The best Quotes by Ted Mosby (Page 2)

Hey, ref, check your voicemail! I think you've missed a few calls!

Marshall: "Open your eyes, ref! That's not a pregnant lady..."
Ted: "...it's a basketball under his shirt. Blow the freakin' whistle!"

Marshall, you being 18 isn't a bad thing. It just means you get to spend even more of your life with her.

Ted: "Basketball, people don't realize, is all geometry, physics and engineering. If you think like an architect, you could win a thousand games without ever touching a ball."
Barney: "What happened to your ball?"
Ted: "Some kids from the Hebrew school next door took it and wouldn't give it back."

As fun as this place is, it's late. So, what's our play? And don't say, "The Siamese Twins", we're not stretching out another one of my jackets!

Ted: "As a kid, I was known as a bit of a detective. In fact, when my friend's retainer went missing, the Mosby Boys were put on the case, and it was..."
Victoria: "The retainer was in the garbage. The Mosby Boys were you, your sister, and a neighborhood squirrel you thought you had tamed."
Ted: "I can't believe Squirrel-lock Holmes turned on us like that, eight weeks of training down the drain."

We're cosigning birthday cards, we got toothbrushes at each other's places, foreplay's out the window. I'm in, I'm out, I'm sleeping - it's great.

Hey, it's me again. Look, who are we kidding? You and I are both attracted to each other. We're young, we're drunk, half of us anyway. And we only get one life, so why don't you come over to my apartment and we'll think of something stupid to do together?

Let's hit a motel, jam in a quickie and get you back to your wedding.

Kids, sometimes the universe sends exactly what you ask for. Other times... it sends Lily's dad.

Barney: "I'm dating a stripper."
Ted: "Yes, I've seen your bus ad."

Robin: "She was gonna get the last kugel."
Ted: "She was 90 years old. It was probably gonna be her last kugel."

Ted: "I just thought he needed to listen to common sense and reasonable discourse."
Robin: "Oh, God. Tell me those aren't the names of your fists."
Ted: "They're my feet. I'm actually more of a kicker."

Barney: "Whoa, Ted, that thing you're packing is way too big to fit in that box."
Ted: "Yeah, that's what your mom said."
Barney: "How dare you?"
Ted: "No, she actually said that."

Robin, if you asked a hundred people: "Who's the worst person you could possibly date?" They'd all say "your therapist", except the ones saying "Barney".

Career has been trouncing romance for years. It's like the Globetrotters versus the Generals: Career's sinking hook shots from half court, romance is just a bunch of slow white guys, who couldn't make it in the Italian league.

Clint: "Ted, your mother is a very, very erotic woman."
Ted: "Please don't."

Ted: "You always kept your toothbrush in the bedroom. Also weird, by the way."
Lily: "No. We kept it in the bathroom."
Ted: "No, there was only one toothbrush in the bathroom, and it was mine..."

We've always been a trio! We're right up there with Batman and Robin and Alfred. Romeo and Juliet and the apothecary. Salt and pepper and cumin.

I've got to find a way to introduce some wood into Bilson's dark atrium. I think you know what I meant.

One minute we're just laying into each other, and then the next minute... well, same thing.

Stella's sister: "I'm a vegan. I wish I could tune out that moral voice inside me, that says eating animals is murder. But I guess I'm just not as strong as you are."
Ted: "That's 'cause you need protein. I'll have the lamb."

Stella: "Ted, you're staring at my breasts."
Ted: "In fairness... they were staring at me."

This is New York City, don't get close to the neighbours. You nod at them politely in the hall, you call the cops if you haven't seen them in a while and you smell something funny and that's it!

I appreciate your help, but there's a reason your name is "Robin", not "Batman".

Marshall: "Neither of you guys has any game, right? Or else you'd be married. Like me. If dating is the game, then marriage is winning the game."
Ted: "Yeah, if you're playing in the women's league!"

Marshall really took a two-flusher on that one!

Ted: "I thought you said you got rid of everything your ex-boyfriends gave you?"
Robin: "Well yeah, but not my dogs."
Ted: "You said everything."
Robin: "But not living things."
Ted: "Tell that to the rare bolivian cactus i threw away!"

Ted: "[to Marshall, lying next to him] Marshall, are you still thinking about Lily?"
Marshall: "Yeah."
Ted: "Please stop!"

Well, Amanda is going to make Lily a cake, she's a chef! We met when I was at a restaurant last week and I sent some soup back. Luckily she's got such pretty hair I didn't mind eating a little bit of it.

Have you been arrested in a mall?
Dumped in a mall?
Turned out you're Canadian in a mall?

Stacey, six kids in five years! The woman's basically a ride to the waterpark.

Barney: "Ted, it's a well-known statistic, that 83% of people, married longer than 6 months, are saving someone on the side."
Ted: "Do you know that when you make up a statistic, you always use 83% ?"

Because were baseball, strippers and guns can't help, the only thing that can really heal a broken heart, is time.

Ted: "What do you say?"
Robin: "Yes! No! I don't know..."
Ted: "Those are the three options."

Lily: "Swear on the lifes of your unborn boy and girl!"
Ted: "I swear... on Luke and Leia!"

I don't feel so good. It's like my testicals mixed poprocks and soda.

Yes Barney, your submissions were recieved and no, we will not be attending any parties in your pants.

Marshall: "If economic sanctions and trade-restrictions aren't enforced, the destruction of the rainforest will continue and over a million species will be wiped out!"
Ted: "So you don't want coffee?"

The Captain: "Guess it's just you, me, and six hours in frigid international waters."
Ted: "Or we could stay in dry land, hang out with some witnesses?"

Anything sounds weird, if you say it a undred times. Bowl. Bowl. Bowl...

Player play on - high V!

I'd say hump her brain out, but somebody obviously already has.

Oh my god, you have a monocle! Is this real? Is this really happening? Good luck killing James Bond!