That was the night I was born. I rose like a phoenix from her mentholated bosom and strode into the world, Armani-clad and fully awesome.0
Barney: 'He's the awesomest, most best-lookingest, greatest guy ever!'
Lily: 'He's exactly like Barney.'
Barney: 'That's what I just said.'
Oh man, I am so excited that you're here! It has been forever since I have been around anyone even remotely fun!
[to Lily, Robin, Ted and Marshall] Huh... yes, offense!
Kids, I'm going to tell you an incredible story, the story of how I met your mother.0
I didn't give up on my dream house, because that's the thing about stupid decisions - we all make them, but time is funny and sometimes a little magical. It can take a stupid decision, and turn it into something else entirely.Decisions, Time0
That 'Uhm...' is the battle cry of the chronic masturbator.0
Sandy: 'You're not exactly the ideal client.'
Caleb: 'Rich? Powerful?'
Her with a tattoo, you with a wristband. That's like the ultimate wrong-side-of-the-tracks love story. Seriously, you are the Sid to her Nancy, the Kurt to her Courtney. The 50 Cent to... Mrs. Cent.0
Howard: 'We need a hot fifteen-year-old asian girl with a thing for smart guys.'
Leonard: 'Howard, that's racist! Any fifteen-year-old girl will do the trick.'
Rajesh: 'It's possible she may have missunderstood us.'
Engineering - where the semi-skilled laborers execute the vision of those who think and dream. Hello Oompa-Loompas of science!0
Penny: 'Wow, a girl scientist.'
Leslie: 'Yep, come for the breast, stay for the brains.'
She knows what she's talking about, Alan. Mom's been on more hotel pillows than a chocolate mint.0
There comes a time when every man needs to make a choice, whether it's a professional choice or whether it's a personal choice. In the end, it's about integrity, and it's about chasing after what you really want, even if that means showing you both care a little. And sometimes... well, sometimes you just have to do what's right for your friend, even if it means sacrificing your own happiness. When it comes down to it, you just have to be proud of the decision you make.Decisions0
Well, that, and a little medical boondoggle I have to go to in Cleveland. And by medical boondoggle I mean golf-weekend. And by Cleveland I mean Hawaii. Anyway, I have to go catch my bus to the airport. And by bus I mean helicopter.0
Long distance is a lie teenagers tell each other to get laid the summer before college.College, Long-Distance Relationships0
Don't knock long-distance relationships, I really think they can work. I'm juggling four right now. There's Lisa in Madrid, there's Erica in Tokyo, there's Laura in Denmark. And Kelly on 34th street. The last thinks I'm a humble sheep-shearer from Kelani.Long-Distance Relationships0
Look at us, riding around in a limo, eating hot dogs... It's like we're the president.0
So in your world... your like the 'cool guys'.Nerds0
You're asking me to use my superior intellect in a tawdry competition. Would you ask Picasso to play Pictionary? Would you ask Noah Webster to play Boggle? Would you ask Jacques Cousteau to play Go Fish?Intelligence0
Penny: 'Leonard, I didn't know you played the cello.'
Leonard: 'Yeah, my parents felt that naming me Leonard and putting me in advanced placement classes wasn't getting me beaten up enough.'
It's a shame, you paying all that money for an ex-wife and an ex-wife's house, and you're not allowed inside either one.0
Sometimes the past is something you just can't let go of. And sometimes the past is something we'll do anything to forget. And sometimes we learn something new about the past that changes everything we know about the present.Past0
Too often, the thing you want most is the one thing you can't have. Desire leaves us heartbroken, it wears us out. Desire can wreck your life. And as tough as wanting something can be, the people who suffer the most are those who don't know what they want.Desire0
But here's the truth about the truth: It hurts. So we lie.Lies, Truth0
We enter the world alone and we leave it alone. And everything that happens in between, we owe it to our self to find a little company. We need help. We need support. Otherwise we're in it by our self. Strangers, cut off from each other and we forget just how connect we all are. So instead we choose love. We choose life and for a moment we feel just a little bit less alone.Solitude & Being Alone0
Leonard: 'Well, do you have any ideas?'
Sheldon: 'Yeah, but they all involve a Green Lantern and a power ring.'
I've spent the past three-and-a-half years staring at greaseboards full of equations; before that, I spent four years working on my thesis; before that, I was in college, and before that... I was in the fifth grade.College0
Well, I want it on the record that if the kid was running a blackjack game under the bleachers, he didn't necessarily get the idea from me.0
Charlie: 'How did you get in my house?'
Alan: 'Okay, Charlie, the key in the fake rock only works if it's among other rocks, not sitting on your welcome mat!'
Charlie: 'Excuse me, but if you put the fake rock in with a bunch of other rocks, it's impossible to find when you're drunk.'
Alcohol is for people who can afford to lose a few brain-cells.Alcohol0
Leonard: 'Anyway, I was thinking more of a bio-social exploration with a neuro-chemical overlay.'
Leslie: 'Wait, are you asking me out?'
Love is not a sprint, it's a marathon. A relentless pursuit that only ends when she falls into your arms - or hits you with the pepper spray.0
Well, at least now you can retrieve the black box from the twisted, smoldering wreckage that was once your fantasy of dating her and analyze the data so you don't crash into Geek Mountain again.0
Leonard: 'Sorry 'bout your car, by the way.'
Penny: 'Oh no, it's fine. You got most of it out the window.'
Leonard: 'The poor guy on the bike.'
If you have time to lean, you have time to clean.0
Leonard: 'For God's sake, Sheldon, do I have to... hold up a sarcasm sign every time I open my mouth?'
Sheldon: 'You have a sarcasm sign?'
Sheldon: 'You do understand that our efforts here will in no way increase the odds of having sexual congress with this woman?'
Leonard: 'Men do things for women without expecting sex.'
Sheldon: 'Those would be men who just had sex.'
The truth is, it's all of your memories, the joyful ones and the heartbreaking ones, that make up who you are as a person.Memories0
Either way, when you hit that low point, you have a choice. You can either wallow in self-pity, or you can suck it up. It's your call.0
Couples who are truly right for each other wade through the same crap as everybody else, but the big difference is they don't let it take them down. One of those two people will stand up and fight for that relationship every time. If it's right, and they're real lucky, one of them will say something.Relationships0
Because even if it breaks your heart to be 'just friends'... if you really care about someone, you'll take the hit.Friendship, Breakup & Lovesick0
Sometimes all it takes is a slammin' hottie to make you dig down deep and discover who you really are.0
Summer: 'I'm busy. Studying. Naked.'
Seth: 'Is that supposed to keep me away?'
Summer: 'Cohen? You're at my house!'
Seth: 'And you're dressed. I wonder who's more disappointed.'
You know what I like about rich kids? Nothing!0
Ryan: 'Maybe you've got the Summer flu.'
Seth: 'I dunno. It's possible.'
Ryan: 'Maybe you need some Annabiotics.'
Comicon is basically a bunch of pathetic virgins ogling some porn star dressed as Catwoman.Nerds0
It turns out that I'm quite skilled at getting a date, provided it's not for me.0
Sandy: 'The minute you were born, I knew that I would never take another easy breath again without knowing that you were safe.'
Seth: 'So, I'm like asthma?'
Modern medicine is advancing to the point where the average human life span will be a hundred. But I read this article which said Social Security is supposed to run out by the year 2025, which means people are gonna have to stay in their jobs until they're 80. So I don't wanna commit to anything too soon.0