Quotes from The Completely Made-Up Adventures of Dick Turpin

Dick: "We're just as tough as any other gang in here."
Karen: "Here's your peppermint tea, Dick. I put a splash of honey in it, I know you got a scratchy throat."

Season 1

I'm new school, and there's gonna be less violence on my watch. Is there anything that I could've done to improve your highway robbery experience?

Dick Turpin - Season 1

Quick note to my gang. If you were planning a rescue, now would be a good time.

Dick Turpin - Season 1

"One day, I'll be the most famous highwayman in all of England!"
"You are literally about to be hanged, you idiot!"

Season 1

I want this Dick in my hands as soon as possible.

Season 1

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If you start deporting every shady looking guy with questionable tattoos, who's gonna go to Jets games?

Jordan Klepper in The Daily Show

New York Jets

One downside of our big brains is we're the only creatures who are aware that death is inevitable. Although, if you lined ten dogs in a row and shot them one by one, the dog on the end would probably get the gist by about dog four.

Philomena Cunk in Cunk On Life - Episode 1

Brain

Cells couldn't multiply without this, the IKEA instruction manual for life, DNA. DNA is tiny yet comlex, like Tom Cruise.

Philomena Cunk in Cunk On Life - Episode 1

Tom Cruise

Knowledge is a paradox. The more one understands, the more one realizes the vastness of his ignorance.

Viktor, the Machine Herald in Arcane - Season 2 Episode 6

Knowledge

When you lose everything, that's when you're finally free.

Star Wars: The Acolyte - Season 1 Episode 6

Loss

We're not defined by what we los. We're defined by what we survive.

Jecki Lon in Star Wars: The Acolyte - Season 1 Episode 4

Loss

They're exhausting to inflate, they scare the shit out of you when they pop, and uninflated they just look like a pile of clown-condoms.

John Oliver in Last Week Tonight - Boeing

Balloons

This isn't about good or bad. This is about power. And who is allowed to use it.

Star Wars: The Acolyte - Season 1

Lip: "Hey, whoa. You really think they deserve your hard-earned money for that service?"
Frank: "Dine and dash?"
Lip: "Bite and bolt."
Frank: "Eat it and beat it?"

Shameless - Season 3 Episode 12

Restaurants

What can I say, once you go white, you always stay tight. Hey, I think I just insulted myself.

Kevin Ball in Shameless - Season 3 Episode 12

Frank: "What did they get you for again?"
"Beat my ex-wife to death with a telephone."
Frank': "Cordless or landline?"

Frank Gallagher in Shameless - Season 3 Episode 12

Been sleeping in this car six years. Pissed, puked, jizzed in it. By law of bodily fluids, it's mine.

Shameless - Season 3 Episode 11

I have red hair, freckles and crooked teeth. I don't need any more character!

Debbie Gallagher in Shameless - Season 3 Episode 10

Ginger / Redhairs

Debs, we need at least one person in this family to not turn cynical, and my money's been on you.

Phillip Gallagher in Shameless - Season 3 Episode 10

Debbie Gallagher

I don't go onto Facebook because I don't give a shit about whose pet just died or who just checked in at the f*cking McDonald's.

Phillip Gallagher in Shameless - Season 3 Episode 9

Facebook

I'm sorry, but no one speaking English as a first language should be doing this job.

Jimmy Lishman in Shameless - Season 3 Episode 8

Seriosly, I don't mean to be an asshole, it's just... genetic.

Fiona Gallagher in Shameless - Season 3 Episode 6

I kind of have no choice. I gotta find Frank. Get him sober and ready to appear in court. He's like my sad-ass Obi-Wan Kenobi.

Fiona Gallagher in Shameless - Season 3 Episode 6

Frank Gallagher Obi-Wan Kenobi

Lanier: "Your body is a temple, Carl, and you only want to put things in it that are natural."
Carl: "Like fists? I saw it in that movie."

Carl Gallagher in Shameless - Season 3 Episode 6

You're like a f*cking cockroach, able to live anywhere and feed off anything.

Ian Gallagher in Shameless - Season 3 Episode 6

Phillip Gallagher

Kate: "Fishing? Gonna use your tiny dick as a worm?"
Frank: "I've caught some big whales with this little worm. Yourself included there, Moby."

Frank Gallagher in Shameless - Season 3 Episode 6

You get along a lot better with a weapon and a kind word than a kind word alone.

Frank Gallagher in Shameless - Season 3 Episode 2

Weapons

Too many Gallaghers in the world already. Instead of passing rubbers out at your school, they should be passing them out at your house.

Kevin Ball in Shameless - Season 2 Episode 10

Teenagers. They're hormon-soaked brains aren't wired to think about anyone other than themselves.

Veronica Fisher in Shameless - Season 2 Episode 6

Teenagers

Ethel: "One day the entire family will be reunited in the Garden of Eden."
"Oh, like heaven?"
Ethel: "No, it's in Missouri."
"Oh. Eden's got a lot of methheads."

Shameless - Season 2 Episode 5

Missouri

That's the Gallagher sperm. Ambitious, relentless. Everything we're not once we're born. Like heat-seeking, baby-making missiles. Won't be long before the country's nothing but Mexicans and Gallaghers.

Frank Gallagher in Shameless - Season 2 Episode 5

Frank: "Why you gotta be such an asshole?"
Lip: "Apple fell where you dropped it."

Phillip Gallagher in Shameless - Season 2 Episode 4

Vaginas

V: "You always pick p*ssies!"
Fiona: "Well, they are what they eat."

Fiona Gallagher in Shameless - Season 2 Episode 4

Vaginas

I'm gonna beat you like a piñata till candy flies out of your ass!

Lucy Joe Heisner in Shameless - Season 2 Episode 4

Funny Threats

Clare: "Thank you. God loves you."
Veronica: "Yeah, if that were true, he'd have made me white and rich."

Veronica Fisher in Shameless - Season 2 Episode 2

Every day you wake up breathing, you should be coloring me a note of gratitude that the half of you that came from me wasn't spooged on your mother's neck, but instead was guided by yours truly to get up inside of her to start the life of you.

Frank Gallagher in Shameless - Season 2 Episode 2

Carl Gallagher

Frank: "It's not sex if you can't remember it."
Kev: "Ha. Then you're a virgin, Frank."

Kevin Ball in Shameless - Season 2 Episode 2

Frank Gallagher

Lip: "You really wanna get your ass shot off in some 'stan somewhere?"
Ian: "'Stan?"
Lip: "Yeah, Pakistan, Afghanistan, Iraqistan."

Phillip Gallagher in Shameless - Season 2 Episode 1

You just made my boy parts get bigger.

Kevin Ball in Shameless - Season 1 Episode 11

Sheila: "Now, by sifting we separate and aerate those flour particles to make them absorb liquids better."
Deb: "Someone should sift my dad."

Debbie Gallagher in Shameless - Season 1 Episode 9

Frank Gallagher

Frank doesn't have friends, only people he hasn't pissed off yet.

Fiona Gallagher in Shameless - Season 1 Episode 7

Frank Gallagher

Karen: "Why do we help people we hate?"
Lip: "I believe we're just taking our cue from American foreign policy."

Phillip Gallagher in Shameless - Season 1 Episode 6

I am fed up with these pan-gender hermaphrodites who hate that human beings are a species with two distinct genders. It's like they've declared war on testicles. They wanna remove all the masculinity from the schools, fill the world with yogurt-eaters.

Frank Gallagher in Shameless - Season 1 Episode 6

Oh, Warren, once again proving that Koreans are the Asian Jews.

Phillip Gallagher in Shameless - Season 1 Episode 6

South Korea

We all have our phobias and school is mine. All of it. Textbooks full of falsehoods, teachers unions full of thugs, and tenured imbeciles who still use words like "irregardless".

Frank Gallagher in Shameless - Season 1 Episode 6

Veronica: "What's that smell? It's either vomit or fancy cheese."
Carl: "It can be both if you want."

Carl Gallagher in Shameless - Season 1 Episode 5

Fiona: "Wasn't he drunk when he proposed?"
Veronica: "Yeah, it was like David Hasselhoff video, eating a cheeseburger. YouTube it, it's a car wreck."

Veronica Fisher in Shameless - Season 1 Episode 5

David Hasselhoff

Why are all the news ladies Chinese? They should stick to what they know: railroads, sushi and dim sum.

Frank Gallagher in Shameless - Season 1 Episode 4

China

Like, up the ass? Do you get used to that? I mean, the whole point of the digestive system is one-way traffic.

Phillip Gallagher in Shameless - Season 1 Episode 1

Ass

Frank: "Four-month-old baby, 14-year-old girl, 11-year-old Lip, 10-year-old Ian, a 7-year-old, a 5-year-old, and a Dodge Astro van. What's the one thing that we needed? One word. One thing."
Jimmy: "Sterilization."

Jimmy Lishman in Shameless - Season 1 Episode 1

Quotes from The Completely Made-Up Adventures of Dick Turpin

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