Robin, girls are like cartons of milk. Each one has a hotness expiration date and you've hit yours. I'm not saying the occasional guy won't still open the fridge, pick you up, give a sniff, shrug and take a sip anyway, but it's all downhill from here.Barney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother, Season 6 Episode 1
Marshall: 'During that time, I have been, how do I put this delicately, saving all my love for you.'
Lily: 'I have read eleven books on conception, I have cut out alcohol, caffeine and sugar. I take my temperature every hour. But good for you for not playing with yourself!'
Lily: 'A big package just arrived.'
Marshall: 'Yeah, it did.'
Lily: 'No, no. It's a real package from your dad.'
Marshall: 'Well, that's a little weird, but yeah, it is.'
What you're doing right now. I'm getting a de-rection!Barney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother, Season 6 Episode 1
Barney: 'You have no reason to be nervous. And I'm going to tell you why in one word.'
Ted: 'And what's that word?'
So you're the therapist. You know it's one thing to pretend to be a shrink and bang your patients, that's normal. But to do it for real? Little creepy bro.Barney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother, Season 7 Episode 5
Nobody takes an intro class to get on any other path, but the path to not being hungover anymore. I learned that in my intro to something-ology class.CollegeMarshall Eriksen in How I Met Your Mother, Season 7 Episode 5
Ted: 'Trying to get them interested in architecture as a career.'
Barney: 'Why? Are we running out of buildings?'
Robin: 'Are we running out of boring people?'
Robin, if you asked a hundred people: 'Who's the worst person you could possibly date?' They'd all say 'your therapist', except the ones saying 'Barney'.Ted Mosby in How I Met Your Mother, Season 7 Episode 5
I'm growing a child in my belly, a child that just developed ears, and it's a very thin sweater. So, please, if you must tell your story, just make it cheerful.Lily Aldrin in How I Met Your Mother, Season 7 Episode 5
Career has been trouncing romance for years. It's like the Globetrotters versus the Generals: Career's sinking hook shots from half court, romance is just a bunch of slow white guys, who couldn't make it in the Italian league.CareerTed Mosby in How I Met Your Mother, Season 5 Episode 24
There is only one street where that is normal. Here's a hint: A giant yellow bird lives on it.StreetBarney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother, Season 5 Episode 23
Fine, you guys can have a baby, but only under these conditions:
1) You promise to always love me more than the baby.
2) Once a month, I get to use the baby to pick up chicks.
3) That may involve the baby falling from a two-story window and me heroically catching it.
4) No breast-feeding in front of me.
5) Forget about 4), you can whip 'em out whenever you want.
Robin: 'Have plans with Don on Saturday, he's making me Chinese.'
Lily: 'I'll assume you're talking about food, otherwise, I have some follow-up-questions.'
Clint: 'Ted, your mother is a very, very erotic woman.'
Ted: 'Please don't.'
Sometimes our best decisions are the ones that don't make any sense at all.Failures, DecisionsTed Mosby in How I Met Your Mother, Season 5 Episode 20
Ted: 'I made a bid online, I won the auction the next day and I got approval. I just finalized the paperwork.'
Barney: 'And was the Blair Witch easy to deal with, or did she haggle over the closing costs?'
Robin: 'Ted, are you acting out the last scene of 'Sleepless in Seattle' with little dolls?'
Ted: 'How long have you been out here?'
Robin: 'Ten seconds.'
Ted: 'Yeah - just the last scene.'
I'm sorry, but the fact that the sexual pleasure center of your cerebral cortex has been over-stimulated by spirochetes is a poor basis for a relationship.Sex, RelationshipsGregory House in Dr. House, Season 1 Episode 8
What would you prefer - a doctor who holds your hand while you die, or one who ignores you while you get better? I suppose it would particularly suck to have a doctor, who ignores you while you die.Doctors & MedicineGregory House in Dr. House, Season 1 Episode 3
It's one of the great tragedies of life -- something always changes.ChangeGregory House in Dr. House, Season 1 Episode 22
People like talking about people. Makes us feel superior. Makes us feel in control. And sometimes, for some people, knowing some things makes them care.BlasphemyGregory House in Dr. House, Season 1 Episode 13
I would rather spend my life close to the birds than waste it wishing I had wings.BirdsLou in Dr. House, Season 5 Episode 1
In commemoration of Barney's induction into the 'Hall of Game', this tie, worn on the seventh night of his perfect week, is hereby retired.Lily Aldrin in How I Met Your Mother, Season 5 Episode 14
Ted: 'You always kept your toothbrush in the bedroom. Also weird, by the way.'
Lily: 'No. We kept it in the bathroom.'
Ted: 'No, there was only one toothbrush in the bathroom, and it was mine...'
Barney: 'I had a drinking game based on Robin. But it was actually ON Robin: I'd pour peach schnapps in her belly button...'
Ted: 'Dude, we agreed we wouldn't do this.'
Barney: 'Sorry. You're right. She didn't like it anyway. Said it woke her up.'
Even if I meet the girl of my dreams right the second, I'm still one night and nine months away, from having a family on my own. And that's assuming the mother of my childern is just a huge slut.Ted Mosby in How I Met Your Mother, Season 7 Episode 4
For some women it was the ashes of my parents. For others it was the trophy from Wimbledon and believe it or not, for one busty dullard, it was both. Game, enormous set and match!Barney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother, Season 7 Episode 4
We've always been a trio! We're right up there with Batman and Robin and Alfred. Romeo and Juliet and the apothecary. Salt and pepper and cumin.Ted Mosby in How I Met Your Mother, Season 7 Episode 4
Nobody likes to be alone, especially after a breakup. But that's when we discover who we really are and what we really want.Breakup & Lovesick, Solitude & Being AloneTed Mosby in How I Met Your Mother, Season 5 Episode 10
What's in the box? What's in the box? WHAT'S IN THE BOX?
Right? Brad pitt? Seven?
Wherein I suggested that you take your head and store it within yourself, in a fashion that, while space-saving, might limit its exposure to sunshine.Marshall Eriksen in How I Met Your Mother, Season 5 Episode 11
Ted: 'No, seriously Robin, you should get the slap. I mean, you're a great slapper. In fact, I want to study slapping under your tutelage. I want to be your slap-prentice.'
Robin: 'Don't sell yourself short there, Teddy. You're a slapping rock star. Your name should be Eric Slapton.'
Marshall: 'Where is your playbook?'
Robin: 'My playbook? Bro, uh, two-volume set, right here.
Ted: 'It's a great read, actually.'
Lily: 'Yeah, I'm reading it right now.'
Well, maybe this isn't a breakup. Maybe this is two friends getting back together.Friendship, RelationshipsRobin Scherbatsky in How I Met Your Mother, Season 5 Episode 7
Marshall: 'I don't care if the dishes aren't done, okay? If you care, you do it.'
Lily: 'Great, then I don't care if you have an orgasm. If you care, you do it.'
I'm a good boyfriend in my sleep. I can rock a killer foot rub with one hand and brew a kick-ass pot of chamomile in the other, that would make you weep. Hell, I've forgotten more about microwaving fat-free popcorn and watching Sandra Bullock movies than you'll ever know, but: thanks for your concern, rook!RelationshipsMarshall Eriksen in How I Met Your Mother, Season 5 Episode 6
Not only are you wrong... but you are belligerently sticking to your guns and insulting me in the process. Robin Scherbatsky, you are an American.AmericaBarney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother, Season 5 Episode 5
When you date someone, it's like you're taking one long course in who that person is and then, when you break up, all that stuff becomes useless. It's the emotional equivalent of an English degree...RelationshipsTed Mosby in How I Met Your Mother, Season 5 Episode 3
I can't believe I'm taking sexual advice from Ted Mosby.
That's like taking fashion advice from... well, Ted Mosby.
How do you keep a girl from becoming your girlfriend?
1. Never get them wet. In other words, don't let her take a shower at your place.
2. Keep them away from sunlight - i. e. don't ever see them during the day.
3. Never feed them after midnight. Meaning she doesn't sleep over and you don't have breakfast.
There's something between us. Maybe my head was saying, 'nip it in the bud', because my heart was saying something else...Robin Scherbatsky in How I Met Your Mother, Season 4 Episode 24
When will you guys realize, that the only difference between my real life and a porno
is, my real life has better lighting?
It could be for a brother or maybe her sick dad.
[reads] 'And then I want you to do me on the couch.'
Okay, maybe not a sick dad. Or a very sick dad, am I right?
What's the difference between peanut butter and jam?
You can't peanut butter your dick up someone's ass.
I've got to find a way to introduce some wood into Bilson's dark atrium. I think you know what I meant.Ted Mosby in How I Met Your Mother, Season 4 Episode 18
Karen: 'I'm sure all the exploited diamond miners in Sierra Leone would give you a high-five if they still had all their fingers. But really pretty - meet me upstairs!'
Robin: 'They only need one finger to give her what I'm thinking.'
Ted, honey, I want you to go outside and bite the curb. I'll be out in a minute.Lily Aldrin in How I Met Your Mother, Season 4 Episode 16