Funny sayings for sitting on the Toilet

I'm tired of running to the gas station to use the bathroom. The guy makes me buy a Gatorade every time - it's a vicious circle.

The government just decided: Every houshold hoarding more than 10 rolls of toilet paper is from now on regarded as a public toilet.

Jim: "Yesterday, we had a meeting about planets."
Michael: "Jim, to be fair, the conversation wasn't about planets. We were talking about introducing a line of toilet paper. And what part of the human body does one use toilet paper upon?"

Did you come up with toilet buddy? It's a circular net you put inside the toilet to catch all of your change and your wallet from falling into the toilet.

One of his jinxes backfired, the toilet exploded and they found him lying unconscious in the wreckage covered from head to foot in -

Harry: "A Regurgitating Toilet?"
Arthur: "Anti-Muggle pranksters. Muggles are pulling the flush and instead of everything disappearing - well, you can imagine. The poor things keep calling in those - those pumbles, I think they're called - you know, the ones who mend pipes and things."

Kiara: "They're gonna have Japanese toilets with towel warmers."
JJ: "Of course. Why wouldn't they?"
Kiara: "This used to be a turtle habitat, but who cares about the turtles, I guess?"
JJ: "I can't have cold towels."

These are my poop shoes. That way no one knows it's me in the bathroom cause they don't see my shoes under the stall.

Who takes a shit in the middle of a heist?

I'm sick of the whole pooping thing... I'm gonna go get my butt cheeks pierced together.

Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge?

Michael: "You will be thin. You won't drool over pizza like an animal anymore. You will find love."
Kevin: "Michael, I'm pretty much okay with who I am now."
Michael: "Don't be. You should never settle for who you are."

Holly and I are like Romeo and Juliet. And this office is like the dragon that kept them apart.

Yes, I can ride a bike. I take spinning classes three times a month. I think I know how to ride a bike. I had those extra wheels on the back that support you.

Pam: "Jim and I have never and will never have sex in the office."
Jim: "No, because the office isn't what I'd consider a romantic place."
Pam: "Besides, we have something those other people don't have, which is a home and a bed."
Jim: "And a shower."

If I had a gun with two bullets and I was in a room with Hitler, bin Laden, and Toby - I would shoot Toby twice.

You need somebody who understands your references. Who is Kafkaesque? I've never...- I don't know him.

Never trust anything that can think for itself if you can't see where it keeps its brain!

"They run off eckeltricity, do they?" he said knowledgeably. "Ah yes, I can see the plugs. I collect plugs."

"Make no mistake, we'll hear about it," added Lupin pleasantly.
"Yes," said Mr Weasley, "even if you won't let Harry use the fellytone."

You're the weak one. And you'll never know love, or friendship. And I feel sorry for you.

We've all got both light and dark inside of us. What matters is the part we choose to act on. That's who we really are.

Ron: "One person couldn't feel all that. They'd explode."
Hermione: "Just because you've got the emotional range of a teaspoon doesn't mean we all have!"

That's the great thing about California, you can almost go to the mountains and almost go to the beach on the same day.

Leonard: "I can't believe you've never seen 'Raiders of the Lost Ark'."
Penny: "And I can't believe you've never read 'Eat, Pray, Love'."
Leonard: "When she comes out with 'Eat, Pray, Run away from a giant boulder', I'll read it."

Physics answers the question, "What is the nature of the universe?" Geology answers the question, "What'd I just trip over?"

Marty: "Thanks for going to outer space, so no matter what I do, my mum will be disappointed in me."
Howard: "Well, I married a little catholic girl, so we're even."

Crazy times we're living in. I used to cough to hide a fart, now I'm farting to hide a cough.

I tested negative to Covid yesterday and positive today. No symptoms what so ever. Covid had the courage to challenge me. Bad idea.

"I'll fix it up with Mum and Dad, then I'll call you. I know how to use a fellytone now."
"A telephone, Ron," said Hermione. "Honestly, you should take Muggle Studies next year."

Don't let the Muggles get you down!

Stupid things have good outcomes all the time.

You might end up in the lion's den, but you don't go there on purpose.

The Outer Banks, paradise on earth. It's the sort of place where you either have two jobs or two houses.

We're the Pogues and our mission this summer is to have a good time, all the time.

Alan: "You can't stay here alone."
Jake: "Why not?"
Alan: "You know why not."
Jake: "But you don't have a turtle to put in the microwave anymore."

If you ever meet a sea turtle, make sure to ask how old he is.

In the beginning of a jorney, no one knows what to expect. They might have a vague idea the road ahead could be rough. That's what makes new beginnings so exciting. You don't know what will happen until it's over.

Beginnings can be painful. But that doesn't mean they're bad.

Elsa: "This is where you can sit when we talk when I FaceTime you every night."
Sam: "Every night?"
Elsa: "I talked myself down from three times a day, so that is my best and final offer."

Sometimes I wish I was normal, but nobody's normal.

Leonard: "For God's sake, Sheldon, do I have to... hold up a sarcasm sign every time I open my mouth?"
Sheldon: "You have a sarcasm sign?"

Leonard: "You owe me another two dollars, the price of moo shu pork went up."
Howard: "It's getting tougher and tougher to be a bad Jew."

This physicist goes into an ice cream parlor every week and orders an ice cream sundae for himself, and then offers one to the empty stool sitting next to him. This goes on for a while until the owner finally asks him what he's doing. The man says, "Well, I'm a physicist, and quantum mechanics teaches us, that it is possible for the matter above this stool to spontaneously turn into a beautiful woman who might accept my offer and fall in love with me." The owner then says, "Lots of single, beautiful women come in here ever day. Buy an ice cream for one of them, and they might fall in love with you." And the physicist says, "Yeah, but what are the odds of that happening?!"

Raj: "Hey, look, I found an iPod!"
Howard: "Smashed beyond repair - what are you going to do with it?"
Raj: "What else? Sell it on ebay as 'slightly used'."