The best Series Quotes (Page 180)

Oh, honey, I'd love some fresh pepper. In fact, I think everyone at this table could use a lot of fresh pepper!

Brokers give investment advice. Architects - design advice. Single people give married friends tidbits from their sexual escapades.

Barney: "I'm dating a stripper."
Ted: "Yes, I've seen your bus ad."

From here on in, every single night of our lives will be a night, we'll never forget. Starting tonight!
- The night we started a Mariachi Band!
- The night we ate everything on the menu!
- The night we brought a horse into the bar!
- The night we bungee-jumped off the Statue of Liberty!
- The night we stole a mummy from the Natural History Museum!
- The night we partied with the mole people
- The night we tracked down Phil Collins, became best friends with him, and talked him into reuniting with Peter Gabriel, and then we got to sing back-up on the new Genesis album and it was awesome!
- The night we stole a camel!
- The night you got locked out in your pajamas and Robin landed a freakin' helicopter and there's still time to reunite Genesis!

Marshall: "Lily dream-banged someone we know."
Barney: "Okay, you caught me vermilion-handed. The truth is, I've spent the last five years trying to inception your wife."
Marshall: "That movie only came out two years ago."
Barney: "What movie?"

Marshall: "All pregnant ladies have crazy sex dreams. It's just her hormones going berserk."
Barney: "So who's responsible for her rapid thigh movement this time?"
Ted: "Oh, my favorite was when she banged George Washington."
Barney: "I liked the three-way with Bill Cosby and Papa Smurf."
Ted: "Oh, he smurfed the smurf out of her."
Marshall: "Yes, while The Cos smurfed off in the corner - we all remember."

People make fun of the guy who stays at home every night doing nothing, but the truth is that guy is a genius.

Every night can't be legendary. If all nights are legendary, no nights are legendary!

Everything you say sounds really creepy when you're not wearing pants.

If there was any shame in a dude getting a pedicure I don't think there would've been a feature about it in Details magazine.

Ted, every little boy wants to grow up to nail the doctor, or the lawyer. Somebody's gotta nail the receptionist.

Kids, that was the one time I ever lost faith in the idea that my life would be better in three years. And what's funny is, three years from that moment, my life was amazing.

For the first time in my life, I don't want to find myself in three years with some random girl. No matter how many boobs she has.

Robin: "Barney, I am not ready for them to find out about us."
Barney: "Then you're gonna have to stay in there for the entire trilogy. Don't worry, it's only 382 minutes."
Robin: "Nerd!"

Back boobs! The visual stimulation of missionary meets the emotional detachment of doggy style... patent pending.

I'm KFC baby - you don't mess with the Colonel's recipe!

Ted: "Every three years we sit down and Tril' it up big time, agreed?"
Marshall: "Agreed-o!"

Marshall: "Dude, if we fail this econ final, for the rest of our lives we're not gonna be able to... we won't know how to... do you even know what 'econ' is?"
Ted: "No idea. We're screwed."

Here are a few fun facts about Long Island... Number 1: It's Brooklyn's fart-trail.

Usually after a sandwich, I feel paranoid, but I'm not. WHY AM I NOT BEING PARANOID??

Can you feel the love tonight?

So, where are we going? It better not be anyplace dumb.

Scar: "Sing something with a little bounce in it."
Zazu: "It's a small world after all..."
Scar: "No! Anything but that."

Hakuna Matata, what a wonderful phrase.

No wife of mine is gonna do dishes on Valentine's Day. You can do these tomorrow.

Carrie: "What are you doing?"
Doug: "Well, from your tone of voice... I'm guessing, not the right thing."

Spence: "A month is not that long not to have had sex."
Doug: "Yeah, but if you add in the other 31 years, I'd think you'd be a little antsy..."

What do you want me to do, dress in drag and do the hula?

Simba: "You're so weird."
Scar: "You have no idea."

Why, if it isn't my big brother descending from on high to mingle with the commoners.

Simba: "Hey, Uncle Scar! Guess what?"
Scar: "I despise guessing games."

It's the Circle of Life and it moves us all, through despair and hope, through faith and love, 'til we find our place on the path unwinding.

Danger? I look on the wild side. I laugh in the face of danger!

Mufasa: "There's more to being king than getting your way all the time."
Simba: "There's more?"

Zazu: "One day, you two are going to be married."
Simba: "Yuck! I can't marry her. She's my friend."

They'll fall in love and here's the bottom line: our trio's down to two.

Young master, one day, you will be king. Then you can chase those slobbering, mangy, stupid poachers from dawn until dusk.

Well, forgive me for not leaping for joy. Bad back, you know.

Scar: "I'm only looking out for the well-being of my favorite nephew."
Simba: "Yeah, right! I'm your only nephew."

You know, it has been 17 days since I've "enjoyed" you. And I assume it's been months since you've enjoyed me.

I don't think they believed the last excuse you gave them. What was it, that you 'were stuck in a well'?

Carrie: "I can't do this to him. I can't stick him in some crappy place where they're gonna just prop him up in a chair and pump him full of Jell-O. I mean, he's my father.
Doug: "Car, I know how you feel. But you gotta be realistic, there's no alternative."
Carrie: "Well, there is one alternative..."
Doug: "Euthanasia?! Do we dare?"

It's like the riddle of the Sphinx; why are there so many great unmarried women - and no great unmarried men?

Steve Urkel: "I've taken a vow of chastity."
Carl: "Steve, you've always been chaste."
Steve Urkel: "Yeah, but now I have an excuse."

I've got an Uncle Dirk Urkel who was blessed with a two-foot long nose hair. Well, he got it trapped in the rear door of a Buick and was dragged eight and a half blocks.

My uncle, Elijah Urkel, has been struck by lightning four times. At a party, once, he clamped cables to his earlobes and jump-started a Volkswagen. Then there's in the summer, when we use him as a human bug zapper. He's usually knee deep in dead mosquitoes. And then there was the time we went camping and we were in dyer need of a generator and we just plugged the toaster into Uncle Elijah and the Pop Tarts were flying.

Fine I'll fill her in and I am so angry I am not even goin' to make a joke about "filling her in"... which I did three times last night. Self-five!

Men in their 40s are like the 'New York Times' Sunday crossword puzzle: tricky, complicated and you're never really sure you've got the right answer.

Ever thine. Ever Mine. Ever Ours.

Ted: "Luckily, you are friends with a former Boy Scout and a Boy Scout is always what?"
Robin: "Unpopular?"
Lily: "Beaten up?"
Barney: "Going to the movies with his mom?"
Ted: "A Boy Scout is always prepared..."
Robin: "...prepared to spend lunch in his locker?"
Marshall: "...prepared to die a virgin?"
Barney: "...prepared to paint his sister's nails?"