Quotes from The Office

The best Series Quotes

You need somebody who understands your references. Who is Kafkaesque? I've never...- I don't know him.

Michael Scott in The Office, Season 6 Episode 9
 
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When Mary was denied a room at the inn, Jesus was born. When Michael was denied a room at the inn... we don't know what happens because that story hasn't been told yet.

Michael Scott in The Office, Season 6 Episode 4
 
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Michael: "You use your brain too much."
Jim: "I'm sorry, are you advocating that I use it less?"
Michael: "Sometimes, the smartest people don't think at all."
Jim: "You just came up with that."
Michael: "As I was saying it."

Michael Scott in The Office, Season 6 Episode 3
 
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Jim: "Yesterday, we had a meeting about planets."
Michael: "Jim, to be fair, the conversation wasn't about planets. We were talking about introducing a line of toilet paper. And what part of the human body does one use toilet paper upon?"

Michael Scott in The Office, Season 6 Episode 3
 
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Michael: "I don't want you to ever lie to me. Have I ever lied to you?"
Pam: "Yeah."
Michael: "I just don't want you to."

Michael Scott in The Office, Season 6 Episode 2
 
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I hate, hate, hate being left out. Whether it's not being picked for a team or being picked for a team and then showing up and realizing that the team doesn't exist. Or that the sport doesn't exist. I should have known. Poopball?

Michael Scott in The Office, Season 6 Episode 1
 
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I have an appointment with the horse doctor. How that horse became a doctor, I don't know. Nah, I'm kdding. He's just a regular doctor who shoots your horse in the head when its leg is broken.

Dwight Schrute in The Office, Season 5 Episode 28
 
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Bob: "Mind if I steal my wife?"
Dwight: "You can't steal what is legally your property."

Dwight Schrute in The Office, Season 5 Episode 27
 
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Michael: "Phyllis did injure herself, but she injured herself having fun and I don't think she'd trade that memory for anything."
Stanley: "I would like the memory of a day uninterrupted by this nonsense."

Stanley Hudson in The Office, Season 5 Episode 27
 
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I set the rules and you follow them. Blindly. Okay? And if you have a problem with that, then you can talk to our complaint department. It's a trash can.

Michael Scott in The Office, Season 5 Episode 26
 
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I feel weak today. I felt much stronger yesterday. Like Benjamin Button in reverse.

Michael Scott in The Office, Season 5 Episode 22
 
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You know, Apple Computer started in a garage. And we're starting in a condo. So we already have a leg up on Apple.

ApplePam Beesly in The Office, Season 5 Episode 22
 
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Pam: "Have you really thought this through? 'Cause it's a pretty big risk."
Michael: "This is a dream that I have had since lunch and I am not giving up on it now."

Michael Scott in The Office, Season 5 Episode 21
 
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I had a great time at prom. And no one said "yes" to that, either.

Michael Scott in The Office, Season 5 Episode 21
 
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Michael's like a movie on a plane. You know, it's not great, but it's something to watch.

Toby Flenderson in The Office, Season 5 Episode 21
 
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Did you come up with toilet buddy? It's a circular net you put inside the toilet to catch all of your change and your wallet from falling into the toilet.

Michael Scott in The Office, Season 5 Episode 19
 
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Schrutes don't celebrate birthdays, idiot. It started as a depression-era practicality, and then moved to an awesome tradition that I look forward to every year.

Dwight Schrute in The Office, Season 5 Episode 17
 
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When you're a kid, you assume your parents are soul mates. My kids are gonna be right about that.

Pam Beesly in The Office, Season 5 Episode 15
 
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Kevin: "I would want to live with no legs."
Michael: "How about no arms? No arms and legs is basically how you exist right now, Kevin. You don't do anything."

Michael Scott in The Office, Season 5 Episode 14
 
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An office is a place to live life to the fullest, to the max, to...- An office is a place where dreams come true.

OfficesMichael Scott in The Office, Season 5 Episode 14
 
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Nobody should have to go to work thinking, "Oh, this is the place that I might die today." That's what a hospital is for. An office is for not dying.

Michael Scott in The Office, Season 5 Episode 14
 
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Laughter is my job. Tears are my game. Law is my profession.

Michael Scott in The Office, Season 5 Episode 13
 
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I do not like pregnant women in my workspace. They're always complaining. I have varicose veins too. I have swollen ankles. I'm constantly hungry. You think my nipples don't get sore too?

Stanley Hudson in The Office, Season 5 Episode 4
 
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Jim: "Dwight, you've really never stolen any company time?"
Dwight: "Never."
Michael: "You are a thief of joy."

Michael Scott in The Office, Season 5 Episode 3
 
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Holly is the best thing that has happened to this company since World War II.

Michael Scott in The Office, Season 4 Episode 14
 
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It's like I used to tell my wife: "I do not apologize unless I think I'm wrong. And if you don't like it, you can leave." And I say the same thing to my current wife. And I'll say it to my next one too.

Stanley Hudson in The Office, Season 4 Episode 12
 
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There is a master key and a spare key for the office. Dwight has them both. When I asked, "what if you die, Dwight? How will we get into the office?"
He said, "if I'm dead, you guys have been dead for weeks."

Pam Beesly in The Office, Season 4 Episode 11
 
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If I'm not in my bath with a glass of red wine in one hour, you're both dead.

Stanley Hudson in The Office, Season 4 Episode 11
 
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Michael: "Look, I could probably handle it, yes, but I think it would be good exercise for you guys to do it yourself."
Andy: "We won't let you down."
Michael: "You can't. Because I don't care."

Michael Scott in The Office, Season 4 Episode 10
 
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Michael and Jan seem to be playing their own separate game and it's called "let's see how uncomfortable we can make our guests". And they're both winning.

Jim Halpert in The Office, Season 4 Episode 9
 
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Pam: "We got you this."
Michael: "Oh, vino."
Jan: "Oh, well, Pam, thank you. Tremendous. This will be great to cook with - really."

Jan Levinson in The Office, Season 4 Episode 9
 
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No! I hate it! I don't hate it. I just don't like it at all. And it's terrible.

Michael Scott in The Office, Season 5 Episode 4
 
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When I was younger I always wanted to be an actor in commercials, then I realized I had a brain.

Advertising & MarketingOscar Martinez in The Office, Season 4 Episode 5
 
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Dwight: "Second Life is not a game. It is a multi-user virtual environment. It doesn't have points or scores. It doesn't have winners of losers."
Jim: "Oh, it has losers."

Jim Halpert in The Office, Season 4 Episode 5
 
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Jim Halpert's off the market. Guess who just became the best looking single guy in the office.

Andy Bernard in The Office, Season 4 Episode 2
 
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I'm very fast. I'm like Forrest Gump... except I'm not an idiot.

Michael Scott in The Office, Season 4 Episode 1
 
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Dwight is an obvious candidate for my job. He has the best sales record in the office. He loves the work. He is, however, an idiot.

Michael Scott in The Office, Season 3 Episode 22
 
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A boss's salary isn't just about money. It is about perks. For example, every year, I get a $100 gas card. Can't put a price tag on that.

Michael Scott in The Office, Season 3 Episode 18
 
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When I heard Jim and Pam had kissed, my reaction was to have lots of long talks with Jim about our feelings. Roy just attacked him. I'm not sure which one Jim hated more.

Karen Filippelli in The Office, Season 3 Episode 18
 
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Wikipedia is the best thing ever. Anyone in the world can write anything they want about any subject. So you know you are getting the best possible information.

WikipediaMichael Scott in The Office, Season 3 Episode 18
 
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This may be the first time that a male subordinate has attempted to get a modest, scheduled raise by threatening to withhold sex from a female superior. It will be a groundbreaking case when it inevitably goes to trial.

Toby Flenderson in The Office, Season 3 Episode 18
 
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Michael: "Inventory's at the end of December."
Pam: "We couldn't do it without you, so we postponed."
Michael: "Oh... I specifically went on vacation so I would miss it."

Michael Scott in The Office, Season 3 Episode 11
 
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Karen Filippelli: "You can't give paperclips to a baby. He could swallow."
Creed Bratton: "Oh, it's okay. I've got tons of 'em."

Creed Bratton in The Office, Season 3 Episode 9
 
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Why did the convict had to be a black guy? It is such a stereotype. I just wish that Josh had made a more progressive choice, like a white guy who went to prison for polluting a black guy's lake.

Michael Scott in The Office, Season 3 Episode 9
 
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Toby: "You may want these orientation materials."
Michael: "Wrong, Toby. This is an orientation, not a bore-ientation."

Michael Scott in The Office, Season 3 Episode 8
 
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Michael: "No! For the guests, it is. For you, consider it cow meat. Strictly taboo."
Kelly: "I eat beef."
Michael: "Well, then consider it poisoned beef."

Michael Scott in The Office, Season 3 Episode 8
 
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I'm always thinking one step ahead, like a... carpenter that... makes stairs.

Andy Bernard in The Office, Season 3 Episode 8
 
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I can't say I was a big fan of "Bowling For Columbine". Because I thought it was gonna be a bowling movie. Like "Kingpin". And it wasn't.

Michael Scott in The Office, Season 3 Episode 7
 
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I have this old vacuum cleaner that's broken. If Dwight doesn't work out, maybe that could be manager.

Pam Beesly in The Office, Season 3 Episode 3
 
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Reject a woman and she will never let it go. One of the many defects of their kind. Also, weak arms.

Dwight Schrute in The Office, Season 3 Episode 3
 
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