Quotes from The Big Bang Theory

That's the great thing about California, you can almost go to the mountains and almost go to the beach on the same day.

Physics answers the question, "What is the nature of the universe?" Geology answers the question, "What'd I just trip over?"

Marty: "Thanks for going to outer space, so no matter what I do, my mum will be disappointed in me."
Howard: "Well, I married a little catholic girl, so we're even."

Sheldon: "Why do people cry at weddings?"
Mary: "They're practicing for what's coming later."

This seat is ideally located both in relation to the heat source in the winter and a cross breeze in the summer. It also faces the television at a direct angle allowing me to immerse myself in entertainment or game play without being subjected to conversation. As a result, I've placed it in a state of eternal dibs.

Leonard: "I can't believe you've never seen 'Raiders of the Lost Ark'."
Penny: "And I can't believe you've never read 'Eat, Pray, Love'."
Leonard: "When she comes out with 'Eat, Pray, Run away from a giant boulder', I'll read it."

Gosh, Amy, I'm sensing a little hostility. Is it maybe because, like Sheldon's work, your sex life is also theoretical?

'See you in hell Sheldon'? The most frightening thing about that is the missing comma!

Rajesh: "I don't know if I want to play anymore."
Sheldon: "Because you don't have a girlfriend? Well, good Lord, if that becomes a reason not to play Dungeons & Dragons, this game's in serious trouble."

Sheldon: "At my age, do you know how I'm statistically most likely to die?"
Leonard: "At the hands of your roommate?"
Sheldon: "An accident."
Leonard: "That's how I'm going to make it look."

Sheldon: "I'm quite aware of the way humans usually reproduce, which is messy, unsanitary, and based on living next to you for three years, involves loud and unnecessary appeals to a deity."
Penny: "Oh God!"
Sheldon: "Yes, exactly."

Raj: "Hey, look, I found an iPod!"
Howard: "Smashed beyond repair - what are you going to do with it?"
Raj: "What else? Sell it on ebay as 'slightly used'."

Leonard: "I don't think I can go out with her tonight."
Sheldon: "Then don't."
Leonard: "Other people would say, 'Why not?'"
Sheldon: "Other people might be interested."

Penny: "Leonard isn't the kind of guy I usually go out with."
Sheldon: "Leonard isn't the kind of guy anyone usually goes out with."

Penny: "Yes, I will go out with you."
Leonard: "Really?"
Penny: "Yeah. Why not? I mean, what do I have to lose?"
Leonard: "Yeah. That's the spirit!"

You can't ruin a friendship with sex. That's like trying to ruin ice cream with chocolate sprinkles

Penny: "What a cute, little store... everybody's staring at me?"
Leonard: "Don't worry, they're more scared of you, than you are of them."

This physicist goes into an ice cream parlor every week and orders an ice cream sundae for himself, and then offers one to the empty stool sitting next to him. This goes on for a while until the owner finally asks him what he's doing. The man says, 'Well, I'm a physicist, and quantum mechanics teaches us, that it is possible for the matter above this stool to spontaneously turn into a beautiful woman who might accept my offer and fall in love with me.' The owner then says, 'Lots of single, beautiful women come in here ever day. Buy an ice cream for one of them, and they might fall in love with you.' And the physicist says, 'Yeah, but what are the odds of that happening?!'

I love the smell of paintballs in the morning.

Leonard: "You owe me another two dollars, the price of moo shu pork went up."
Howard: "It's getting tougher and tougher to be a bad Jew."

My expenses account for 46.9% of my after-tax income. The rest is divvied up between a small savings account, this deceptive container of peanut brittle and the hollowed-out buttocks of a superhero action figure who shall remain nameless for his own protection... or HER own protection.

Leonard: "Penny's taking you to the DMV, I'm going to bed."
Sheldon: "Why Penny?"
Leonard: "Because rock breaks scissors."

Howard: "You know, I'm really glad you decided to learn Mandarin."
Sheldon: "Why?"
Howard: "Once you're fluent, you'll have a billion more people to annoy instead of me."

You tell people I'm a rocket scientist? My God! Why don't you just tell them that I'm a toll-taker at the Golden Gate Bridge?

Is it 'cause I'm Jewish? 'Cause I'd kill my rabbi with a pork chop to be with your sister.

Howard: "Don't you think I should answer the engineering questions? I am an engineer."
Sheldon: "By that logic I should answer all the anthropology questions because I'm a mammal."

Sheldon: "Well, once, when I was 15, spending the summer at the Heidelberg Institute in Germany."
Penny: "Studying abroad?"
Sheldon: "No. Visiting professor. Anyway, the local cuisine was a little more sausage-based than I'm used to. And the result was an internal Blitzkrieg, with my lower intestine playing the part of Czechoslovakia."

Leonard: "Sheldon, relax! She doesn't have any symptoms, I'm sure she's not contagious."
Sheldon: "Oh, please! If influenza was only contagious after symptoms appear, it would have died out thousands of years ago. Somewhere between tool using and cave painting, homo habilis would have figured out how to kill the guy with the runny nose."

Penny: "You'll never guess what just happened."
Sheldon: "I don't guess. As a scientist, I reach conclusions based on observation and experimentation. Although it occurs to me, you may have been employing a rhetorical device - rendering my response moot."

She is cheating. No one can be that attractive and this skilled at a video game.

Leonard: "The only way we can play teams at this point is if we cut Raj in half."
Rajesh: "Sure, cut the foreigner in half. There's a billion more where he came from."

Sheldon: "What are we doing here?"
Leonard: "We're socializing, meeting new people."
Sheldon: "Telepathically?"

Sheldon: "I'm not quite sure. It involves a part of the human experience that has always eluded me."
Leonard: "That narrows it down."

Oh, gravity, thou art a heartless bitch!

Penny: "You know, it's a Cheesecake Factory... people order cheesecake and I bring it to them."
Leonard: "So you kind of act as like a carbohydrate delivery system?"
Penny: "Yeah, call it whatever you want, I get minimum wage."

We dont need Wolowitz! Engineering is merely the slower younger brother of physics. Watch and learn! Do either of you know how to open the toolbox?

Penny: "Oh, it's not a date, Leonard. It's just a man and a woman hanging out, not having sex at the end of the night."
Leonard: "Sounds like most of my dates."

Howard: "Good news, gentlemen - I found our hacker."
Leonard: "Really?"
Howard: "Yeah, no one can hide from me. Not Waldo, not Carmen San Diego, not even topless Natalie Portman."

I'm tired of running to the gas station to use the bathroom. The guy makes me buy a Gatorade every time - it's a vicious circle.

Sheldon: "You realize that the technology
that went into this arm, will one day make unskilled food servers, such as yourself, obsolete?"
Penny: "Really? They're gonna make a robot, that spits on your hamburger?"

Howard: "You were acting like an obnoxious, giant dictator."
Rajesh: "I thought we were going to be gentle with him."
Howard: "That's why I added the 'tator'!"

Howard: "Looks like I'm gonna have sex tonight."
Penny: "His right hand is calling him?"

I'm sorry, but I'm not going to watch 'The Clone Wars' TV series, until I've seen 'The Clone Wars' movie. I prefer to let George Lucas disappoint me in the order he intended.

Leonard: "I've dated plenty of women. There was Joyce Kim... Leslie Winkle..."
Sheldon: "Notify the editors of the Oxford English Dictionary. The word 'plenty' has been redefined to mean 'two.'"

Leonard: "Sheldon, how could you just sit there and let them spy on me?"
Sheldon: "They were clever, Leonard. They exploited my complete lack of interest in what you were doing."

Leonard: "The key to acquiring proficiency in any task is repetition."
Sheldon: "...with certain obvious exceptions. Suicide for example!"

Penny: "Four years I lived with him! Four years, I mean that's like as long as high school!"
Sheldon: "It took you four years to get through high school?!"

Smart? I'd have to lose 60 IQ points to be classified as smart.

Everybody's got a date. Even you, Mario, going after Princess Peach. And what am I doing? I'm just enabling you.

Oh my god, I'm lying in bed with a beautiful woman who can quote Yoda!