The best Series Quotes (Page 175)

Penny: "Leonard isn't the kind of guy I usually go out with."
Sheldon: "Leonard isn't the kind of guy anyone usually goes out with."

Penny: "Yes, I will go out with you."
Leonard: "Really?"
Penny: "Yeah. Why not? I mean, what do I have to lose?"
Leonard: "Yeah. That's the spirit!"

Ted: "It's the Drunk Train! You crossed out all the stops and wrote V*gina-Ville."
Barney: "That's not true. That one says Boner Gardens."

Lucas: "Did you change your hair?"
Karen: "If by 'change,' you mean 'drag a brush through it', then yeah."

Dan: "I'm only thinking of the kid."
Karen: "You have no right to think of him - not today or any other day of his life. How dare you."
Dan: "Are you finished?"
Karen: "I haven't even started!"

Robin: "Can you guys keep a secret?"
Lily: "Yeah."
Marshall: "Well, some of us can..."

There is a tide in the affairs of men, which taken at the flood, leads on to fortune but omitted, and the voyage of their life is bound in shallows and mesires. On such a full sea are we now afloat and we must take the current when it serves or lose the ventures before us.

As fun as this place is, it's late. So, what's our play? And don't say, "The Siamese Twins", we're not stretching out another one of my jackets!

It's not what you think, he just wants to have sex. Kidding. Just a little hand stuff. Ha, kidding again. Ted's more of a boob man. I seriously can't stop.

Barney: "I love how she was this wise, old, chilled out, lesbian farmer."
Robin: "No, no, no. She's not a lesbian, nor does she farm them. No, that woman she lives with, that's just her special friend Maureen. They've lived together for... Oh!"

You've been a hell of a wingman. And even though I think it's kind of gross when you pleasure yourself orally, don't ever think that means I'm not impressed.

Ted: "As a kid, I was known as a bit of a detective. In fact, when my friend's retainer went missing, the Mosby Boys were put on the case, and it was..."
Victoria: "The retainer was in the garbage. The Mosby Boys were you, your sister, and a neighborhood squirrel you thought you had tamed."
Ted: "I can't believe Squirrel-lock Holmes turned on us like that, eight weeks of training down the drain."

Ted: "So this is what you guys do? You invite other couples over for dinner, to judge them and feel superior?"
Lily: "Oh, grow up, Ted, that's why any couple invites anyone over ever!"

We're cosigning birthday cards, we got toothbrushes at each other's places, foreplay's out the window. I'm in, I'm out, I'm sleeping - it's great.

Ted: "Why wouldn't she just come right out and say what she wants?"
Marshall: "Men. It's like, if there weren't pickle jars to open and spiders to kill and computers to back up, what would be their point?"
Lily: "Mmh-hmm!"
Ted: "Okay, when did Marshall become a slightly more feminine you?"

I've got a new bro, a bro that puts all other bros to shame. The b*tches love him. He buries bones all day. No one chases tail like him. Why aren't you guys laughing? Oh, wait, I probably should have led with this: he's a dog! I've named him Brover.

In my absence, your whole life has become this sexual playground.

We will find someone - someone who doesn't remember what they were doing the day Lincoln was shot.

You can't ruin a friendship with sex. That's like trying to ruin ice cream with chocolate sprinkles

I feel like at this point, Apple's releasing products, just to see if there's anything we won't buy.

Penny: "What a cute, little store... everybody's staring at me?"
Leonard: "Don't worry, they're more scared of you, than you are of them."

This physicist goes into an ice cream parlor every week and orders an ice cream sundae for himself, and then offers one to the empty stool sitting next to him. This goes on for a while until the owner finally asks him what he's doing. The man says, "Well, I'm a physicist, and quantum mechanics teaches us, that it is possible for the matter above this stool to spontaneously turn into a beautiful woman who might accept my offer and fall in love with me." The owner then says, "Lots of single, beautiful women come in here ever day. Buy an ice cream for one of them, and they might fall in love with you." And the physicist says, "Yeah, but what are the odds of that happening?!"

I love the smell of paintballs in the morning.

Leonard: "You owe me another two dollars, the price of moo shu pork went up."
Howard: "It's getting tougher and tougher to be a bad Jew."

My expenses account for 46.9% of my after-tax income. The rest is divided up between a small savings account, this deceptive container of peanut brittle and the hollowed-out buttocks of a superhero action figure who shall remain nameless for his own protection... or HER own protection.

Leonard: "Penny's taking you to the DMV, I'm going to bed."
Sheldon: "Why Penny?"
Leonard: "Because rock breaks scissors."

Howard: "You know, I'm really glad you decided to learn Mandarin."
Sheldon: "Why?"
Howard: "Once you're fluent, you'll have a billion more people to annoy instead of me."

You tell people I'm a rocket scientist? My God! Why don't you just tell them that I'm a toll-taker at the Golden Gate Bridge?

Is it 'cause I'm Jewish? 'Cause I'd kill my rabbi with a pork chop to be with your sister.

Howard: "Don't you think I should answer the engineering questions? I am an engineer."
Sheldon: "By that logic I should answer all the anthropology questions because I'm a mammal."

Judging from how many clients that hooker has serviced, I'd say we've been here almost an hour.

Sheldon: "Well, once, when I was 15, spending the summer at the Heidelberg Institute in Germany."
Penny: "Studying abroad?"
Sheldon: "No. Visiting professor. Anyway, the local cuisine was a little more sausage-based than I'm used to. And the result was an internal Blitzkrieg, with my lower intestine playing the part of Czechoslovakia."

Leonard: "Sheldon, relax! She doesn't have any symptoms, I'm sure she's not contagious."
Sheldon: "Oh, please! If influenza was only contagious after symptoms appear, it would have died out thousands of years ago. Somewhere between tool using and cave painting, homo habilis would have figured out how to kill the guy with the runny nose."

Penny: "You'll never guess what just happened."
Sheldon: "I don't guess. As a scientist, I reach conclusions based on observation and experimentation. Although it occurs to me, you may have been employing a rhetorical device - rendering my response moot."

She is cheating. No one can be that attractive and this skilled at a video game.

Leonard: "The only way we can play teams at this point is if we cut Raj in half."
Rajesh: "Sure, cut the foreigner in half. There's a billion more where he came from."

Sheldon: "What are we doing here?"
Leonard: "We're socializing, meeting new people."
Sheldon: "Telepathically?"

Sheldon: "I'm not quite sure. It involves a part of the human experience that has always eluded me."
Leonard: "That narrows it down."

Oh, gravity, thou art a heartless b*tch!

Penny: "You know, it's a Cheesecake Factory... people order cheesecake and I bring it to them."
Leonard: "So you kind of act as like a carbohydrate delivery system?"
Penny: "Yeah, call it whatever you want, I get minimum wage."

Ted: "Cleveland sports are still relevant! 'LeBron who?' Right, guys?"
Barney: "Ted, neither you, nor Cleveland knows how to get over someone leaving them."

I know this hurts little buddy, but you'll love again someday. Because time will heal a broken heart, but not that b*tch's window.

Ted: "Those Robin's boobies?"
Barney: "When new nubile hotties lean in to inspect your bundle of joy, you can inspect their bundles of joy. The Broller. God, I come up with a lot of good stuff!"

The boobs on the bus go up and down, up and down, up and down
The boobs on the bus go up and down, all through the town

Bro, bro, bro your broat, gently to the bar
Hit on sl*ts, then do ten shots and...

Bro McDonald had a farm, E-I-E-I-bro
And on that farm he had some chicks, E-I-E-I-bro
With a hot chick here and a dumb chick there...

Ted: "You know, as your best friend, if called upon, I'd be honored to raise Marvin."
Robin: "If you want him to be raised by his underwear on a flagpole, Ted's your guy. If you want him pulling the chord on some other nerd's panties, I'm your guy."
Barney: "I'll teach that kid how to be awesome in ways you and Lily never could. It's going to be legend- wait for it... no, I won't wait for it and neither should little baby Marvin, so maybe it's better if you two just die right now... -dary!"

It is so nice to be out in the fresh air. You smell that? That's the smell of urine that isn't Marvin's.

Run the montage of people who died this year until I get back and add Sandy, because when I find him, I'm gonna kill him.

The big bro in the sky had answered my prayers. Allmighty five!