Quotes from The Muppet Show

Statler: "Mit den Jahren gefällt mir die Show immer besser."
Waldorf: "Weil die Witze immer besser werden?"
Statler: "Nein, weil mein Gehör immer schlechter wird!"

Statler: "Do you think this show is educational?"
Waldorf: "Yes. It'll drive people to read books."

Waldorf: "Statler isn't here tonight, Kermit. He's sick."
Kermit: "Oh, that's too bad. The flu?"
Waldorf: "No, the show. He's sick of it."

Waldorf: "Just when you think the show is terrible, something wonderful happens."
Statler: "What?"
Waldorf: "It ends."

Statler: "I know what is wrong, with this show, it's the theater."
Waldorf: "What's wrong with it?"
Statler: "The seats face the stage."

Nurse Piggy: "It's too late, Dr. Bob. We've lost him."
Doctor Bob: "Well, he couldn't have gone so far. He was under the sheet just a second ago."

Waldorf: "How should we know how to get to Sesame Street?"
Statler: "We don't even know how to get out of this stupid theater box!"

Waldorf: "Well, this has been an evening to remember."
Statler: "Why?"
Waldorf: "I forgot."

Waldorf: "Do you think there's life in outer space?"
Statler: "There's certainly none in this theater."

Changes happen as time passes by. Soon enough, you'll be grown.

Statler: "Are you ready for the end of the world?"
Waldorf: "Sure! It couldn't be any worse than this show."

You are what you eat, which I guess makes me part mosquito.

Listen everybody, we've got nothing to be ashamed of. And you know why? Well because, thanks to Walter here we tried. And if we failed, we failed together and to me that's not failing at all.

Statler: "If I didn't know any better, I'd say you were reciting some sort of important plot point."
Waldorf: "I hope so. Otherwise I would've bored half the audience half to death."
Statler: "You mean half the audience is still alive?"

I've got a dream too, but it's about singing and dancing and making people happy. That's the kind of dream that gets better the more people you share it with.

Bert: "Ernie... did I make a complete fool of myself?"
Ernie: "Absolutely, Bert."

Just because you haven't found your talent yet, doesn't mean you don't have one.

Today me will live in the moment, unless it's unpleasant in which case me will eat a cookie.

Statler: "Is this movie in 3D?"
Waldorf: "Nope! The Muppets are as one-dimensional as they've always been."

Waldorf: "Pay up, they made it through another one."
Statler: "Double or nothing on next week's show?"
Waldorf: "You're on."

Rico Rodriguez: "Are you one of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles?"
Kermit: "Yes I am!"

Statler: "I liked that last number."
Waldorf: "What did you like about it?"
Statler: "It was the LAST number."

Statler: "He was doing okay until he fell off the stage."
Waldorf: "Wrong. He was doing okay until he came on the stage."

Waldorf: "Yeah, whadya think?"
Statler: "Beats sitting home watching television."

Gonzo: "Hey, Kermit, are you busy?"
Kermit: "Yes, Gonzo, but I can give you my ear for a minute."
Gonzo: "What would I do with your ear?"
Kermit: "Van Gogh impressions."

Sometimes me think, "What is a friend?" And then me say, "a friend is someone to share the last cookie with."

Milton Berle: "You're the two guys that I heard about that heckle from the box, huh? There they are ladies and gentlemen. Take a good look at them. Starski & Crutch. Now don't start with me boys, don't start."
Statler: "Hey, Berle."
Milton Berle: "What?"
Statler: "You know what? I've just figured out your style."
Milton Berle: "Really?"
Statler: "You work like Gregory Peck."
Milton Berle: "Gregory Peck's not a comedian."
Statler: "Well?"
Milton Berle: "Now just a minute, please. I have been a successful comedian half of my life."
Waldorf: "How come we got this half?"
Milton Berle: "Look, did you two come in here to be entertained or not?"
Statler: "That's right."
Milton Berle: "What's right?"
Statler: "We came in here to be entertained, and we're not!"
Milton Berle: "Oh, yeah? I'd like to see you come down here and be funny."
Waldorf: "You first!"
Milton Berle: "Don't pay any attention to him, folks. He's the ninth child of a family of eight! Let me tell the story."
Statler: "Hey, hey, Berle!"
Milton Berle: "Ohhh... Yeah, what is it? What is it?"
Statler: "You know what you're doing wrong?"
Milton Berle: "What'm I doing wrong?"
Statler: "You're standing too close to the audience."
Milton Berle: "Oh, yeah? How is this?"
Statler: "You're still too close."
Milton Berle: "Oh, sorry. Is this okay?"
Statler: "No, a little more."
Milton Berle: "How far back do you want me to go?"
Statler: "You got a car?"
Milton Berle: "Let me tell you something: If you don't stop, I'll have the usher throw you out!"
Waldorf: "He can't. He's too busy."
Milton Berle: "Doing what?"
Waldorf: "Keeping people in!"
Milton Berle: "And you're encouraging them! That's what you're doing! You know, I got a good mind to punch you in your nose."
Waldorf: "Please, not while I'm holding it."
Milton Berle: "That's very funny."
Waldorf: "Ah, you can use it."
Milton Berle: "I don't need your material, pal. I got a million funny lines in the back of my head."
Statler: "Yeah? How come they never reach your mouth?"