John: "That's great! I mean, just like Sam L. Jackson."
Sam: "Who is that?"
Ted: "You ever seen any movie ever? He's the black guy."
Ted: "Some women just have 'f me'-eyes."
Sam: "Do I have 'f me'-eyes?"
Ted: "No, you have 'Give me the ring, my precious'-eyes."
Manager: "You had sexual intercourse with a co-worker on top of the produce that we sell to the public."
Ted: "I fucked her with a parsnip last week. And I sold the parsnip to a family with four small children."
Manager: "That took guts. We need guts. I'm promoting you."
Ted: "You got a lot of problems, don't you?"
Norah Jones: "You did well for a guy with no dick."
Ted: "Yeah, you have no idea, how many angry letters I have written to Hasbro about that!"
No matter how big a splash you make in this world whether you're Corey Feldman, Frankie Muniz, Justin Bieber or a talking teddy bear, eventually, nobody gives a shit.Ted, by Narrator
See? There. Proof. Garfield's eyes look like a pair of tits.Ted, by Ted
Ted: "Lori, hey. You're home early."
Lori: "This place is a wreck! Who are these girls?"
Ted: "Y'know, they're hookers. So it's fine."
Ted: "Thunder buddies for life, right, Johnny?"
John: "Fucking right."
Ted: "Alright, come on, let's sing the thunder song."
John, Ted: "[singing] When you hear the sound of thunder
Don't you get too scared
Just grab your thunder buddy
And say these magic words:
Fuck you, thunder! You can suck my dick!
You can't get me thunder, 'cause you're just God's farts!"
Manager: "So you think you got what it takes?"
Ted: "I'll tell you what I got - your wife's pussy on my breath!"
Manager: "Nobody's ever talked to me like that before."
Ted: "That's because everyone's mouth is usual full of your wife's box."
Manager: "You're hired."