The best Series Quotes (Page 167)

Monica: "This is not even a date. It's just two people going out to dinner and not having sex."
Chandler: "Sounds like a date to me."

Excuse me? Was there any reason to know Miley Cyrus before she was swinging naked on a wrecking ball?

Dear Diary, it's me... Doug. The school dance felt like it happened a long time ago, but I remember it like it was only yesterday. It all began... well, this afternoon.

Skeeter: "Wow, I've never seen a vegetarian dog before."
Doug: "It's just a phase."

Doug: "My name's Doug. I guess I didn't catch yours."
Roger: "That's because I didn't throw it."

I hate cleaning up around here. What's the point? It's just gonna get dirty again.

Okay, four-eyes, what did you do to her?

Forget the tactic crap. This calls for some good old fashioned butt whoopin'!

In most cases, revenge is not a good thing. In other cases, it's the only thing.

With the exception of sporting events and bachelor parties, we basically bottle up our feelings until we die.

I can tell you a million and a half things I've never heard of!

I guess it just goes to show you: Sometimes things don't turn out as bad as you think they will. But sometimes they turn out a lot worse. But, then again, sometimes they turn out sorta ok, but kinda bad.

Don't forget to fall in love with yourself first.

Your story is so sweet. You didn't even kiss 'til the third date. By our third date, I hit more bases than Bob Hope on a USO tour.

Every hookup at a weekend wedding is decided at Friday Night Drinks. Get stuck with the wrong girl tonight, the only action you'll be getting all weekend is a self five and I don't mean the cool kind. Self-five! That's the cool kind.

Gosh, Amy, I'm sensing a little hostility. Is it maybe because, like Sheldon's work, your sex life is also theoretical?

The good news is, Luke has his bike.
More good news, I taught some random kid a valuable lesson by stealing his bike.

Mitchell: "We didn't just go to Vietnam for pleasure. We kinda have some big news."
Jay: "Oh God, if Cam comes out there with boobs, I'm leaving."

Phil: "What a beautiful dress."
Gloria: "Thank you, Phil."
Phil: "Oh, okay."
Claire: "Phil! She said Phil, not feel!"

Mitchell: "It's been five years now and he still does this thing were he announces himself before walking into any room we're in, just to make sure he doesn't ever see us kiss."
Cameron: "Wish my mother had that system. Remember?"

Gloria: "It seemd like all what we did was fight and make love. One time, I'm not kidding you, we fell out of the window together."
Jay: "Which one were you doing?"

I'm a cool dad. That's my thang. I surf the web... I text LOL - Laugh Out Loud, OMG - Oh My God, WTF - Why The Face.

Mitchell: "we've decided we really wanted to have a baby so, we initially asked one of our lesbian friends to be a surrogate."
Cameron: "Then we figured, they already mean enough, can you imagine one of them pregnant?"

Alex: "Luke got his head stuck in the banister again."
Phil: "I got it. Where's the babyoil?"
Claire: "It's on our bedside tip- I Don't know, find it!"

Well, I'm a demanding director. Back then, George Lucas wasn't like, "guys, let's stop shooting, the Ewoks are getting wet", back then.

There are dreamers and there are realists in this world. You'd think the dreamers would find the dreamers and the realists would find the realists, but more often than not the opposite is true. You see, the dreamers need the realists to keep them from soaring too close to the sun. And the realists, well without the dreamers, they might not ever get off the ground.

Oh, come on, ref! I haven't seen that much hooking go unpunished since my last trip to Vegas.

Barney: "I was having such a good time greasing 12-year-olds."
Ted: "LaserTag."
Marshall: "Helpful. Continue."

Lily: "Just be yourself. Say something nice."
Robin: "Which one? I can't do both."

I'm also pleased to announce The Bro Code is now available in select airlines across the country. And Lufthansa. 'Der Bro Code' is, like, huge in Germany.

This sacred text was eventually brought to the New World in 1776 by none other than Christopher Brolumbus. And that's why he got to bang Pocahontas.

The Bro Code has been around for centuries. Nay... whatever's more than centuries.

My metabolism is all messed up. See, I can moose down a pint of fudge ripple for a midnight snack and wake up having lost weight. Well, everywhere except for my boobs. So annoying.

Ted: "So, you are mad about me and Robin holding hands."
Barney: "Of course I'm mad Ted. Holding hands is like the fourth grade equivalent of banging. Well in your case, twelfth grade. Self-five!"

Robin: "I can't believe my great grandparents still do that."
Barney: "And I never imagined a walker being used for anything other than walking."

Barney: "You avoiding the family too?"
James: "I'm gay, I'm black and I'm getting a divorce. Those walking skeletons are gonna have more questions for me than their pharmacists."

Here's the thing, kids: When you believe in people, people come through.

I'm from Minnesota, where there's plenty hot-dogs for everyone. Perhaps even too many...

Barney: "Our wedding is gonna be legendary."
Robin: "No wait for it?"
Barney: "I've got you, I don't have to wait for it anymore."

They have a new high-end iPhone called the iPhone 5S. The 'S' stands for 'shut up and give us your money'.

This is about as close as America gets to having a royal baby; Apple unveiling a new iPhone.

This room is like a museum of old, useless crap... by which I mean every museum.

This is America. Anyone can eat what they want, as long as they eat too much.

Good to meet you. Don't drink and drive! But if you do, call me!

Larry Bloom: "Are we at least gonna talk about other options?"
Piper Chapman: "You mean..."
Larry Bloom: "It's not Voldemort, you can say it. Abortion."

Larry Bloom: "Piper, you put a pee stick in my rinsing cup."
Piper Chapman: "Well, you put your pee stick in my v*gina. And that's why we're in this situation."

And Hansel said to Gretel: Let us drop these bread crumbs so that together we can find our way home. Because losing our way would be the most cruel of things. This year I lost my way.

Lily Aldrin: "Guys, The Captain just made me a very interesting offer."
Barney Stinson: "Finally we get around to the real reason he hired you. Just promise you film it, and please use a tripod. There's nothing artistic about shaky-cam, it just looks sloppy."

The only difference between us is, when I made bad decisions in life, I didn't get caught.

Joe Caputo: "You ever notice how some dog breeds, they sound kind of dirty? Like, shih tzu, cocker, Jack-something."
Susan Fischer: "Poodle."
Joe Caputo: "That is good, I didn't think of that one."