, like racquetball. Play hard for half an hour, work up a sweat and hope you don't get hit in the eye.Sex0
What has two thumbs and doesn't give a crap? Bob Kelso. How ya doin'.0
Ted: 'She was 15?!'
Barney: 'No. A 15. Like in blackjack.'
Ted: 'As in.. not sure whether you'd hit it?'
Ted, the only reason to wait a month for sex is if the girl is 17 years and 11 months old.Sex0
Female acrobats from Montreal, super flexible...
We´re gonna get Cirque du so-laid!
Think of me as Yoda - only, instead of being little and green, I wear suits and I'm awesome. I'm your bro. I'm Broda.0
It's going to be legen...
wait for it - and I hope you're not lactose-intolerant cause the second half of that word is
When I get sad, I stop being sad and be awesome instead. True Story.0
Why are you dating a woman who most likely lost her virginity during World War II? And knowing her, probably not to one of our guys.0
Carl: 'Steve, will you please stop sulking and come out of the bathroom?'
Steve Urkel: 'You yelled at me and you called me a butthead.'
Carl: 'Of all the names that I have called you , the one that bothers you is butthead?'
Steve Urkel: 'Yes. It was my nickname in preschool.'