The best Quotes from Ted

John: "That's great! I mean, just like Sam L. Jackson."
Sam: "Who is that?"
Ted: "You ever seen any movie ever? He's the black guy."

Ted

Ted: "Some women just have 'f me'-eyes."
Sam: "Do I have 'f*ck me'-eyes?"
Ted: "No, you have 'Give me the ring, my precious'-eyes."

Gollum

Manager: "You had sexual intercourse with a co-worker on top of the produce that we sell to the public."
Ted: "I f*cked her with a parsnip last week. And I sold the parsnip to a family with four small children."
Manager: "That took guts. We need guts. I'm promoting you."
Ted: "You got a lot of problems, don't you?"

Ted

Norah Jones: "You did well for a guy with no dick."
Ted: "Yeah, you have no idea, how many angry letters I have written to Hasbro about that!"

Ted

No matter how big a splash you make in this world whether you're Corey Feldman, Frankie Muniz, Justin Bieber or a talking teddy bear, eventually, nobody gives a shit.

Narrator

Justin Bieber Miley Cyrus Macaulay Culkin

See? There. Proof. Garfield's eyes look like a pair of t*ts.

Ted

Ted: "Lori, hey. You're home early."
Lori: "This place is a wreck! Who are these girls?"
Ted: "Y'know, they're hookers. So it's fine."

Ted

Ted: "Thunder buddies for life, right, Johnny?"
John: "F*cking right."
Ted: "Alright, come on, let's sing the thunder song."
John: "Alright."
John, Ted: "[singing] When you hear the sound of thunder
Don't you get too scared
Just grab your thunder buddy
And say these magic words:
F*ck you, thunder! You can suck my dick!
You can't get me thunder, 'cause you're just God's farts!"

John and Ted

Manager: "So you think you got what it takes?"
Ted: "I'll tell you what I got - your wife's p*ssy on my breath!"
Manager: "Nobody's ever talked to me like that before."
Ted: "That's because everyone's mouth is usual full of your wife's box."
Manager: "You're hired."
Ted: "Shit..."

Ted

Vaginas

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The resistance to science is idiotic.

Seth MacFarlane

Science

I can't believe I am hosting the Oscars. It's an honor everyone else said no.

Seth MacFarlane

Oscars

If something is shocking without being funny it's hard to justify.

Seth MacFarlane

I'm wide open to getting married, but actors are not easy people to date. You end up sharing that person with this other mistress that is their career. I very much like the traditional courtship method of making a date. That's what they do in normal places, but Hollywood's not normal.

Seth MacFarlane

'The Brady Bunch' asks nothing of you as a viewer. Sometimes is just what the doctor ordered.

Seth MacFarlane

Without me, eyes are marbles, no darkness they see.
Faces look garbled, no flurry they feel.
No breath, no cheer, death not to fear.
Time is not spent, roses has no scent.
At nothing you can marvel without me.

Gollum in The Lord of the Rings: Gollum

Cold be heart and hand and bone. Cold be travelers far from home. They do not see what lies ahead when sun has failed and moon is dead.

Gollum in The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers

The fat Hobbit, he knows. Eyes always watching. Then we stabs them out. Put out his eyeses and make him crawl.

Gollum in The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers

Master broke his promise. Master betrayed us. Wicked. Tricksy. False. We ought to wring his filthy little neck. Kill him! Kill them both! And then we take the Precious and we'll be the master!

Gollum in The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers

All she gets is filthy Orcses. And they doesn't taste very nice, does they, Precious? No. Not very nice at all, my love.

Gollum in The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King

It cannot be seen, cannot be felt,
Cannot be heard, cannot be smelt.
It lies behind stars and under hills,
And empty holes it fills,
It comes first and follows after,
Ends life, kills laughter.
[Darkness]

Gollum in The Hobbit

Dance with me under the diamonds
See me like breath in the cold
Sleep with me here in the silence
Come kiss me, silver and gold

Justin Bieber - Anyone

I was fifteen when the world put me on a pedestal
I had big dreams of doin' shows and making memories
Made some bad moves tryin' to act cool, upset by their jealousy

Justin Bieber - Monster, Album: Wonder (by Shawn Mendes)

Everybody knows my past now
Like my house was always made of glass
And maybe that's the price you pay
For the money and fame at an early age

Justin Bieber - Lonely

I don't do well with the drama
And, no, I can't stand it being fake
I don't believe in nirvana
But the way that we love in the night gave me life
Baby, I can't explain

Justin Bieber - Holy

There's nowhere we need to be
I'ma get to know you better
Kinda hope we're here forever

Justin Bieber - Stuck with U

Do you miss the road that you grew up on?
Did you get your middle name from your grandma?
When you think about your forever now, do you think of me?

Justin Bieber - 10,000 Hours

I don't think I forgot anyone. But I might have forgotten underwear. Bye!

Miley Cyrus - February 2024, Grammy Acceptance Speech

Left my livin' fast somewhere in the past
'Cause that's for chasin' cars
Turns out open bars lead to broken hearts
And goin' way too far

Miley Cyrus - Used To Be Young, Album: Endless Summer Vacation

I can buy myself flowers
Write my name in the sand
Talk to myself for hours
Say things you don't understand
I can take myself dancing
And I can hold my own hand
Yeah, I can love me better than you can

Miley Cyrus - Flowers, Album: Endless Summer Vacation

See my lips on her mouth, everybody's talkin' now, baby
Ooh, you know it's true
That I was born to run, I don't belong to anyone, oh no
I don't need to be loved by you

Miley Cyrus - Midnight Sky, Album: SHE IS MILEY CYRUS

Hit the Goose, raise a toast, pop the molly
I can go toe-to-toe, like I'm Ali
We're all tryna fill the lonely

Miley Cyrus - D.R.E.A.M., Album: SHE IS COMING

Uh, don't call me angel when I'm a mess
Don't call me angel when I get undressed
You know I, I don't like that, boy
Uh, I make my money, and I write the checks
So say my name with a little respect
All my girls successful, and you're just our guest

Miley Cyrus - Don’t Call Me Angel (Charlie’s Angels), Album: Charlie’s Angels OST

I could have gone the route of a lot of these former child actors, but I didn't want that for myself. Like I said, when I was 14 years old, I decided to quit. I didn't ever want to do it again.

Macaulay Culkin

I enjoy my life. I think I have a very good life. And I think I'm very satisfied with the direction of my career and just my lifestyle and everything like that. So I wouldn't change a single thing.

Macaulay Culkin

I lead a simple life. I feed the fish. I walk the dogs. I cook dinner. Occasionally I take a meeting.

Macaulay Culkin

I am a collection of thoughts and memories and likes and dislikes. I am the things that have happened to me and the sum of everything I've ever done. I am the clothes I wear on my back. I am every place and every person and every object I have ever come across. I am a bag of bones stuck to a very large rock spinning a thousand miles an hour.

Macaulay Culkin

I'm doing naughty things, I'm drinking too much, I'm going to clubs. It really didn't matter to me, other than the fact that some parents wouldn't let their kids hang out with me.

Macaulay Culkin

Frank: "Why you gotta be such an asshole?"
Lip: "Apple fell where you dropped it."

Phillip Gallagher in Shameless - Season 2 Episode 4

Vaginas

V: "You always pick p*ssies!"
Fiona: "Well, they are what they eat."

Fiona Gallagher in Shameless - Season 2 Episode 4

Vaginas

The best Quotes from Ted

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