The best Quotes by The Handler

War. Such a fascinating concept. A temporary salve for a permanent human flaw.

Five: "Help me with this crossword puzzle. I need a five letter word for 'disappointment'."
Diego: "Klaus."
Five: "It fits."

Therapist: "You need to stop doing these weird things. Go out sometime."
Klaus: "I went to the park today."
Therapist: "There you go! I hope you got something from that."
Klaus: "[Opens up coat] This duck."

You don't get to blame your problems on anyone but yourself.

When something seems too perfect, it's usually anything but.

I'd ask what you're up to, Klaus, but then it occurred to me: I don't care.

We didn't choose this life, we're just living in it.

Don't go chasing waterfalls. Stick to the rivers and the lakes that you're used to.

"Everybody else can see Ben, right?"
"Yeah, and he's a complete d-ckhead."

I think maybe you're the only person who really knows who I am and still likes me anyway.

Where has it gotten me? Nowhere. I can't talk to the person I love. People still don't take me seriously. I wanna be numb again.

The only thing The Umbrella Academy knows about love is how to screw it up.

If you don't make it back, there's one thing that I need to tell you...

We all wanted to be loved by a man incapable of giving love.

Lip: "Hey, whoa. You really think they deserve your hard-earned money for that service?"
Frank: "Dine and dash?"
Lip: "Bite and bolt."
Frank: "Eat it and beat it?"

What can I say, once you go white, you always stay tight. Hey, I think I just insulted myself.

Frank: "What did they get you for again?"
"Beat my ex-wife to death with a telephone."
Frank': "Cordless or landline?"

Been sleeping in this car six years. Pissed, puked, jizzed in it. By law of bodily fluids, it's mine.