The best Quotes by Tony Johnson

Why would people rather be famous for being sh-t than not famous at all? When did that start?

Women are better than men. And they never stop trying to bring us up to their standard.

One day you'll eat your last meal, smell your last flower, hug your friend for the very last time. You might not know it's the last time, so that's why you should do everything you love with passion, you know? Treasure the few years you've got because that's all there is.

I thought not caring was a superpower. I was wrong. Caring about stuff, that's what really matters. Kindness. Making other people feel good.

We're all screwed up in one way or another. It sort of makes you normal.

Once you realize you're not gonna be around forever, I think that's what makes life so magical.

Don't worry about your past. Worry about your future.

Here's what's what: humanity is a plague. We're a disgusting, narcissistic, selfish parasite, and the world would be a better place without us. It should be everyone's moral duty to kill themselves. I could do it now. Quite happily just go upstairs, jump off the roof, and make sure I landed on some c*nt from accounts.

Life is precious because you can't watch it again. I mean, you can believe in an afterlife if that makes you feel better. Doesn't mean it's true.

I'd rather be nowhere with her than somewhere without her.

I'm not a pedo. And if I was, you'd be safe, you tubby little ginger c*nt.

Why should you be embarrassed about being honest and saying something nice? He should be flattered.

Most things are a good excuse for a drink.

Happiness is amazing. It's so amazing it doesn't matter if it's yours or not.

Bad things happen to good people. Good things happen to bad people. Sometimes it's just no one's fault.

You've got such a good heart, you were born like it. You can't contrive it, you're just decent. I knew it, first time I met you. Hit me like a bolt of lightning. And I've loved you ever since, you fat twat.

At first I thought, "I'll give him the benefit of the doubt" because I just assumed that you were always having a bad day but maybe it's just because you're a c*nt.

A society grows great when old men plant trees the shade of which they know they will never sit in. Good people do things for other people, that's it, the end.

I'd rather live missing him than for him to live missing me. That's how much I love him.

Nothing's as good if you don't share it.

There are angels by the way. They don't have wings and live in clouds. They wear nurse's uniforms and work hard to pay the rent on their houses. Some work for charities because they can't look the other way. Some have four legs and bark. But whatever they look like, they all save lives.

You can't feel sorry for yourself. You've got to keep going.

"So, what's your job?"
"I'm a blogger and model on Instagram. How about you?"
"I'm a soldier in Call of Duty."
"That's not a job?!"
"Well, who started it?"

I have red hair, freckles and crooked teeth. I don't need any more character!

To alcohol! The cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems!

Lip: "Hey, whoa. You really think they deserve your hard-earned money for that service?"
Frank: "Dine and dash?"
Lip: "Bite and bolt."
Frank: "Eat it and beat it?"