Quotes from The Office (Page 3)

I'm like Mr. Miyagi and Yoda rolled into one.

Michael: "Stanley, how about that hot picture you have by your desk? The centerfold in the Catholic schoolgirl's outfit? I mean, it is hot, it is sexy, and it turns him on. I will admit, best part of my morning is staring at it."
Stanley: "That is my daughter. She goes to Catholic girl's school. I'm taking it down right now."

A guy goes to a $5 lady of the night and he gets crabs. So the next day, he goes back to complain. And the woman says, "Hey, it was only $5. What did you expect, lobster?"

There's no such thing as an appropriate joke - that's why it's a joke.

Toby is in HR, which technically means he works for corporate. So he's really not a part of our family. Also he's divorced, so he's really not a part of his family.

Please do not drink and drive... because you may hit a bump and spill the drink.

I mean, who's gonna give Kevin an award, Dunkin' Donuts?

I live by one rule: "No office romances". No way! Very messy, inappropriate. But I live by another rule: "Just do it" - Nike.

The purse girl hits everything on my checklist. Creamy skin, straight teeth, curly hair, amazing breasts... not for me, for my children - the Schrutes produce very thirsty babies.

Michael: "This is our warehouse, or, as I like to call it, the 'whoorehouse'. But don't you call it that. I've earned the right."
Ryan: "Fine. Don't worry about that."

This is so sad. This is the smallest amount of power I've ever seen go to someone's head.

One thing about deer, they have very good vision. One thing about me, I'm better at hiding than they are... at vision.

Everything Dwight does annoys me. And I spend hours thinking of ways to get back at him, but only in ways that would get me arrested.

I suggested we flip a coin, but Angela said she doesn't like to gamble. Of course, by saying that, she was gambling that I wouldn't smack her.

The main difference between me and Donald Trump is that I get no pleasure out of saying the words, "You're fired."

All right. Who did this? I'm not mad, I just want to know who did it, so I can punish them.

Schrute: "Never been sick. Perfect immune system."
Jim: "Well, if you've never been sick, then you don't have any antibodies."
Schrute: "I don't need them. Superior genes. I'm a Schrute."

I don't believe in coddling people. In the wild, there is no healthcare. In the wild, healthcare is: Ow, I hurt my leg. I can't run. A lion eats me. And I'm dead.
Well, I'm not dead. I'm the lion. You're dead.

Jim: "Last night on 'Trading Spouses', there's...- have you seen it?"
Pam: "No, I have a life."
Jim: "Interesting. What's that like?"

You'll notice I didn't have anybody be Arab. I thought that would be too explosive. No pun intended.

How come Chris Rock can do a routine, and everyone finds it hilarious and groundbreaking. Then I go and do the exact same routine, same comedic timing, and people file a complaint to corporate?

I'm a friend first and a boss second. Probably entertainer third.

This is from corporate. How many times have I told you that there's a special filing cabinet for things from corporate? It's called the wastepaper basket!

If I left, what would I do with all this useless information in my head? You know? Tonnage price of manila folders?

He put my stuff in Jell-O again! That's real professional. Thanks. This is the third time, and it wasn't funny the first two times either, Jim!

Heros of mine would be... Bob Hope. Abraham Lincoln, definitely. Bono. And probably God would be the fourth one. I just think all those people really helped the world in so many ways that it's really beyond words.

I don't think it would be the worst thing if they let me go. Because then I might...- I just, I don't think it's many little girls' dream to be a receptionist.

I love the American Southwest, for starters. You may call them Arizona, New Mexico, Nevada, Utah. I call them heaven.