The best Series Quotes (Page 178)

If we miss Hawaii because of this, guess who's not doing "The Disappearing Salami" anytime soon?

Barney: "The Disappearing Salami... Mr. Flanagan's wife shot him before he could ever tell me what the trick was."
Quinn: "Yeah, that guy was banging your mom!"

Destined? Aren't you tired of waiting for destiny, Ted? Isn't it time to make your own destiny?

I hired a decorator and I asked him: "What would the inside of Tinkerbell's v*gina look like?"
And the kid just ran with it!

Ted: "Victoria was great."
Robin: "Exactly, and you threw it all away to chase after some hot piece of ass."
Ted: "You mean you?"
Robin: "Thank you!"

This guy he's done everything right. He's been loving and devoted since he was 18 years old. There are only a few truly great people on this planet and he is one of them.

We're going to Buffalo... and I've seen women from there; the city's aptly named.

Kids, sometimes the universe sends exactly what you ask for. Other times... it sends Lily's dad.

The baby slide right out, huh? It's like a 'whoosh', like a waterslide. [Lily screaming] Slightly painful waterslide.

If you don't push, I will shove that baby up your throat and pull it out of your mouth!

Ted: "Uh, the time Lily went into labor!"
Lily: "That's now!"
Ted: "Sorry, I'm running out of stories."

Robin: "That was not cool, Ted."
Lily: "Contraction!"
Robin: "That wasn't cool, Ted?"

Oh, we're busting apple bags? I can bust apple bags.

Barney: "Let me choose your child's middle name! Because I have thought up the most awesome name of all time."
Marshall: "What's the middle name?"
Barney: "Wait for it."
Marshall: "I'm waiting."
Barney: "Wait for it."
Marshall: "I said I'm waiting."
Barney: "Wait for it."
Marshall: "What's the middle name?"
Barney: "No, the middle name is 'Wait For It'. Let's say his first name is, oh, I don't know, 'Barney'. He'd be Barney 'Wait For It' Eriksen. How awesome is that?"

When I was 13, my father caught me kissing a boy, so he sent me to our family's ranch for foaling season. Once you see a baby horse erupt through that birth canal, you stop even touching yourself!

Officer Barbrady: "Well just as soon as I handle all the other crime in South Park, I'm gonna go with you to the planetarium, so I can prove that nothing's wrong."
Stan: "What other crime in South Park?"
Officer Barbrady: "Oh yeah... let's go."

Stuart McCormick: "We don't have a Nintendo, we got a calico-vision plugged into the black and white TV."
Kyle: "Oh my god, this is like a third world country."

Did I ever really love Big or was I addicted to the pain? The exquisite pain of wanting someone so unattainable.

Samantha: "I never Ieave underwear, because I never see it again."
Charlotte: "What happens to it?"
Samantha: "Nothing, I never go back."
Carrie: "Isn't it a Iittle expensive disposing of lingerie every time you sleep with a guy?"
Samantha: "That's why I stopped wearing underwear on dates."
Miranda: "That's why I'm never borrowing a dress from you again."
Charlotte: "I once found another woman's underwear in a man's bed."
Carrie: "Maybe it was Samantha's!"

Carrie: "It's the Millennium, we don't say 'working class' anymore."
Charlotte: "You're trying to pretend we live in a classless society - and we don't."
Carrie: "Marie Antoinette, we get the picture."

Miranda: "If 85% aren't circumcised, that means I've only slept with 15% of the population, tops."
Carrie: "You're practically a virgin."

Carrie: "Something Iike 85% aren't circumcised."
Charlotte: "Great, now they're taking over the world!"
Carrie: "It's a penis, not Godzilla."

Samantha: "You forgot someone you slept with?"
Carrie: "We're not in single-digits anymore."

In a city that moves so fast, you get the Sunday paper on Saturday - how did any of us know how much time we had left?

Samantha: "If I had a son, I'd teach him all about the v*gina."
Carrie: "If you had a son, we'd call social services."

Org*sms don't send you Valentine's cards and don't hold your hand in a sad movie.

Kyle: "It's Mr. Hanky! I think he's in some kind of trouble."
Stan: "Dude, how do you tell if a piece of poo is in trouble?"

Everything's legal in Mexico, it's the American way.

A summer without fireworks sucks ass.

A bl*wjob isn't with your mouth, it's with your heart. Now get on your knees and put that heart to work.

If you so much as touch Kitty's ass, I'll put firecrackers in your nut sack, and blow your balls all over your pants!

Kyle: "Scary monsters don't eat big, fat, smelly b*tches."
Mrs. Crabtree: "What did you say?!"
Kyle: "I said, Larry King won't grant me 3 wishes!"

This is all I'm going to say about drugs: Stay away from them! There's a time and a place for everything and it's called college.

Stan: "We're not getting on, you ugly b*tch!"
Ms. Crabtree: "What did you say?!"
Stan: "I said, we're not getting on, you ugly b*tch!"
Ms. Crabtree: "Oh, all right then."
Kyle: "Woah, dude.'"
Stan: "I always wondered if that would work."

Stan: "Oh, my God, they killed Kenny."
Kyle: "You bastards!"

Stan: "What the hell are you doing?"
Cartman: "My mom said lesbians lick carpet."

Cartman: "I sneaked around my mom's closet and saw what I'm getting: the Ultra Vibe Pleasure 2000."
Stan: "What's that?"
Cartman: "I don't know, but it sounds sweet."

Woah, that is one fudged-up little cracker!

Mr. Garrison: "Where are you from?"
Damien: "The Seventh Layer of Hell."
Mr. Garrison: "Oh, my mother was from Alabama."

We dont need Wolowitz! Engineering is merely the slower younger brother of physics. Watch and learn! Do either of you know how to open the toolbox?

Stan: "We always run late, you sk*nk."
Ms. Crabtree: "What did you say?!"
Stan: "I can't wait to own a fishing tank."

Alan: "Why don't you get a vasectomy?"
Charlie: "I've considered it. In fact, a couple of years ago I believe there was a petition circulating."

I've learned something today. You can't win all the time. If you don't win, you can't hold it against the person who did. Because that's the only way you ever really lose.

That's one small step for special effects, one giant leap for our imaginations!

I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

It's not stock footage, it's more like stock mileage at this point.

Stan: "Dolphins are intelligent and friendly!"
Cartman: "Intelligent and friendly on rye bread."
Stan: "Dolphins are smarter than you!"
Cartman: "Then why do they live in igloos?"
Stan: "That's not dolphins, that's Eskimos!"
Cartman: "Who cares? It's tree-hugging hippie crap."

It's economical not to have a storyline, because then you can just film people saying things.

When is this guy going to start showing some simple competence?

Cartman: "After I'm on television, I'm gonna be totally famous."
Wendy: "Hitler was famous too."