Quote by Trevor Noah (about California)

Quote by Trevor Noah (about California)

California has officially announced that jaywalking is now no longer a crime. So congratulations to the Californians who like walking places. This is great news for the six of you.

Trevor Noah in The Daily Show - October 2022

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Spotify, the app with the entire history of recorded music that you only use to listen to four songs that you liked in high school.

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You don't need to show up like a SWAT Team to rescue a Barbie from a little girl. If anything, you should be rescuing the little girl from the Barbie. Should be getting there like, "little girl, watch out! That Barbie can give you a warped sense of what a woman's body is supposed to be!"

Trevor Noah in The Daily Show - June 2020

All the teams in the NBA will not be playing basketball on Election Day. And the Knicks were like, "Oh, no problem we don't play basketball every day, that's just what we do."

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The NBA has announced that they will not be playing any games on election day and instead will encourage their fans to go and vote. I will say though, not to sound cynical but, if the Timberwolves game is what was keeping you from voting maybe... yeah.

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Crypto is crashing even harder, with Bitcoin plummeting 67% from its high, which I found really interesting. Because for, like, the past ten years, every single crypto bro I've met has told me that crypto would protect me when the mainstream economy failed.

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Usually, when Boris Johnson takes a position, the opposite position is the right one. That's why his hair is always like, "Wherever he goes, I'm going the other way."

Trevor Noah in The Daily Show - Juni 2022

I'm just curious about how you even know when Rudy Giuliani is drunk. No, because when a normal person is drunk, they say crazy things, they yell, they sweat a lot. So how does that work with Rudy? Does it work in reverse? Like, does he start talking normally, his hair die sucks back into his hair?

Trevor Noah in The Daily Show - Juni 2022

No one has ever been delighted to be in Boston in December. December? What are you excited about? "Oh, I love chapped lips and getting thrown up on by Patriots fans, how peachy."

Trevor Noah in The Daily Show - December 2022

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Today is Spotify-Wrapped-Day. The day that Spotify looks at our music and reminds us that we're all a basic b*tch. Thank God, Tinder doesn't do a year-end wrap-up just to remind you of all the terrible decisions you made on desperate nights.

Trevor Noah in The Daily Show - December 2022

The next World Cup will be in the US. Which means all the players will be allowed to use guns. Don't worry, they can't use their hands to shoot them... should be interesting.

Trevor Noah in The Daily Show - December 2022

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The house still passed a gun-control bill. The only problem is that everyone already knows that it has zero chance of passing in the senate. Which has got to be rough for the house. You work so hard on something that you know is going to lose. They're like the New York Knicks of legislation.

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North Korea, voted Korea of the year by North Korea Magazine for the past three decades.

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I'm sorry that we live in a world where there are people who will put a gun before your lives.

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When did fact checking and journalism go their separate ways?

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We called her Mother Earth. Because she gave birth to us, and then we sucked her dry.

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If America leads a blessed life, then why did God put all of our oil under people who hate us?

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If "con" is the opposite of "pro", then isn't "congress" the opposite of "progress"?

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I've been to Canada, and I've always gotten the impression that I could take the country over in about two days.

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Religion. It's given people hope in a world torn apart by religion.

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The Internet is just a world passing around notes in a classroom.

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Yes, reason has been a part of organized religion, ever since two nudists took dietary advice from a talking snake.

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Yesterday, the president met with a group he calls the coalition of the willing. Or, as the rest of the world calls them, Britain and Spain.

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If you dare as an organization to certify the cancellation of the McRib, I will not accept those results. I'm gonna get a group of people together and we're going to travel and we're going to march down to McDonald's headquarters. We're going to McDonald's the first week of January to start the year off with a bang.

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If you start deporting every shady looking guy with questionable tattoos, who's gonna go to Jets games?

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Regardless of our differences, this was still New York. A melting pot crammed onto an island, then pushed into a subway car with a rat eating pizza. You're not left or right. You're a New f*cking Yorker and we're in this together.

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New Mexico. It's another state. I mean, it's like California, just less traffic.

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Kim Jong-un is very isolated in his own country. He's the only obese person in North Korea.

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One of the main differences between Munich and Berlin is that when thousands of people get drunk in silly clothes and start vomitting, we don't call it "Oktoberfest", we call it "Tuesday".

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To never be sick can't be healthy.

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A Christian telling an atheist they're going to hell is as scary as a child telling an adult they're not getting any presents from Santa.

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Life is so damn short. For f's sake, just do what makes you happy!

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Life is fleeting. And if you're ever distressed, cast your eyes to the summer sky when the stars are strung across the velvety night. And when a shooting star streaks through the blackness, turning night into day... make a wish and think of me.

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This is the end of Wladimir Putin.

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People say that money changes people. It really doesn't. Money don't change people. Money allows you to be more of who you really are. If you're a kind person when you get a lot of money, you become a kinder person. If you're an a-shole when you get a lot of money, you become a big a-shole. When you see rich people acting like a-sholes it's 'cause they've always been one.

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Life is too short to worry about what others say about you. Have fun and give them something to talk about.

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Where I'm from? A little town called none of yo god damn business.

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The last person that was excited about a check with Donald Trump's name on it was Stormy Daniels.

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Anyone who tells you fatherhood is the greatest thing that can happen to you, they are understating it.

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One downside of our big brains is we're the only creatures who are aware that death is inevitable. Although, if you lined ten dogs in a row and shot them one by one, the dog on the end would probably get the gist by about dog four.

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