Every Halloween I bring a spare costume. In case I strike out with the hottest girl at the party. That way I have a second chance to make a first impression.Halloween0
Airport bar! Flight attendants, they'll get your tray table in it's full upright position. Say what?0
Are you telling me that there's a hole in Fox River that you don't want to get into?0
I mean she just walked out. At least when I walk out on a girl I have the common courtesy to sleep with her first. It's called manners!0
The Captain: 'Guess it's just you, me, and six hours in frigid international waters.'
Ted: 'Or we could stay in dry land, hang out with some witnesses?'
Barney: 'Her butt?'
Marshall: 'What is it, too much?'
Lily: 'Too low?'
Robin: 'Or ist it an issue of access?'
Woman: 'How can you not remember my name? it rhymes with your name?'
Barney: 'And I said my name was...?'
Ted: 'That beer looks a little flat.'
Robin: 'Yeah.. it's scotch.'
A Full House! That concept the Mexicans should be quite familiar with, right?0
Concrete is my specialty... can you dig it?0
Here's the thing about me and tools: The only one I know how to use, is attached to me. And I'm not gonna try putting it in a TV... again.0
Anything sounds weird, if you say it a undred times. Bowl. Bowl. Bowl...0
That's the thing no one tells you about a new relationship. You think you're just dating one person, but the truth is: you're dating everyone that person knows - and you better hope they like you!Relationships0
I am not 'with' Nora. Wrong Preposition! Later tonight I'm hoping to be 'on' Nora, right? Or 'under' Nora. Am I right? Or, we're all adults, so I'll just say it: 'behind' Nora.Sex0
If I got serious with Nora, it would be like if Mother Teresa focused all her attention on one really hot orphan. With great penis comes great responsibility.0
Sex now, we'll do the foreplay after.Sex0
She had a nice face, her booty was in place, but Barney don't chase.0
There is one difference between you and me: I'm not saying any of this to get in your pants.0
February 13th. A magical night, where a ten has the self esteem of a four and the depraved enthusiasm of a two.0
So that's it? A couple of white Urkels offer you sausages and you're gone?0
Desperation Day has come and gone and you have neither gone nor come.0
I'd say hump her brain out, but somebody obviously already has.0
You know, your parents must be so proud of you, man. I mean, hitting the trailer-park trifecta: racist, pedophile, and stupid.0
Does not a warm hand feel better than a cold shank?Peace0
Sneaky son of a bitch!
You think he found the hole?
Boy's a bit confused about his pigmentation.0
Darwin wins inside these walls. Not Einstein. Darwin.0
I'll be very clear here, because you and I face an evolutionary gap.0
Keep your friends close, your enemies closer.Friendship, Enemies0
I like my testicles attached to my body, rather than rolling around next to some eyeliner in Robin's purse. Stinson out!0
There are so many great things to do with the human mouth, why waste it on talking?0
You know what they say about relationships. Every waking moment's a battle.Relationships0
Since I stopped dating Robin, there's this thing I haven't used as much as I would like. It's kind of big. Surprisingly heavy. Kind of leathery. And it's black.
This, my friends, is the playbook!
Ted: 'You're like Mary Poppins, if her magic purse was also filled with drugs.'
Robin: 'If? Ted, the kids in that movie jumped into a painting and spent 15 minutes chasing a cartoon fox. Spoonful of sugar? Grow Up!'
Ted, I believe you and I met for a reason. It's like the universe was saying: 'Hey Barney, there's this dude, he's pretty cool, but it's your job to make him awesome.'0
One of the 24 similarities between women and fish are they're both attracted to shiny objects.Women0
I'm sorry, can you repeat that? I don't speak 'I-never-get-laid'.0
There is a 83% correlation between times when men are wearing a boutonniere and when they are getting laid... proms, weddings, funerals... thanks for the redhead, grandma! By the way, did you know that 'boutonniere' is french for 'booty is near'?0
She really had a fat but: her fat butt!Puns0
Sheldon: 'Hey, look, I found my missing neutrino.'
Howard: 'Oh good, we can take it off the milk carton...'
You know what the problem is? The women, the drinking... you guys look at me and you think it's easy.0
Ah, cars. Where would we be without cars? And how would we get there?0
When those things swell up to three times their normal size, so do I.
You lie to your husband all the time...
'That shirt looks great on you.',
'I love your mom.',
'I never fantasize about Barney when we're doing it.'
Sound familiar, Pinocchio?
Lily: 'Anytime a single guy hangs out with a married woman there are rules that must be followed: Rule number one...'
Barney: 'Don't use the husband's condoms, that's just rude!'
Lily: 'I'm pregnant.'
Barney: 'I've never seen that woman before in my life! Sorry - force of habit, congratulations!'
I am Mr. Charity. I frequently sleep with sixes, chubsters, over thirty's. I am the Bill and Melinda Gates of the sympathy bang.0
Kids, you may think your only choices are to swallow your anger or throw it in someone's face, but there's a third option: You can just let it go, and only when you do that is it really gone and you can move forward.Breakup & Lovesick, Comforting0