The best Series Quotes (Page 176)

Mrs. Buckminster was a spoonful of sugar. But so far, everyone we can afford on this website HeyNannyNanny.com is "Scary Poppins".

Marshall: "Are you sure this poo-poo didn't happen on your watch and you just ran out the clock until it was my problem?"
Lily: "Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, right. What kind of mother lets her son sit in his own filth for an extra nine minutes and 42 seconds?"

It's probably his... I've spent years, training my boys to swim the other way.

Robin: "I'm pregnant."
Barney: "Are you sure you're not just getting fat?"

Human beings are designed for many things, but loneliness isn't one of them.

Quinn: "In the event of divorce, Miss Garvey shall get full custody of Mr. Stinson's suits."
Barney: "Why? What would you do with them?"
Quinn: "Nothing. I'd just sit around and watch them go out of style."

Miss Garvey's parents may stay at our place as long as they like. Provided they each arrive in an urn.

Quinn: "I have to pay $2,000 every time I gain a pound?"
Barney: "Not every time. Just if it shows up at the weekly weigh-in."

Seven years ago when Marshall and Lily got engaged Ted saw Robin across a crowded room and I said 'oh yeah you just know she likes it dirty', but Ted really liked her, so we played 'Have You met Ted?' They went to dinner, he walked her home, should have kissed her, didn't - lame.
So he stole the Smurf penis, went back to her place, should have kissed her, didn't - lame.
He threw three parties, they kissed on the roof but decided to be friends - lame.
Then Ted wanted to take Robin to a wedding, she couldn't go, he went alone and met Victoria. Didn't kiss her either - lame.
Not a great closer Ted. Then he finally kissed her, they started dating, she went to Germany. Ted kissed Robin, lost Victoria, Ted did a rain dance, got Robin. Ted and Robin broke up, Robin moved to Brazil came back with a Latin stud.
Ted got jealous, got a tramp stamp, not really relevant to the story I just like mentioning it as much as possible. I hooked up with Robin, Ted and I stopped being friends, Ted got hit by a bus, we made up... Robin and I started dating and I got fat, her hair fell out, we broke up. Robin dated Don, I dated Nora. I cheated on her with Robin, I dumped Nora. Robin dated Kevin but not for long and then I met you and you took my Grandpa's watch, but I fell in love with you anyway and you let me fart in front of you and I asked you to marry me and you said 'yes', so we came over here to meet little Marvin and that's everything. Also I went on the Price Is Right and I won a dune buggy.

Ted: "When you leave someone at the altar, you always leave a note. It's common courtesy."
Victoria: "I think common courtesy went out the window when I did."

Avril Lavigne is going to marry Chad Kroeger. And as you are kind of compatriot... is that something that you could imagine too, marry somebody really ugly?

You're like the iPhone 5 of German TV hosts. Thin, light and unnecessarily tall.

Nate: "You still love her, huh?"
Chuck: "Can't imagine the day I won't."

We all havee momeents of deespeeration. If we can face them head-on, that's when we find out, how strong we really are.

It's like my grandmother always said: An erect penis doesn't have a conscience.

Max: "How old are you gonna be?"
Earl: "75"
Max: "Oh, Earl, if you were just three years younger..."

Robbie: "I'm Robbie."
Caroline: "I'm uncomfortable. You're getting me wet."
Robbie: "That's the point."

Hey, if you got a second - stop staring at my boobs!

I wear knit hats when it's cold out. You wear knit hats 'cause of Coldplay.
You have tattoos to piss off your dad. My dad doesn't know he's my dad.
And finally, you think this is the sound that gets you service. I think, this is the sound that dries up my v-gina.

Simba: "Ouh. Jeez, what was that for?"
Rafiki: "It doesn't matter, it's in the past."
Simba: "Yeah, but it still hurts."
Rafiki: "Oh yes, the past can hurt. But the way I see it, you can either run from it, or learn from it."

Scaring people into participating isn't success, it's Scientology.

You're asking me if I have any gum? That's like asking New Jersey if it has any sl-ts!

Listen, hit me with one more dead president and you'll be six feet under with Biggie and Tupac. You understand me, Jew-Tang Clan?

Well, listen, just remember, that love will get u through times of no money better, than money will get you through times of no love.

Han Lee: "Perhaps we'll pump the brakes on sour waitress attitude."
Max: "There's only one tool that can change my 'tude, but I'm gonna need two double-A batteries and a 20-minute break."

Oleg: "If I knew we were gonna have staff meetings after work, I would've taken job at T.G.I. Friday instead. Over there, they roll fast and loose."
Han Lee: "Well, this is how I roll."
Max: "Yeah, short and slow."
Han Lee: "No, I roll fast and furious... Tokyo Drift style."

Max: "Earl, can you break some 20s? The big spenders at table two wanna split their $11 check three ways - even though one person did all the eating."
Earl: "I was in a three-way once. Same thing happened."

Han Lee: "Max, why did you kick out the hipsters?"
Max: "Cause I could not be in the background of another Instagram photo!"

Thanksgiving is almost here and as soon as people realize how much money they have to spend on holiday gifts, their wallets snap tighter than Kim Kardashian's legs after the wedding check cleared.

Max: "I kissed Johnny."
Caroline: "What? When?"
Max: "He came by the apartment right after you left."
Caroline: "I was only gone 20 minutes. What'd you do - shine a bat symbol on your v*gina?"

Last time I was at the gold space loft, I went to a poetry slam and I wound up slamming a poet.

Han Lee: "Booty call on billboard. If it's after 2:30, call is for the dirty."
Max: "What's that from? Dr. Seuss' 'oh, the places you'll put it in'?"

Do you think we can convince them that slapping each other's face is the new high five?

Caroline: "I'm much more concerned with our business and getting my head back above water. Men will come sooner or later."
Max: "Well, according to my research most men come sooner."

This neighborhood is definitely on the rise. I remember a time when a black man couldn't get a cab around here. And that time was Wednesday.

Han Lee: "Hipsters like karaoke!"
Max: "Replace the word 'like' with the word 'Hitler' and you got the three worst things in history."

Earl: "Max, what is the worst sentence you ever want to come out of Han's mouth?"
Max: "I got you pregnant?"
Earl: "Come on, bad, bad."
Max: "I got you pregnant again?"

Robbie, if I were gonna go lesbian, she would be the last 'les' I'd 'be in'.

Caroline: "No need to yell, he's a champion."
Max: "Champion stink bomb. It's smelling pretty ripe out in that yard."
Caroline: "That's not Chestnut, that's Brooklyn."
Max: "Okay, well, I'm watching 'The Champion' drop some steaming hot 'Brooklyn' right now."

Max: "Hi, ready to order?"
Guest: "Do you have anything that's really special?"
Max: "Not according to my high school guidance counselor."

Caroline: "What'd you see in that guy, anyway?"
Max: "He had these muscle thingies."
Caroline: "Oh, those things?"
Max: "Yeah. I don't know what those are called, but they make smart girls stupid."

That girl is workin' harder than Stephen Hawking tryin' to put in a pair of cufflinks.

Eight months ago he bought it from the Russian mob. Clientele used to be all eastern bloc criminals and crack wh*res. But then he took it over and ruined it.

I think it'd be better for everyone, including my immune system, if I just keep on wearing what I'm wearing and not the apron, 'cause this is Chanel.

Guest: "Excuse me, where is my waitress?"
[Paulina moaning]
Max Black: "She's coming."

Be strong, sister. It won't be long before we have the power we need to fight.

Thor: "Do you see yourself above them?"
Loki: "Oh yes."
Thor: "Then you miss the truth of ruling, brother."

Swear that if Thanos comes for me, you'll kill me. Swear on your mother!

The name is Quicksilver and if you and your friends don't leave this place at once, my father won't be the only person I kill today.

He's an a-shole, and I hate his stinking guts right now, but that doesn't mean I don't love him.