Funny sayings for sitting on the Toilet

I'm tired of running to the gas station to use the bathroom. The guy makes me buy a Gatorade every time - it's a vicious circle.

Leonard Hofstadter in The Big Bang Theory - Season 4 Episode 8

The government just decided: Every houshold hoarding more than 10 rolls of toilet paper is from now on regarded as a public toilet.

Corona-Jokes

Jim: "Yesterday, we had a meeting about planets."
Michael: "Jim, to be fair, the conversation wasn't about planets. We were talking about introducing a line of toilet paper. And what part of the human body does one use toilet paper upon?"

Michael Scott in The Office - Season 6 Episode 3

Did you come up with toilet buddy? It's a circular net you put inside the toilet to catch all of your change and your wallet from falling into the toilet.

Michael Scott in The Office - Season 5 Episode 19

One of his jinxes backfired, the toilet exploded and they found him lying unconscious in the wreckage covered from head to foot in -

Arthur Weasley in Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix

Harry: "A Regurgitating Toilet?"
Arthur: "Anti-Muggle pranksters. Muggles are pulling the flush and instead of everything disappearing - well, you can imagine. The poor things keep calling in those - those pumbles, I think they're called - you know, the ones who mend pipes and things."

Arthur Weasley in Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix

Muggles

Kiara: "They're gonna have Japanese toilets with towel warmers."
JJ: "Of course. Why wouldn't they?"
Kiara: "This used to be a turtle habitat, but who cares about the turtles, I guess?"
JJ: "I can't have cold towels."

JJ Maybank in Outer Banks - Season 1 Episode 1

Turtles

These are my poop shoes. That way no one knows it's me in the bathroom cause they don't see my shoes under the stall.

Sam Gardner in Atypical

Pooping

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Who takes a shit in the middle of a heist?

Spike Spiegel in Cowboy Bebop - Season 1 Episode 1

Pooping

I'm sick of the whole pooping thing... I'm gonna go get my butt cheeks pierced together.

Steve-O in Jackass

Ass Pooping

Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge?

Jerry Seinfeld

Dogs Pooping

Michael: "You will be thin. You won't drool over pizza like an animal anymore. You will find love."
Kevin: "Michael, I'm pretty much okay with who I am now."
Michael: "Don't be. You should never settle for who you are."

Michael Scott in The Office - Season 7 Episode 22

Holly and I are like Romeo and Juliet. And this office is like the dragon that kept them apart.

Michael Scott in The Office - Season 7 Episode 16

Romeo and Juliet

Yes, I can ride a bike. I take spinning classes three times a month. I think I know how to ride a bike. I had those extra wheels on the back that support you.

Michael Scott in The Office - Season 7 Episode 5

Pam: "Jim and I have never and will never have sex in the office."
Jim: "No, because the office isn't what I'd consider a romantic place."
Pam: "Besides, we have something those other people don't have, which is a home and a bed."
Jim: "And a shower."

Jim Halpert in The Office - Season 7 Episode 16

Shower

If I had a gun with two bullets and I was in a room with Hitler, bin Laden, and Toby - I would shoot Toby twice.

Michael Scott in The Office - Season 6 Episode 25

Toby Flenderson

You need somebody who understands your references. Who is Kafkaesque? I've never...- I don't know him.

Michael Scott in The Office - Season 6 Episode 9

Never trust anything that can think for itself if you can't see where it keeps its brain!

Arthur Weasley in Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets

Brain

"They run off eckeltricity, do they?" he said knowledgeably. "Ah yes, I can see the plugs. I collect plugs."

Arthur Weasley in Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire

"Make no mistake, we'll hear about it," added Lupin pleasantly.
"Yes," said Mr Weasley, "even if you won't let Harry use the fellytone."

Arthur Weasley in Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix

Vernon Dursley

You're the weak one. And you'll never know love, or friendship. And I feel sorry for you.

Harry James Potter in Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix

Voldemort / Tom Riddle

We've all got both light and dark inside of us. What matters is the part we choose to act on. That's who we really are.

Sirius Black in Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix

Morality

Ron: "One person couldn't feel all that. They'd explode."
Hermione: "Just because you've got the emotional range of a teaspoon doesn't mean we all have!"

Hermione Granger in Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix

Ron Weasley

That's the great thing about California, you can almost go to the mountains and almost go to the beach on the same day.

Leonard Hofstadter in The Big Bang Theory - Season 11 Episode 11

California

Leonard: "I can't believe you've never seen 'Raiders of the Lost Ark'."
Penny: "And I can't believe you've never read 'Eat, Pray, Love'."
Leonard: "When she comes out with 'Eat, Pray, Run away from a giant boulder', I'll read it."

Leonard Hofstadter in The Big Bang Theory - Season 4 Episode 8

Physics answers the question, "What is the nature of the universe?" Geology answers the question, "What'd I just trip over?"

Sheldon Cooper in The Big Bang Theory - Season 11 Episode 7

Physics

Marty: "Thanks for going to outer space, so no matter what I do, my mum will be disappointed in me."
Howard: "Well, I married a little catholic girl, so we're even."

Howard Wolowitz in The Big Bang Theory - Season 1 Episode 10

Crazy times we're living in. I used to cough to hide a fart, now I'm farting to hide a cough.

Corona-Jokes

I tested negative to Covid yesterday and positive today. No symptoms what so ever. Covid had the courage to challenge me. Bad idea.

Zlatan Ibrahimović - September 2020

Corona-Jokes

"I'll fix it up with Mum and Dad, then I'll call you. I know how to use a fellytone now."
"A telephone, Ron," said Hermione. "Honestly, you should take Muggle Studies next year."

Hermione Granger in Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban

Ron Weasley Muggles Telephones

Don't let the Muggles get you down!

Ron Weasley in Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban

Muggles

Stupid things have good outcomes all the time.

JJ Maybank in Outer Banks

You might end up in the lion's den, but you don't go there on purpose.

JJ Maybank in Outer Banks

The Outer Banks, paradise on earth. It's the sort of place where you either have two jobs or two houses.

John B in Outer Banks - Season 1 Episode 1

We're the Pogues and our mission this summer is to have a good time, all the time.

John B in Outer Banks - Season 1 Episode 1

Alan: "You can't stay here alone."
Jake: "Why not?"
Alan: "You know why not."
Jake: "But you don't have a turtle to put in the microwave anymore."

Jake Harper in Two and a half Men - Season 1 Episode 11

Turtles

If you ever meet a sea turtle, make sure to ask how old he is.

Nemo in Finding Nemo

Turtles

In the beginning of a jorney, no one knows what to expect. They might have a vague idea the road ahead could be rough. That's what makes new beginnings so exciting. You don't know what will happen until it's over.

Sam Gardner in Atypical - Season 4

Beginning

Beginnings can be painful. But that doesn't mean they're bad.

Sam Gardner in Atypical - Season 4

Beginning

Elsa: "This is where you can sit when we talk when I FaceTime you every night."
Sam: "Every night?"
Elsa: "I talked myself down from three times a day, so that is my best and final offer."

Elsa Gardner in Atypical - Season 4

Sometimes I wish I was normal, but nobody's normal.

Sam Gardner in Atypical

Leonard: "For God's sake, Sheldon, do I have to... hold up a sarcasm sign every time I open my mouth?"
Sheldon: "You have a sarcasm sign?"

Sheldon Cooper in The Big Bang Theory - Season 1 Episode 2

Sarcasm

Leonard: "You owe me another two dollars, the price of moo shu pork went up."
Howard: "It's getting tougher and tougher to be a bad Jew."

Howard Wolowitz in The Big Bang Theory - Season 2 Episode 14

Judaism Pigs

This physicist goes into an ice cream parlor every week and orders an ice cream sundae for himself, and then offers one to the empty stool sitting next to him. This goes on for a while until the owner finally asks him what he's doing. The man says, "Well, I'm a physicist, and quantum mechanics teaches us, that it is possible for the matter above this stool to spontaneously turn into a beautiful woman who might accept my offer and fall in love with me." The owner then says, "Lots of single, beautiful women come in here ever day. Buy an ice cream for one of them, and they might fall in love with you." And the physicist says, "Yeah, but what are the odds of that happening?!"

Penny in The Big Bang Theory - Season 2 Episode 19

Physics Quantum Mechanics

Raj: "Hey, look, I found an iPod!"
Howard: "Smashed beyond repair - what are you going to do with it?"
Raj: "What else? Sell it on ebay as 'slightly used'."

Rajesh Koothrappali in The Big Bang Theory - Season 1 Episode 17

eBay

Funny sayings for sitting on the Toilet

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