I'm like Mr. Miyagi and Yoda rolled into one.Michael Scott in The Office, Season 2 Episode 4
Michael: "Stanley, how about that hot picture you have by your desk? The centerfold in the Catholic schoolgirl's outfit? I mean, it is hot, it is sexy, and it turns him on. I will admit, best part of my morning is staring at it."
Stanley: "That is my daughter. She goes to Catholic girl's school. I'm taking it down right now."
A guy goes to a $5 lady of the night and he gets crabs. So the next day, he goes back to complain. And the woman says, "Hey, it was only $5. What did you expect, lobster?"Michael Scott in The Office, Season 2 Episode 2
There's no such thing as an appropriate joke - that's why it's a joke.Michael Scott in The Office, Season 2 Episode 2
Toby is in HR, which technically means he works for corporate. So he's really not a part of our family. Also he's divorced, so he's really not a part of his family.Michael Scott in The Office, Season 2 Episode 2
Please do not drink and drive... because you may hit a bump and spill the drink.Michael Scott in The Office, Season 2 Episode 1
I mean, who's gonna give Kevin an award, Dunkin' Donuts?DonutsMichael Scott in The Office, Season 2 Episode 1
I live by one rule: "No office romances". No way! Very messy, inappropriate. But I live by another rule: "Just do it" - Nike.Michael Scott in The Office, Season 1 Episode 6
The purse girl hits everything on my checklist. Creamy skin, straight teeth, curly hair, amazing breasts... not for me, for my children - the Schrutes produce very thirsty babies.Dwight Schrute in The Office, Season 1 Episode 6
Michael: "This is our warehouse, or, as I like to call it, the 'whoorehouse'. But don't you call it that. I've earned the right."
Ryan: "Fine. Don't worry about that."
This is so sad. This is the smallest amount of power I've ever seen go to someone's head.Jim Halpert in The Office, Season 1 Episode 5
One thing about deer, they have very good vision. One thing about me, I'm better at hiding than they are... at vision.Dwight Schrute in The Office, Season 1 Episode 4
Everything Dwight does annoys me. And I spend hours thinking of ways to get back at him, but only in ways that would get me arrested.Jim Halpert in The Office, Season 1 Episode 4
I suggested we flip a coin, but Angela said she doesn't like to gamble. Of course, by saying that, she was gambling that I wouldn't smack her.Pam Beesly in The Office, Season 1 Episode 4
The main difference between me and Donald Trump is that I get no pleasure out of saying the words, "You're fired."Donald TrumpMichael Scott in The Office, Season 1 Episode 4
All right. Who did this? I'm not mad, I just want to know who did it, so I can punish them.Dwight Schrute in The Office, Season 1 Episode 3
Schrute: "Never been sick. Perfect immune system."
Jim: "Well, if you've never been sick, then you don't have any antibodies."
Schrute: "I don't need them. Superior genes. I'm a Schrute."
I don't believe in coddling people. In the wild, there is no healthcare. In the wild, healthcare is: Ow, I hurt my leg. I can't run. A lion eats me. And I'm dead.
Well, I'm not dead. I'm the lion. You're dead.
Jim: "Last night on 'Trading Spouses', there's...- have you seen it?"
Pam: "No, I have a life."
Jim: "Interesting. What's that like?"
You'll notice I didn't have anybody be Arab. I thought that would be too explosive. No pun intended.Michael Scott in The Office, Season 1 Episode 2
How come Chris Rock can do a routine, and everyone finds it hilarious and groundbreaking. Then I go and do the exact same routine, same comedic timing, and people file a complaint to corporate?Michael Scott in The Office, Season 1 Episode 2
I'm a friend first and a boss second. Probably entertainer third.Michael Scott in The Office, Season 1 Episode 1
This is from corporate. How many times have I told you that there's a special filing cabinet for things from corporate? It's called the wastepaper basket!Michael Scott in The Office, Season 1 Episode 1
If I left, what would I do with all this useless information in my head? You know? Tonnage price of manila folders?Jim Halpert in The Office, Season 1 Episode 1
He put my stuff in Jell-O again! That's real professional. Thanks. This is the third time, and it wasn't funny the first two times either, Jim!Dwight Schrute in The Office, Season 1 Episode 1
Heros of mine would be... Bob Hope. Abraham Lincoln, definitely. Bono. And probably God would be the fourth one. I just think all those people really helped the world in so many ways that it's really beyond words.Michael Scott in The Office, Season 1 Episode 1
I don't think it would be the worst thing if they let me go. Because then I might...- I just, I don't think it's many little girls' dream to be a receptionist.Pam Beesly in The Office, Season 1 Episode 1
I love the American Southwest, for starters. You may call them Arizona, New Mexico, Nevada, Utah. I call them heaven.Nevada, Arizona, New Mexico, UtahDeangelo Vickers in The Office, Season 7 Episode 20