Quotes from The Office

If I had a gun with two bullets and I was in a room with Hitler, bin Laden, and Toby - I would shoot Toby twice.

You need somebody who understands your references. Who is Kafkaesque? I've never...- I don't know him.

I feel weak today. I felt much stronger yesterday. Like Benjamin Button in reverse.

Schrutes don't celebrate birthdays, idiot. It started as a depression-era practicality, and then moved to an awesome tradition that I look forward to every year.

It's like I used to tell my wife: "I do not apologize unless I think I'm wrong. And if you don't like it, you can leave." And I say the same thing to my current wife. And I'll say it to my next one too.

Michael: "Inventory's at the end of December."
Pam: "We couldn't do it without you, so we postponed."
Michael: "Oh... I specifically went on vacation so I would miss it."

Karen Filippelli: "You can't give paperclips to a baby. He could swallow."
Creed Bratton: "Oh, it's okay. I've got tons of 'em."

My perfect Valentine's Day? I'm at home, three cell phones in front of me, fielding desperate calls from people who want to buy one of the 50 restaurant reservations I made over six months ago.

Pam: "Jim and I have never and will never have sex in the office."
Jim: "No, because the office isn't what I'd consider a romantic place."
Pam: "Besides, we have something those other people don't have, which is a home and a bed."
Jim: "And a shower."

Holly and I are like Romeo and Juliet. And this office is like the dragon that kept them apart.

Anybody can be Prince Charming one day a year with the dinner and the flowers and all that. But you know that impresses me? When a guy can do that no days a year.

Michael: "Excuse me, everyone... Sex! Now that I have your attention...-"
Stanley: "You don't have our attention."
Michael: "Money!"
Stanley: "I'm listening."
Kevin: "You had me at 'Sex'."

I am on the first hot sale streak of my life. I think it all comes from feeding CeCe, because no matter how much she resists, I sell her those carrots. Let's be honest - if I can make mushed carrots seem better than a boob... I can pretty much sell anything.

Yes, I can ride a bike. I take spinning classes three times a month. I think I know how to ride a bike. I had those extra wheels on the back that support you.

A horse is a bike that pedals itself.

How do I feel about losing the sale? It's like if Michael Phelps came out of retirement, jumped in the pool, belly-flopped and drowned.

Creed: "I've never seen herpes on you."
Meredith: "'Cause it's on my genitals, genius."
Kevin: "You have a p-nis?"

What did I say? I talk a lot, so I've learned to just tune myself out.

Jim: "What about and energy drink?"
Pam: "It gets in the breast milk. If I drink it, CeCe drinks it six hours later."
Jim: "It doesn't mean I can't drink it."
Pam: "Well, it does and it doesn't."

Michael: "I can't stop myself from kissing her."
Kevin: "Yeah, now you know how I feel sitting next to those M&Ms all day."

I would say I kind of have an unfair advantage because I watch reality dating shows like a hawk, and I learn. I absorb information from the strategies of the winners and the losers. Actually, I probably learn more from the losers.

It's not about who you've been with. It's about who you end up with. Sometimes the heart doesn't know what it wants until it finds what it wants.

Do you not answer emails anymore? Because I've emailed you four times asking you to come to my desk.

The way this place used to work was, make friends first, make sales second, make love third. In no particular order.

It is St. Patrick's Day and here in Scranton, that is a huge deal. It is the closest that the Irish will ever get to Christmas.

When Mary was denied a room at the inn, Jesus was born. When Michael was denied a room at the inn... we don't know what happens because that story hasn't been told yet.

Michael: "You use your brain too much."
Jim: "I'm sorry, are you advocating that I use it less?"
Michael: "Sometimes, the smartest people don't think at all."
Jim: "You just came up with that."
Michael: "As I was saying it."

Jim: "Yesterday, we had a meeting about planets."
Michael: "Jim, to be fair, the conversation wasn't about planets. We were talking about introducing a line of toilet paper. And what part of the human body does one use toilet paper upon?"

Michael: "I don't want you to ever lie to me. Have I ever lied to you?"
Pam: "Yeah."
Michael: "I just don't want you to."

I hate, hate, hate being left out. Whether it's not being picked for a team or being picked for a team and then showing up and realizing that the team doesn't exist. Or that the sport doesn't exist. I should have known. Poopball?

I have an appointment with the horse doctor. How that horse became a doctor, I don't know. Nah, I'm kdding. He's just a regular doctor who shoots your horse in the head when its leg is broken.

Bob: "Mind if I steal my wife?"
Dwight: "You can't steal what is legally your property."

Michael: "Phyllis did injure herself, but she injured herself having fun and I don't think she'd trade that memory for anything."
Stanley: "I would like the memory of a day uninterrupted by this nonsense."

I set the rules and you follow them. Blindly. Okay? And if you have a problem with that, then you can talk to our complaint department. It's a trash can.

You know, Apple Computer started in a garage. And we're starting in a condo. So we already have a leg up on Apple.

Pam: "Have you really thought this through? 'Cause it's a pretty big risk."
Michael: "This is a dream that I have had since lunch and I am not giving up on it now."

I had a great time at prom. And no one said "yes" to that, either.

Michael's like a movie on a plane. You know, it's not great, but it's something to watch.

Did you come up with toilet buddy? It's a circular net you put inside the toilet to catch all of your change and your wallet from falling into the toilet.

When you're a kid, you assume your parents are soul mates. My kids are gonna be right about that.

Kevin: "I would want to live with no legs."
Michael: "How about no arms? No arms and legs is basically how you exist right now, Kevin. You don't do anything."

An office is a place to live life to the fullest, to the max, to...- An office is a place where dreams come true.

Nobody should have to go to work thinking, "Oh, this is the place that I might die today." That's what a hospital is for. An office is for not dying.

Laughter is my job. Tears are my game. Law is my profession.

I do not like pregnant women in my workspace. They're always complaining. I have varicose veins too. I have swollen ankles. I'm constantly hungry. You think my nipples don't get sore too?

Jim: "Dwight, you've really never stolen any company time?"
Dwight: "Never."
Michael: "You are a thief of joy."

Holly is the best thing that has happened to this company since World War II.

There is a master key and a spare key for the office. Dwight has them both. When I asked, "what if you die, Dwight? How will we get into the office?"
He said, "if I'm dead, you guys have been dead for weeks."

If I'm not in my bath with a glass of red wine in one hour, you're both dead.

Michael: "Look, I could probably handle it, yes, but I think it would be good exercise for you guys to do it yourself."
Andy: "We won't let you down."
Michael: "You can't. Because I don't care."