The best Quotes from The Office

Pam: "Jim and I have never and will never have sex in the office."
Jim: "No, because the office isn't what I'd consider a romantic place."
Pam: "Besides, we have something those other people don't have, which is a home and a bed."
Jim: "And a shower."

Jim Halpert - Season 7 Episode 16

Shower

If I had a gun with two bullets and I was in a room with Hitler, bin Laden, and Toby - I would shoot Toby twice.

Michael Scott - Season 6 Episode 25

Toby Flenderson

You need somebody who understands your references. Who is Kafkaesque? I've never...- I don't know him.

Michael Scott - Season 6 Episode 9

I feel weak today. I felt much stronger yesterday. Like Benjamin Button in reverse.

Michael Scott - Season 5 Episode 22

The Curious Case of Benjamin Button

Schrutes don't celebrate birthdays, idiot. It started as a depression-era practicality, and then moved to an awesome tradition that I look forward to every year.

Dwight Schrute - Season 5 Episode 17

Birthday

It's like I used to tell my wife: "I do not apologize unless I think I'm wrong. And if you don't like it, you can leave." And I say the same thing to my current wife. And I'll say it to my next one too.

Stanley Hudson - Season 4 Episode 12

Apologize

Michael: "Inventory's at the end of December."
Pam: "We couldn't do it without you, so we postponed."
Michael: "Oh... I specifically went on vacation so I would miss it."

Michael Scott - Season 3 Episode 11

Karen Filippelli: "You can't give paperclips to a baby. He could swallow."
Creed Bratton: "Oh, it's okay. I've got tons of 'em."

Creed Bratton - Season 3 Episode 9

I'd rather she be alone than with somebody. Is that love?

Ryan Howard

Kelly Kapoor

Florida is America's bas*ment: it's wet, it's filled with mold, strange insects, alligators.

Robert California - Season 8 Episode 11

Florida

I'm not going to tell my nine-months-pregnant wife that I find her replacement objectively attractive. Just like I'm not going to tell my two-year-old daughter that violent video games are objectively more fun. It's true, but it doesn't help anybody.

Jim Halpert - Season 8 Episode 7

What's the problem? Grunting is scientifically proven to add more power. Ask any female tennis player, or her husband.

Dwight Schrute - Season 8 Episode 3

There are plenty of people who love touching me. I'm a terrific hugger. I've been with a bunch of girls where that's basically all they wanna do.

Gabe Lewis - Season 7 Episode 26

Hugs

I wish there was a way to know you're in the good old days before you've actually left them.

Andy Bernard

Michael: "You will be thin. You won't drool over pizza like an animal anymore. You will find love."
Kevin: "Michael, I'm pretty much okay with who I am now."
Michael: "Don't be. You should never settle for who you are."

Michael Scott - Season 7 Episode 22

What's the argument here? NBA. WNBA. One is a sport, one is a joke. I love sports, I love jokes. Room for all.

Dwight Schrute - Season 7 Episode 23

Women's Sports

My perfect Valentine's Day? I'm at home, three cell phones in front of me, fielding desperate calls from people who want to buy one of the 50 restaurant reservations I made over six months ago.

Dwight Schrute - Season 7 Episode 16

Valentine's Day Restaurants

Holly and I are like Romeo and Juliet. And this office is like the dragon that kept them apart.

Michael Scott - Season 7 Episode 16

Romeo and Juliet

Anybody can be Prince Charming one day a year with the dinner and the flowers and all that. But you know that impresses me? When a guy can do that no days a year.

Ryan Howard - Season 7 Episode 16

Michael: "Excuse me, everyone... Sex! Now that I have your attention...-"
Stanley: "You don't have our attention."
Michael: "Money!"
Stanley: "I'm listening."
Kevin: "You had me at 'Sex'."

Kevin Malone - Season 7 Episode 9

I am on the first hot sale streak of my life. I think it all comes from feeding CeCe, because no matter how much she resists, I sell her those carrots. Let's be honest - if I can make mushed carrots seem better than a boob... I can pretty much sell anything.

Jim Halpert - Season 7 Episode 9

Yes, I can ride a bike. I take spinning classes three times a month. I think I know how to ride a bike. I had those extra wheels on the back that support you.

Michael Scott - Season 7 Episode 5

A horse is a bike that pedals itself.

Dwight Schrute - Season 7 Episode 5

Horses Bicycles

How do I feel about losing the sale? It's like if Michael Phelps came out of retirement, jumped in the pool, belly-flopped and drowned.

Michael Scott - Season 7 Episode 5

Michael Phelps

Creed: "I've never seen herpes on you."
Meredith: "'Cause it's on my genitals, genius."
Kevin: "You have a p-nis?"

Kevin Malone - Season 7 Episode 4

What did I say? I talk a lot, so I've learned to just tune myself out.

Kelly Kapoor - Season 7 Episode 2

Jim: "What about and energy drink?"
Pam: "It gets in the breast milk. If I drink it, CeCe drinks it six hours later."
Jim: "It doesn't mean I can't drink it."
Pam: "Well, it does and it doesn't."

Pam Beesly - Season 6 Episode 25

Michael: "I can't stop myself from kissing her."
Kevin: "Yeah, now you know how I feel sitting next to those M&Ms all day."

Kevin Malone - Season 6 Episode 23

I would say I kind of have an unfair advantage because I watch reality dating shows like a hawk, and I learn. I absorb information from the strategies of the winners and the losers. Actually, I probably learn more from the losers.

Michael Scott - Season 6 Episode 21

It's not about who you've been with. It's about who you end up with. Sometimes the heart doesn't know what it wants until it finds what it wants.

Pam Beesly - Season 6 Episode 22

Do you not answer emails anymore? Because I've emailed you four times asking you to come to my desk.

Angela Martin - Season 6 Episode 20

The way this place used to work was, make friends first, make sales second, make love third. In no particular order.

Michael Scott - Season 6 Episode 20

It is St. Patrick's Day and here in Scranton, that is a huge deal. It is the closest that the Irish will ever get to Christmas.

Michael Scott - Season 6 Episode 19

St. Patrick's Day

When Mary was denied a room at the inn, Jesus was born. When Michael was denied a room at the inn... we don't know what happens because that story hasn't been told yet.

Michael Scott - Season 6 Episode 4

Michael: "You use your brain too much."
Jim: "I'm sorry, are you advocating that I use it less?"
Michael: "Sometimes, the smartest people don't think at all."
Jim: "You just came up with that."
Michael: "As I was saying it."

Michael Scott - Season 6 Episode 3

Jim: "Yesterday, we had a meeting about planets."
Michael: "Jim, to be fair, the conversation wasn't about planets. We were talking about introducing a line of toilet paper. And what part of the human body does one use toilet paper upon?"

Michael Scott - Season 6 Episode 3

Toilet

Michael: "I don't want you to ever lie to me. Have I ever lied to you?"
Pam: "Yeah."
Michael: "I just don't want you to."

Michael Scott - Season 6 Episode 2

I hate, hate, hate being left out. Whether it's not being picked for a team or being picked for a team and then showing up and realizing that the team doesn't exist. Or that the sport doesn't exist. I should have known. Poopball?

Michael Scott - Season 6 Episode 1

I have an appointment with the horse doctor. How that horse became a doctor, I don't know. Nah, I'm kdding. He's just a regular doctor who shoots your horse in the head when its leg is broken.

Dwight Schrute - Season 5 Episode 28

Bob: "Mind if I steal my wife?"
Dwight: "You can't steal what is legally your property."

Dwight Schrute - Season 5 Episode 27

Michael: "Phyllis did injure herself, but she injured herself having fun and I don't think she'd trade that memory for anything."
Stanley: "I would like the memory of a day uninterrupted by this nonsense."

Stanley Hudson - Season 5 Episode 27

I set the rules and you follow them. Blindly. Okay? And if you have a problem with that, then you can talk to our complaint department. It's a trash can.

Michael Scott - Season 5 Episode 26

Trash & Garbage

You know, Apple Computer started in a garage. And we're starting in a condo. So we already have a leg up on Apple.

Pam Beesly - Season 5 Episode 22

Apple

Pam: "Have you really thought this through? 'Cause it's a pretty big risk."
Michael: "This is a dream that I have had since lunch and I am not giving up on it now."

Michael Scott - Season 5 Episode 21

I had a great time at prom. And no one said "yes" to that, either.

Michael Scott - Season 5 Episode 21

Michael's like a movie on a plane. You know, it's not great, but it's something to watch.

Toby Flenderson - Season 5 Episode 21

Airplanes

Did you come up with toilet buddy? It's a circular net you put inside the toilet to catch all of your change and your wallet from falling into the toilet.

Michael Scott - Season 5 Episode 19

Toilet

When you're a kid, you assume your parents are soul mates. My kids are gonna be right about that.

Pam Beesly - Season 5 Episode 15

Kevin: "I would want to live with no legs."
Michael: "How about no arms? No arms and legs is basically how you exist right now, Kevin. You don't do anything."

Michael Scott - Season 5 Episode 14

An office is a place to live life to the fullest, to the max, to...- An office is a place where dreams come true.

Michael Scott - Season 5 Episode 14

Offices

Quotes about The Office

I'm comin with some different shit
And these offices all about my paper, that's that Dunder Mifflin shit

Joe Budden - On My Grind, Album: Halfway House

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Nobody should have to go to work thinking, "Oh, this is the place that I might die today." That's what a hospital is for. An office is for not dying.

Michael Scott - Season 5 Episode 14

Hospitals

Reject a woman and she will never let it go. One of the many defects of their kind. Also, weak arms.

Dwight Schrute - Season 3 Episode 3

A Christian telling an atheist they're going to hell is as scary as a child telling an adult they're not getting any presents from Santa.

Ricky Gervais

Atheism Santa Claus Hölle

I think at this point in my life, I'd like to play more good guys than bad guys.

Timothy Olyphant

There is a master key and a spare key for the office. Dwight has them both. When I asked, "what if you die, Dwight? How will we get into the office?"
He said, "if I'm dead, you guys have been dead for weeks."

Pam Beesly - Season 4 Episode 11

The best Quotes from The Office

Quotes about The Office

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