The best Series Quotes (Page 179)

You know, if I'm ever trapped in outer space again, I think I'm just gonna bring books.

I never thought I'd say this, but suddenly Independence Day seems a richly nuanced film.

If I was joking, it would certainly be a lot funnier than this.

You're getting a piece of loving while the getting's hot.

Oh, come on. If you don't laugh, it just seems mean.

Baby, can we grow sandwiches behind the garage?

Looks like somebody suffered from premature slapulation.

I think my soul just threw up a little bit.

If the wonder's gone when the truth is known, there never was any wonder.

Stan: "That fat b*tch won't let us."
Ms. Crabtee: "What did you say?!"
Stan: "I said that rabbits eat lettuce."

Stan: "Whatever, you fat b*tch."
Ms. Crabtree: "What did you say?!"
Stan: "I said, I have a bad itch."

When Barney overhears that Ted and Robin have a secret to reveal at the wedding reception, he begins to guess what it might be.

The damage has been done. All that's left to do now is drink until the part of the brain that creates mental pictures is dead.

Alan: "I feel sorry that your heart has become so hard and small, that you've lost the capacity to connect with another human being on any level any more meaningful, than the inebriated exchange of bodily fluids."
Charlie: "Boy, leave it to you to take a beautiful thing like drunken sex and make it sound dirty."

Alan: "What are you afraid off?"
Charlie: "I'm afraid I'm gonna hit you so hard, I'll be an only-child."

They f*cking love you to pieces, you dumbshit. We all do. You just have trouble loving yourself.

If a man is over 30 and single, there's something wrong with him. It's Darwinian, they're being weeded out from propagating the species.

Manhattan, for millions of our forefathers, the gateway to hope, opportunity and happiness beyond their wildest dreams. Today, that hope is still alive, it's called "The First Date". On Saturday nights, every restaurant in Lower Manhattan resembles its own little Ellis Island.

Sex is not a time to chat. It's one of the few instances in my overly articulated, exceedingly verbal life, where it is perfectly appropriate, if not preferable, to shut up.

The only way to get over somebody is to feel really bad, cry to your girlfriends - and to replay what you hated about him over and over in your head all day.

When you live on a tiny island like Manhattan, the odds of bumping into the one who broke your heart are incredibly high. The odds of bumping into him when you look like shit are even higher.

I was once with a guy the size of one of those little miniature golf pencils. Couldn't tell if he was trying to f*ck me or erase me.

I decided to stop avoiding the situation and take the grown-up approach... complete and utter denial!

No wonder the city never sleeps, it's too busy trying to get laid.

Alan: "When a boy becomes a man - and that's what you're becoming - he has to start protecting the women in his life from certain things."
Charlie: "Like the truth."

Alan: "You can't stay here alone."
Jake: "Why not?"
Alan: "You know why not."
Jake: "But you don't have a turtle to put in the microwave anymore."

Alan: "We judge a person by what's inside and not by what they wear."
Jake: "Lucky for you, huh?"

Alan: "Charlie, there's a half naked woman in our kitchen!"
Charlie: "Which half?"

It doesn't matter if you win or loose, it's whether or not you beat the spread.

Barney: "How's the single life?"
Ted: "I wouldn't know. After this whole Robin thing, I'm laying low."
Barney: "Laying low as in sleeping with a really short chick? You guys doing thirty-nine?"

I know our relationship isn't exactly what you want it to be. And I know I may not love you the way you love me, but I DO love you. Isn't that worth hanging on to?

Marshall: "Excuse me, miss. When you get a chance, could you bring over a hundred shots of tequila please?"
Barney: "I'll have the same."

You give me one hour of phone-free bro time, during which we, and by we I mean you, get magnificently, mythologically drunk. I'm talking needing-subtitles-when-you-speak drunk.

Quinn: "What is an executive strategy coordinator?"
Barney: "It's three corporate-sounding words which, when added together, equal a fake job for which you get a real paycheck."

Barney: "I scoured the dating sites, using my own personal logarithms, factoring in a broad spectrum of variables, filtering out undesirable high-risk negatives, guaranteeing a success-rate of eighty-thr..."
Ted: "...you picked the girls that showed the most boob."

Ted it's fine, I'm a child of divorce. You guys keep fighting all you want - as long as the expensive gifts keep coming.

Charlie: "Don't cry, we can still be friends!"
Alan: "What?"
Charlie: "I'm sorry, it's the only thing I know to say when someone cries around here."

Judith: "I'm very concerned, he's just a child. I don't know if he can deal with this."
Charlie: "Give your son some credit, he's an incredible kid."
Judith: "I was talking about you!"

Alan: "Charlie, I need you to be my eyes and ears."
Charlie: "Okay, but you have to be my liver and prostate."

Charlie: "You know who wrote that song? Your uncle Charlie wrote that!"
Jake: "No lie?"
Charlie: "Kid if I was gonna lie, it would've been 'Stairway To Heaven' and not 'The Maple-Loops-Song'."

Dont worry, there's not enough blood left in my legs to go anywhere.

Samantha: "She f*cks on my couch, she buys it!"
Carrie: "Isn't that how you got the couch from me?"

Sweetie, I just spent $395 on a pair of open-toed Gucci's last week. This is not the place to be frugal.

The witch in 'Hänsel and Gretel'... she's very misunderstood. I mean, the woman builds her dream house and these brats come along and start eating it!

Carrie: "You bought a pregnant woman a bottle of Scotch?"
Samantha: "The invitation said 'BYOB'."
Miranda: "That meant 'bring your own baby'!"
Carrie: "What did you get her?"
Miranda: "Condoms."

Samantha: "I think it's sad the way she's using a child to validate her existence."
Carrie: "Exactly. Why can't she just use sex and a nice cocktail like the rest of us?"

Samantha: "Threesomes are huge right now, they're the bl*wjob of the '90s."
Charlotte: "What was the bl*wjob of the '80s?"
Samantha: "Anal sex."

If he never calls me again, I'll always think of him fondly... as an a-shole!

Carrie: "She isn't a hooker, she's like an international party girl."
Miranda: "She's a hooker with a passport."

Charlotte: "If I could get him to show at the gallery, it would be an incredible coup. But what if he wants me to... you know..."
Carrie: "...hold his brush?"