Saying someone is the best surgeon, is like saying someone is the smartest cast member of 'The Hills'.0
Newsflash, you can't drink and then come to work. You're not airline pilots.0
Do you actually listen to yourself when you speak, or do you find you drift in and out?0
This is the reason why your headache didn't go away. That's actually pronounced 'an-al-ge-sic', not 'anal-gesic'. Sir, the pills go in your mouth.0
Because nothing sucks more than feeling all alone, no matter how many people are around.Solitude & Being Alone0
Did you actually just page me to find out how much Tylenol to give to Mrs. Lensner? It's regular-strength tylenol. Here's what you do. Get her to open her mouth, take a handful, and throw it at her. Whatever sticks, that's the correct dosage.0
I'm gonna go ahead and write you a prescription for two testicles; and you feel free to get this filled out whenever you want.0
Carla: 'Why is there a pancake in the silverware drawer?'
Turk: 'I think you mean, why is there silverware in the pancake drawer?'
The only person that can keep a promise so big is God, and I haven't seen him pick up a scalpel lately.0
For a kiss to be really good, you want it to mean something. You want it to be with someone you can't get out of your head, so that when your lips finally touch you feel it everywhere. A kiss so hot and so deep you never want to come up for air. You can't cheat your first kiss. Trust me, you don't want to. Cause when you find that right person for a first kiss, it's everything.Kissing0
So you blew me off for a bottle of tequila? Tequila's no good for you. It doesn't call, doesn't write, not nearly as much fun to wake up to.0
Ladys and Gentlemen, I have in my hand a copy of tonight's top 10 list. The category: Top 10 things i would have called my truck...
Number 10 - 'The Winne-Bango'.
Number 9 - 'The Pick-Up Truck'.
Number 8 - 'The Ford Explore Her'.
Number 7 - 'The You Scream Truck'. You Scream.
Number 6 - 'Feels on Wheels!'. Hello!
Number 5 - 'The Ride Her Truck'.
Number 4 - 'The 18-Squeeler'.
Number 3 - 'The Esca-Laid'. Ih-ih-ih!
Number 2 - 'The Slam-Boney'.
Aaand the number 1 thing I would've called my truck if Ted hadn't been a jerk and given it back...
'The '69 Chevy'!
Every Halloween I bring a spare costume. In case I strike out with the hottest girl at the party. That way I have a second chance to make a first impression.Halloween0
Airport bar! Flight attendants, they'll get your tray table in it's full upright position. Say what?0
Are you telling me that there's a hole in Fox River that you don't want to get into?0
I mean she just walked out. At least when I walk out on a girl I have the common courtesy to sleep with her first. It's called manners!0
The Captain: 'Guess it's just you, me, and six hours in frigid international waters.'
Ted: 'Or we could stay in dry land, hang out with some witnesses?'
Barney: 'Her butt?'
Marshall: 'What is it, too much?'
Lily: 'Too low?'
Robin: 'Or ist it an issue of access?'
Woman: 'How can you not remember my name? it rhymes with your name?'
Barney: 'And I said my name was...?'
Ted: 'That beer looks a little flat.'
Robin: 'Yeah.. it's scotch.'
A Full House! That concept the Mexicans should be quite familiar with, right?0
Concrete is my specialty... can you dig it?0
Here's the thing about me and tools: The only one I know how to use, is attached to me. And I'm not gonna try putting it in a TV... again.0
Anything sounds weird, if you say it a undred times. Bowl. Bowl. Bowl...0
That's the thing no one tells you about a new relationship. You think you're just dating one person, but the truth is: you're dating everyone that person knows - and you better hope they like you!Relationships0
I am not 'with' Nora. Wrong Preposition! Later tonight I'm hoping to be 'on' Nora, right? Or 'under' Nora. Am I right? Or, we're all adults, so I'll just say it: 'behind' Nora.Sex0
If I got serious with Nora, it would be like if Mother Teresa focused all her attention on one really hot orphan. With great penis comes great responsibility.0
Sex now, we'll do the foreplay after.Sex0
She had a nice face, her booty was in place, but Barney don't chase.0
There is one difference between you and me: I'm not saying any of this to get in your pants.0
February 13th. A magical night, where a ten has the self esteem of a four and the depraved enthusiasm of a two.0
So that's it? A couple of white Urkels offer you sausages and you're gone?0
Desperation Day has come and gone and you have neither gone nor come.0
I'd say hump her brain out, but somebody obviously already has.0
You know, your parents must be so proud of you, man. I mean, hitting the trailer-park trifecta: racist, pedophile, and stupid.0
Does not a warm hand feel better than a cold shank?Peace0
Sneaky son of a bitch!
You think he found the hole?
Boy's a bit confused about his pigmentation.0
Darwin wins inside these walls. Not Einstein. Darwin.0
I'll be very clear here, because you and I face an evolutionary gap.0
Keep your friends close, your enemies closer.Friendship, Enemies0
I like my testicles attached to my body, rather than rolling around next to some eyeliner in Robin's purse. Stinson out!0
There are so many great things to do with the human mouth, why waste it on talking?0
You know what they say about relationships. Every waking moment's a battle.Relationships0
Since I stopped dating Robin, there's this thing I haven't used as much as I would like. It's kind of big. Surprisingly heavy. Kind of leathery. And it's black.
This, my friends, is the playbook!
Ted: 'You're like Mary Poppins, if her magic purse was also filled with drugs.'
Robin: 'If? Ted, the kids in that movie jumped into a painting and spent 15 minutes chasing a cartoon fox. Spoonful of sugar? Grow Up!'
Ted, I believe you and I met for a reason. It's like the universe was saying: 'Hey Barney, there's this dude, he's pretty cool, but it's your job to make him awesome.'0