Quotes from The Office (Page 2)

Pam: "The waiting list for adoptions is like eight months."
Michael: "Eight months? I don't even know if I want a baby in eight months."

Security in this office park is a joke. Last year I came to work with my spud gun in a duffel bag. I sat at my desk all day with a rifle that shoots potatoes at 60 pounds per square inch. Can you imagine if I was deranged?

I like the people I work with, generally. With four exceptions. But someone committed a crime. And I did not become a Lackawanna County Volunteer Sheriff's Deputy to make friends. And, by the way, I haven't.

Michael: "Why are you here? I didn't even invite you to my birthday party."
Toby: "I work here."

Angela: "No one cares about your birthday. Kevin's waiting to hear if he has skin cancer."
Michael: "That's terrible news for both of us."

Why tip someone for a job I'm capable of doing myself? I can deliver food. I can drive a taxi. I can and do cut my own hair. I did, however, tip my urologist, because I am unable to pulverize my own kidney stones.

If I knew I had a week to live, I would probably go to Europe. And South America. And the Grand Canyon. And I would want to see the Pacific Ocean. It would be a pretty busy week.

Michael: "I am like Superman. And the people who work here are like citizens of Gotham City."
Jim: "That's Batman."
Michael: "Okay, I'm Aquaman. Where does he live, guys?"
Jim: "The ocean."
MIchael: "I work with a bunch of nerds."

New York, New York. The city so nice, they named it twice. Manhatten is the other name.

In five years, I'd like to be five years sober... four and a half.

You may look around and see two groups here. White-collar, blue-collar. But I don't see it that way. You know why not? Because I am collar-blind.

Sounds like you're too sick to come into work but you're well enough to go to the pharmacy!

Michael: "How long does it take for you to do something simple? Every day, like - brush your teeth in the morning?"
Billy Merchant: "I don't know, like, 30 seconds?"
Michael: "Oh my God. That's three times as long as it takes me."

Michael: "Do you know what it's like to be disabled?"
Phyllis: "I had scoliosis as a girl."
Michael: "Never heard of it. No... a real disability, not a woman's trouble."

Michael: "If you like her so much, don't give up!"
Jim: "She's engaged."
Michael: "Pff... BFD. Engaged ain't married. Never, ever, ever give up."

I've got three cases of imported beer. Karaoke Maschine. And I didn't invite Michael. So three ingredients for a great party.

Last year, my performance review started with Michael asking me what my hopes and dreams were and it ended with him telling me he could benchpress 190 pounds. So I don't really know what to expect.

Dwight: "Forget everything you thought you knew about ab workouts."
Jim: "Done."

It's not really a date if the girl goes home to her fiancé. Right?

I come from a long line of fighters. My maternal grandfather was the toughest guy I ever knew. World War II veteran. Killed 20 men then spent the rest of the war in an allied prison camp. My father battled blood pressure and obesity all his life.

Shalax, Pam. Stop Pam-MSing!

Dwight: "Where is my desk? This is not funny. This is totally unprofessional."
Jim: "Okay. Well, you're the one who lost the desk."

Michael: "I have to let somebody go today. This is the hardest thing I've ever had to do."
Pam: "Why did you put it off until Halloween?"
Michael: "Because it's very scary stuff."

I'm like Mr. Miyagi and Yoda rolled into one.

Michael: "Stanley, how about that hot picture you have by your desk? The centerfold in the Catholic schoolgirl's outfit? I mean, it is hot, it is sexy, and it turns him on. I will admit, best part of my morning is staring at it."
Stanley: "That is my daughter. She goes to Catholic girl's school. I'm taking it down right now."

A guy goes to a $5 lady of the night and he gets crabs. So the next day, he goes back to complain. And the woman says, "Hey, it was only $5. What did you expect, lobster?"

There's no such thing as an appropriate joke - that's why it's a joke.

Toby is in HR, which technically means he works for corporate. So he's really not a part of our family. Also he's divorced, so he's really not a part of his family.

Please do not drink and drive... because you may hit a bump and spill the drink.

I mean, who's gonna give Kevin an award, Dunkin' Donuts?

I live by one rule: "No office romances". No way! Very messy, inappropriate. But I live by another rule: "Just do it" - Nike.

The purse girl hits everything on my checklist. Creamy skin, straight teeth, curly hair, amazing breasts... not for me, for my children - the Schrutes produce very thirsty babies.

Michael: "This is our warehouse, or, as I like to call it, the 'whoorehouse'. But don't you call it that. I've earned the right."
Ryan: "Fine. Don't worry about that."

This is so sad. This is the smallest amount of power I've ever seen go to someone's head.

One thing about deer, they have very good vision. One thing about me, I'm better at hiding than they are... at vision.

Everything Dwight does annoys me. And I spend hours thinking of ways to get back at him, but only in ways that would get me arrested.

I suggested we flip a coin, but Angela said she doesn't like to gamble. Of course, by saying that, she was gambling that I wouldn't smack her.

The main difference between me and Donald Trump is that I get no pleasure out of saying the words, "You're fired."

All right. Who did this? I'm not mad, I just want to know who did it, so I can punish them.

Schrute: "Never been sick. Perfect immune system."
Jim: "Well, if you've never been sick, then you don't have any antibodies."
Schrute: "I don't need them. Superior genes. I'm a Schrute."

I don't believe in coddling people. In the wild, there is no healthcare. In the wild, healthcare is: Ow, I hurt my leg. I can't run. A lion eats me. And I'm dead.
Well, I'm not dead. I'm the lion. You're dead.

Jim: "Last night on 'Trading Spouses', there's...- have you seen it?"
Pam: "No, I have a life."
Jim: "Interesting. What's that like?"

You'll notice I didn't have anybody be Arab. I thought that would be too explosive. No pun intended.

How come Chris Rock can do a routine, and everyone finds it hilarious and groundbreaking. Then I go and do the exact same routine, same comedic timing, and people file a complaint to corporate?

I'm a friend first and a boss second. Probably entertainer third.

This is from corporate. How many times have I told you that there's a special filing cabinet for things from corporate? It's called the wastepaper basket!

If I left, what would I do with all this useless information in my head? You know? Tonnage price of manila folders?

He put my stuff in Jell-O again! That's real professional. Thanks. This is the third time, and it wasn't funny the first two times either, Jim!

Heros of mine would be... Bob Hope. Abraham Lincoln, definitely. Bono. And probably God would be the fourth one. I just think all those people really helped the world in so many ways that it's really beyond words.

I don't think it would be the worst thing if they let me go. Because then I might...- I just, I don't think it's many little girls' dream to be a receptionist.