The best Quotes by Trevor Noah

Spotify, the app with the entire history of recorded music that you only use to listen to four songs that you liked in high school.

The Daily Show - The Truth Behind Music Streaming

Spotify

You don't need to show up like a SWAT Team to rescue a Barbie from a little girl. If anything, you should be rescuing the little girl from the Barbie. Should be getting there like, "little girl, watch out! That Barbie can give you a warped sense of what a woman's body is supposed to be!"

The Daily Show - June 2020

Barbie

All the teams in the NBA will not be playing basketball on Election Day. And the Knicks were like, "Oh, no problem we don't play basketball every day, that's just what we do."

The Daily Show - August 2022

New York Knicks

The NBA has announced that they will not be playing any games on election day and instead will encourage their fans to go and vote. I will say though, not to sound cynical but, if the Timberwolves game is what was keeping you from voting maybe... yeah.

The Daily Show - August 2022

Minnesota Timberwolves

Crypto is crashing even harder, with Bitcoin plummeting 67% from its high, which I found really interesting. Because for, like, the past ten years, every single crypto bro I've met has told me that crypto would protect me when the mainstream economy failed.

The Daily Show - Juni 2022

Bitcoin Cryptocurrencies

Usually, when Boris Johnson takes a position, the opposite position is the right one. That's why his hair is always like, "Wherever he goes, I'm going the other way."

The Daily Show - Juni 2022

Boris Johnson

I'm just curious about how you even know when Rudy Giuliani is drunk. No, because when a normal person is drunk, they say crazy things, they yell, they sweat a lot. So how does that work with Rudy? Does it work in reverse? Like, does he start talking normally, his hair die sucks back into his hair?

The Daily Show - Juni 2022

Rudy Giuliani

No one has ever been delighted to be in Boston in December. December? What are you excited about? "Oh, I love chapped lips and getting thrown up on by Patriots fans, how peachy."

The Daily Show - December 2022

New England Patriots Boston

Today is Spotify-Wrapped-Day. The day that Spotify looks at our music and reminds us that we're all a basic b*tch. Thank God, Tinder doesn't do a year-end wrap-up just to remind you of all the terrible decisions you made on desperate nights.

The Daily Show - December 2022

Tinder Spotify

California has officially announced that jaywalking is now no longer a crime. So congratulations to the Californians who like walking places. This is great news for the six of you.

The Daily Show - October 2022

California

The next World Cup will be in the US. Which means all the players will be allowed to use guns. Don't worry, they can't use their hands to shoot them... should be interesting.

The Daily Show - December 2022

FIFA World Cup 2026

The house still passed a gun-control bill. The only problem is that everyone already knows that it has zero chance of passing in the senate. Which has got to be rough for the house. You work so hard on something that you know is going to lose. They're like the New York Knicks of legislation.

The Daily Show - Juni 2022

NRA New York Knicks

North Korea, voted Korea of the year by North Korea Magazine for the past three decades.

The Daily Show - Juni 2022

North Korea

I'm sorry that we live in a world where there are people who will put a gun before your lives.

The Daily Show - Oktober 2017

NRA

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If you start deporting every shady looking guy with questionable tattoos, who's gonna go to Jets games?

Jordan Klepper in The Daily Show

New York Jets

Regardless of our differences, this was still New York. A melting pot crammed onto an island, then pushed into a subway car with a rat eating pizza. You're not left or right. You're a New f*cking Yorker and we're in this together.

Jordan Klepper in The Daily Show - Debates Anti-Vax Mandate Protesters in NYC

New York City

Klepper: "What does that mean, 'Their DNA is wiped out'?"
Anti-Vax protester: "Like, their immunity is getting wiped out."
Klepper: "Okay, 'cause COVID wiped out 600.000 DNAs."
Anti-Vax protester: "Yes, of course!"

Jordan Klepper in The Daily Show - Debates Anti-Vax Mandate Protesters in NYC

Vaccines

You're gonna move the ocean into the desert? That is the stupidest thing I've ever heard, unless they do it while Burning Man is happening. In which case, go for it. Please take a bath, you dirty hippies!

Ronny Chieng in The Daily Show

Burning Man

I know Liberals and Conservatives don't agree on much. But can we agree that you should not own a gun, if you don't know how to poop in a potty?

Jordan Klepper in The Daily Show - April 2023

NRA

Trump Supporter: "It's an American ideal that we treat women with respect."
Klepper: "You gotta give me the back of that shirt one more time, that's too much fun."
Trump Supporter: "Trump that b*tch!"
Klepper: "Ha ha, we don't even see the irony of it... I love it."

Jordan Klepper in The Daily Show - Trump Supporter Ideology Test

Trump Supporter: "The regular couple... they work so hard, you know, and the gay couple they want more."
Klepper: "When you say 'more', do you mean 'equal'?"
Trump Supporter: "Yeah, they want equal."
Klepper: "And that's just too much?"

Jordan Klepper in The Daily Show - Trump Supporter Ideology Test

Trump Supporter: "The presidency is a man's job. A female has more hormones. She could start a war in 10 seconds."
Klepper: "Haven't all wars been started by men?"

Jordan Klepper in The Daily Show - Trump Supporter Ideology Test

If you dare as an organization to certify the cancellation of the McRib, I will not accept those results. I'm gonna get a group of people together and we're going to travel and we're going to march down to McDonald's headquarters. We're going to McDonald's the first week of January to start the year off with a bang.

Roy Wood Jr. in The Daily Show

McDonald's

It's the 4th of July, that time of year when Americans who don't watch MSNBC, celebrate the nation's birthday.

Ronny Chieng in The Daily Show

Independence Day

Don't stereotype Asian people. Also, there's a good chance they're doctors, so they can help you out if you are worried.

Ronny Chieng in The Daily Show

Asia

I love getting in a Halloween spirit. I buy candy, and when trick-or-treaters come to my door, I eat it in their faces, to show that nothing in life is free!

Ronny Chieng in The Daily Show

Halloween

Do you know how bad that coffee has to be to to be considered a health risk in New York? This is the same city where pizza gets delivered by a rat!

Ronny Chieng in The Daily Show

New York City

If you wanna spend money to have a shitty night, just go on a Tinder date: "Oh, wow. That's so interesting. I've never met anyone who likes to travel before."

Ronny Chieng in The Daily Show

Tinder

The Metaverse is being made by Microsoft and Facebook, so you know it's gonna be boring as sh-t.

Ronny Chieng in The Daily Show

Virtual Reality

When did fact checking and journalism go their separate ways?

Jon Stewart

Journalism Facts

We called her Mother Earth. Because she gave birth to us, and then we sucked her dry.

Jon Stewart

Earth

If America leads a blessed life, then why did God put all of our oil under people who hate us?

Jon Stewart

Oil

If "con" is the opposite of "pro", then isn't "congress" the opposite of "progress"?

Jon Stewart

Humans only have one ending. Ideas live forever.

Ruth Handler in Barbie

'Cause I'm just Ken
Anywhere else I'd be a ten
Is it my destiny to live and die a life of blonde fragility?
I'm just Ken
Where I see love, she sees a friend
What will it take for her to see the man behind the tan and fight for me?

Ken in Barbie - I'm Just Ken

I have nothing against Orlando, though you are, of course, far more likely to get shot or robbed there than in London.

Boris Johnson

London Orlando

I want you to know how sad I am to be giving up the best job in the world.

Boris Johnson - July 2022, Resignation Speech

2022

More trade with Qatar & Emirates is good against terrorism.

Rudy Giuliani

Qatar

Change is not a destination, just as hope is not a strategy.

Rudy Giuliani

So cool that we can stream any song on Spotify these days. In the 2000s, downloading a single MP3 took several hours, and you had to be worried about the FBI knocking on your door the whole time.

Spotify 2000s FBI

I don't rate Heat fans like I rate Knicks fans. We are true basketball fans. No matter what - rain, sleet or snow, or even if we don't make it to the playoffs for 10 years - the Garden stands are still full.

Fat Joe

Miami Heat New York Knicks

I feel like I've got feet firmly in different camps. Between the right of gun ownership and public safety.

Tim Walz

NRA

We're working on becoming more efficient with our energy usage, but those algorithms use as much energy as the whole country of Denmark.

Frank Thelen - December 2017

Bitcoin Cryptocurrencies

How do you get $1000 in cryptocurrency?
Invest $2000.

Cryptocurrencies

On a football team, it’s not the strength of the individual players, but it is the strength of the unit and how they all function together.

Bill Belichick

American Football New England Patriots Community

The best Quotes by Trevor Noah

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