Quotes by Tim Allen

My mom said the only reason men are alive is for lawn care and vehicle maintenance.

You don't know what people are really like until they're under a lot of stress.

In my experience, it's all wonderful with girls until about 16. Around that time, boys kind of calm down and start focusing their testosterone. Girls get a little challenging, especially for fathers.

Electricity can be dangerous. My nephew tried to stick a penny into a plug. Whoever said a penny doesn't go far didn't see him shoot across that floor. I told him he was grounded.

Women are like cars: we all want a Ferrari, sometimes want a pickup truck, and end up with a station wagon.