When you date someone, it's like you're taking one long course in who that person is and then, when you break up, all that stuff becomes useless. It's the emotional equivalent of an English degree...RelationshipsTed Mosby in How I Met Your Mother, Season 5 Episode 3
I've got to find a way to introduce some wood into Bilson's dark atrium. I think you know what I meant.Ted Mosby in How I Met Your Mother, Season 4 Episode 18
One minute we're just laying into each other, and then the next minute... well, same thing.Ted Mosby in How I Met Your Mother, Season 4 Episode 12
Kids, morals usually come at the end of stories, but this one is so important, I'm gonna tell you now. Don't ever, ever invite an ex to your wedding.Ted Mosby in How I Met Your Mother, Season 4 Episode 5
Stella's sister: "I'm a vegan. I wish I could tune out that moral voice inside me, that says eating animals is murder. But I guess I'm just not as strong as you are."
Ted: "That's 'cause you need protein. I'll have the lamb."
Stella: "Ted, you're staring at my breasts."
Ted: "In fairness... they were staring at me."
This is New York City, don't get close to the neighbours. You nod at them politely in the hall, you call the cops if you haven't seen them in a while and you smell something funny and that's it!New York City, NeighborsTed Mosby in How I Met Your Mother, Season 3 Episode 11
I appreciate your help, but there's a reason your name is 'Robin', not 'Batman'.Ted Mosby in How I Met Your Mother, Season 3 Episode 7
Marshall: "Neither of you guys has any game, right? Or else you'd be married. Like me. If dating is the game, then marriage is winning the game."
Ted: "Yeah, if you're playing in the women's league!"
Barney: "You can't spell 'game' without 'me' and 'me' has the best game."
Ted: "Yeah well, I got so much game,
I'm Cornish game hen."
Barney: "Oh, yeah? I'm the New York State
Ted: "Well, I'm The Game. Well-crafted, keep-you-guessing thriller starring
Michael Douglas and Sean Penn."
Kids, you can't talk yourself into falling in love. It doesn't take days of deliberation. When it's real, you know pretty quickly and with absolute certainty.
I had forgotten that, but I was about to be reminded...
I don't wanna be choosing between two girls, I wanna be a complete head over heels idiot for one!LoveTed Mosby in How I Met Your Mother, Season 7 Episode 2
Marshall really took a two-flusher on that one!Ted Mosby in How I Met Your Mother, Season 7 Episode 1
Your car's gonna be fine, this is the best auto-shop around. Look at this certificate, one of the mechanics here...
[reads the certificate]
...finished a 64 ounce steak.
Ted: "I thought you said you got rid of everything your ex-boyfriends gave you?"
Robin: "Well yeah, but not my dogs."
Ted: "You said everything."
Robin: "But not living things."
Ted: "Tell that to the rare bolivian cactus i threw away!"
Because sometimes, even when you know how something's gonna end, that doesn't mean you can't enjoy the ride.TravelingTed Mosby in How I Met Your Mother, Season 2 Episode 14
Robin: "You mean the whiny, bottomless pit of neediness? He was bugging me so I spiked his echinacea tea with codeine."
Ted: "You would be a great mom."
Ted: "[to Marshall, lying next to him] Marshall, are you still thinking about Lily?"
Ted: "Please stop!"
Well, Amanda is going to make Lily a cake, she's a chef! We met when I was at a restaurant last week and I sent some soup back. Luckily she's got such pretty hair I didn't mind eating a little bit of it.Ted Mosby in How I Met Your Mother, Season 5 Episode 18
Have you been arrested in a mall?
Dumped in a mall?
Turned out you're Canadian in a mall?
When I have kids, and I tell them how I met their mother, I'm gonna tell them everything. The whole damn story.Ted Mosby in How I Met Your Mother, Season 2 Episode 3
Stacey, six kids in five years! The woman's basically a ride to the waterpark.Ted Mosby in How I Met Your Mother, Season 2 Episode 3
Barney: "Ted, it's a well-known statistic, that 83% of people, married longer than 6 months, are saving someone on the side."
Ted: "Do you know that when you make up a statistic, you always use 83% ?"
Because were baseball, strippers and guns can't help, the only thing that can really heal a broken heart, is time.Heart, BreakupTed Mosby in How I Met Your Mother, Season 2 Episode 1
I never wanted any of it to change, but that's not how life works.ChangeTed Mosby in How I Met Your Mother, Season 1 Episode 8
When I rode home the next morning, the city looked the same. The people looked the same. It all looked the same. But it wasn't. In just one night, everything had changed.ChangeTed Mosby in How I Met Your Mother, Season 1 Episode 22
Ted: "What do you say?"
Robin: "Yes! No! I don't know..."
Ted: "Those are the three options."
Lily: "Swear on the lifes of your unborn boy and girl!"
Ted: "I swear on Luke and Leia!"
The beauty of a moment, is that it's fleeting.MomentsTed Mosby in How I Met Your Mother, Season 1 Episode 14
I don't feel so good. It's like my testicals mixed poprocks and soda.SexTed Mosby in How I Met Your Mother, Season 1 Episode 14
When you meet someone special, suddenly life is full of firsts: The first kiss, the first night together, the first weekend together.Ted Mosby in How I Met Your Mother, Season 1 Episode 14
Yes Barney, your submissions were recieved and no, we will not be attending any parties in your pants.Ted Mosby in How I Met Your Mother, Season 1 Episode 11
Marshall: "If economic sanctions and trade-restrictions aren't enforced, the destruction of the rainforest will continue and over a million species will be wiped out!"
Ted: "So you don't want coffee?"
Sorry Peter, we're grown-ups now, we can't fly to Netherland with you anymore.Ted Mosby in How I Met Your Mother, Season 3 Episode 12
Kids, I'm going to tell you an incredible story, the story of how I met your mother.Ted Mosby in How I Met Your Mother, Season 1 Episode 1
I didn't give up on my dream house, because that's the thing about stupid decisions - we all make them, but time is funny and sometimes a little magical. It can take a stupid decision, and turn it into something else entirely.Decisions, TimeTed Mosby in How I Met Your Mother, Season 5 Episode 20
Long distance is a lie teenagers tell each other to get laid the summer before college.College, Long-Distance Relationships, TeenagersTed Mosby in How I Met Your Mother, Season 1 Episode 16
The Captain: "Guess it's just you, me, and six hours in frigid international waters."
Ted: "Or we could stay in dry land, hang out with some witnesses?"
Anything sounds weird, if you say it a undred times. Bowl. Bowl. Bowl...Ted Mosby in How I Met Your Mother, Season 5 Episode 3
I'd say hump her brain out, but somebody obviously already has.Ted Mosby in How I Met Your Mother, Season 6 Episode 15
Kids, you may think your only choices are to swallow your anger or throw it in someone's face, but there's a third option: You can just let it go, and only when you do that is it really gone and you can move forward.Breakup, ComfortingTed Mosby in How I Met Your Mother, Season 4 Episode 6
Oh my god, you have a monocle! Is this real? Is this really happening? Good luck killing James Bond!Ted Mosby in How I Met Your Mother, Season 6 Episode 8