Quotes from The Office (Page 2)

There is a master key and a spare key for the office. Dwight has them both. When I asked, "what if you die, Dwight? How will we get into the office?"
He said, "if I'm dead, you guys have been dead for weeks."

If I'm not in my bath with a glass of red wine in one hour, you're both dead.

Michael: "Look, I could probably handle it, yes, but I think it would be good exercise for you guys to do it yourself."
Andy: "We won't let you down."
Michael: "You can't. Because I don't care."

Michael and Jan seem to be playing their own separate game and it's called "let's see how uncomfortable we can make our guests". And they're both winning.

Pam: "We got you this."
Michael: "Oh, vino."
Jan: "Oh, well, Pam, thank you. Tremendous. This will be great to cook with - really."

No! I hate it! I don't hate it. I just don't like it at all. And it's terrible.

When I was younger I always wanted to be an actor in commercials, then I realized I had a brain.

Dwight: "Second Life is not a game. It is a multi-user virtual environment. It doesn't have points or scores. It doesn't have winners of losers."
Jim: "Oh, it has losers."

Jim Halpert's off the market. Guess who just became the best looking single guy in the office.

I'm very fast. I'm like Forrest Gump... except I'm not an idiot.

Dwight is an obvious candidate for my job. He has the best sales record in the office. He loves the work. He is, however, an idiot.

A boss's salary isn't just about money. It is about perks. For example, every year, I get a $100 gas card. Can't put a price tag on that.

Moving out to the 'burbs. Actually, I'm moving further than the 'burbs. I'm moving to Colorado.

When I heard Jim and Pam had kissed, my reaction was to have lots of long talks with Jim about our feelings. Roy just attacked him. I'm not sure which one Jim hated more.

Wikipedia is the best thing ever. Anyone in the world can write anything they want about any subject. So you know you are getting the best possible information.

This may be the first time that a male subordinate has attempted to get a modest, scheduled raise by threatening to withhold sex from a female superior. It will be a groundbreaking case when it inevitably goes to trial.

Why did the convict had to be a black guy? It is such a stereotype. I just wish that Josh had made a more progressive choice, like a white guy who went to prison for polluting a black guy's lake.

Toby: "You may want these orientation materials."
Michael: "Wrong, Toby. This is an orientation, not a bore-ientation."

Michael: "No! For the guests, it is. For you, consider it cow meat. Strictly taboo."
Kelly: "I eat beef."
Michael: "Well, then consider it poisoned beef."

I'm always thinking one step ahead, like a... carpenter that... makes stairs.

I can't say I was a big fan of "Bowling For Columbine". Because I thought it was gonna be a bowling movie. Like "Kingpin". And it wasn't.

I have this old vacuum cleaner that's broken. If Dwight doesn't work out, maybe that could be manager.

Reject a woman and she will never let it go. One of the many defects of their kind. Also, weak arms.

Pam: "The waiting list for adoptions is like eight months."
Michael: "Eight months? I don't even know if I want a baby in eight months."

Security in this office park is a joke. Last year I came to work with my spud gun in a duffel bag. I sat at my desk all day with a rifle that shoots potatoes at 60 pounds per square inch. Can you imagine if I was deranged?

I like the people I work with, generally. With four exceptions. But someone committed a crime. And I did not become a Lackawanna County Volunteer Sheriff's Deputy to make friends. And, by the way, I haven't.

Michael: "Why are you here? I didn't even invite you to my birthday party."
Toby: "I work here."

Angela: "No one cares about your birthday. Kevin's waiting to hear if he has skin cancer."
Michael: "That's terrible news for both of us."

Why tip someone for a job I'm capable of doing myself? I can deliver food. I can drive a taxi. I can and do cut my own hair. I did, however, tip my urologist, because I am unable to pulverize my own kidney stones.

If I knew I had a week to live, I would probably go to Europe. And South America. And the Grand Canyon. And I would want to see the Pacific Ocean. It would be a pretty busy week.

Michael: "I am like Superman. And the people who work here are like citizens of Gotham City."
Jim: "That's Batman."
Michael: "Okay, I'm Aquaman. Where does he live, guys?"
Jim: "The ocean."
MIchael: "I work with a bunch of nerds."

New York, New York. The city so nice, they named it twice. Manhatten is the other name.

In five years, I'd like to be five years sober... four and a half.

You may look around and see two groups here. White-collar, blue-collar. But I don't see it that way. You know why not? Because I am collar-blind.

Sounds like you're too sick to come into work but you're well enough to go to the pharmacy!

Michael: "How long does it take for you to do something simple? Every day, like - brush your teeth in the morning?"
Billy Merchant: "I don't know, like, 30 seconds?"
Michael: "Oh my God. That's three times as long as it takes me."

Michael: "Do you know what it's like to be disabled?"
Phyllis: "I had scoliosis as a girl."
Michael: "Never heard of it. No... a real disability, not a woman's trouble."

Michael: "If you like her so much, don't give up!"
Jim: "She's engaged."
Michael: "Pff... BFD. Engaged ain't married. Never, ever, ever give up."

I've got three cases of imported beer. Karaoke Maschine. And I didn't invite Michael. So three ingredients for a great party.

Last year, my performance review started with Michael asking me what my hopes and dreams were and it ended with him telling me he could benchpress 190 pounds. So I don't really know what to expect.

Dwight: "Forget everything you thought you knew about ab workouts."
Jim: "Done."

It's not really a date if the girl goes home to her fiancé. Right?

I come from a long line of fighters. My maternal grandfather was the toughest guy I ever knew. World War II veteran. Killed 20 men then spent the rest of the war in an allied prison camp. My father battled blood pressure and obesity all his life.

Shalax, Pam. Stop Pam-MSing!

Dwight: "Where is my desk? This is not funny. This is totally unprofessional."
Jim: "Okay. Well, you're the one who lost the desk."

Michael: "I have to let somebody go today. This is the hardest thing I've ever had to do."
Pam: "Why did you put it off until Halloween?"
Michael: "Because it's very scary stuff."

I'm like Mr. Miyagi and Yoda rolled into one.

Michael: "Stanley, how about that hot picture you have by your desk? The centerfold in the Catholic schoolgirl's outfit? I mean, it is hot, it is sexy, and it turns him on. I will admit, best part of my morning is staring at it."
Stanley: "That is my daughter. She goes to Catholic girl's school. I'm taking it down right now."

A guy goes to a $5 lady of the night and he gets crabs. So the next day, he goes back to complain. And the woman says, "Hey, it was only $5. What did you expect, lobster?"

There's no such thing as an appropriate joke - that's why it's a joke.