Here's the secret, kids: none of us can vow to be perfect. In the end, all we can do is promise to love each other with everything we've got. Because love's the best thing we do.Love, PerfectionTed Mosby in How I Met Your Mother, Season 9 Episode 22
Love doesn't make sense. I mean, you can't logic your way into or out of it. Love ist totally nonsensical, but we have to keep doing it or else we're lost and love is dead and humanity should just pack it in. Because love is the best thing we do.LoveTed Mosby in How I Met Your Mother, Season 9 Episode 22
If you're looking for the word that means caring for someone beyond all rationality and wanting them to have everything they want, no matter how much it destroys you, it's love!LoveTed Mosby in How I Met Your Mother, Season 9 Episode 17
If you love something, you can never let it go. Not even for a second. Or it's gone forever.Love, LoyaltyTed Mosby in How I Met Your Mother, Season 9 Episode 17
Hey, ref, check your voicemail! I think you've missed a few calls!RefereesTed Mosby in How I Met Your Mother, Season 9 Episode 9
Marshall: "Open your eyes, ref! That's not a pregnant lady..."
Ted: "...it's a basketball under his shirt. Blow the freakin' whistle!"
And that, kids, is the kind of stupid thing you say, before you've met the person who hits the reset button on the world. Who makes everything new again. Who makes it seem ridiculous that you ever considered settling.Falling in loveTed Mosby in How I Met Your Mother, Season 9 Episode 8
Here's the thing, kids: When you believe in people, people come through.Ted Mosby in How I Met Your Mother, Season 9 Episode 2
You know how sometimes you'll meet a girl and there'll be that one bewitching little detail that'll make you fall in love with her instantly? You know, a little freckle on the nose, the lilt of her laugh, the way she pronounces a certain word or phrase...Falling in loveTed Mosby in How I Met Your Mother, Season 8 Episode 21
Lily: "Ted, you did this all yourself?"
Ted: "Just like Ryan Gosling in 'The Notebook'. It was pretty manly 'til I mentioned Ryan Gosling in 'The Notebook', huh?"
Kids, you can't cling to the past. Because no matter how tight you hold on... it's already gone.Memories, PastTed Mosby in How I Met Your Mother, Season 8 Episode 23
Turns out, when you projectile vomit on skates, you roll right into the spray.SkatingTed Mosby in How I Met Your Mother, Season 8 Episode 14
Eight years ago I made an ass of myself chasing after you and I made an ass of myself chasing after you a bunch of times since then. And I have no regrets because it led me to something I wouldn't trade for the world, it led to you being my friend. So as your friend and a leading expert in the field of making an ass of yourself. I say to you, from the heart, get the hell out of this car!Ted Mosby in How I Met Your Mother, Season 8 Episode 11
I poured my blood, sweat and tears into that building. Though, to be fair, a lot of that happened the day I accidentally fell down the elevator shaft.Ted Mosby in How I Met Your Mother, Season 8 Episode 9
Kids, Robin and Barney had recently shared an awkward moment. After that, they did what any two mature adults would do: They pretended it never happened.Ted Mosby in How I Met Your Mother, Season 8 Episode 8
Marshall, you being 18 isn't a bad thing. It just means you get to spend even more of your life with her.Ted Mosby in How I Met Your Mother, Season 8 Episode 7
Ted: "Basketball, people don't realize, is all geometry, physics and engineering. If you think like an architect, you could win a thousand games without ever touching a ball."
Barney: "What happened to your ball?"
Ted: "Some kids from the Hebrew school next door took it and wouldn't give it back."
As fun as this place is, it's late. So, what's our play? And don't say, "The Siamese Twins", we're not stretching out another one of my jackets!Ted Mosby in How I Met Your Mother, Season 7 Episode 16
Ted: "As a kid, I was known as a bit of a detective. In fact, when my friend's retainer went missing, the Mosby Boys were put on the case, and it was..."
Victoria: "The retainer was in the garbage. The Mosby Boys were you, your sister, and a neighborhood squirrel you thought you had tamed."
Ted: "I can't believe Squirrel-lock Holmes turned on us like that, eight weeks of training down the drain."
We're cosigning birthday cards, we got toothbrushes at each other's places, foreplay's out the window. I'm in, I'm out, I'm sleeping - it's great.Ted Mosby in How I Met Your Mother, Season 8 Episode 5
Ted: "Why wouldn't she just come right out and say what she wants?"
Marshall: "Men. It's like, if there weren't pickle jars to open and spiders to kill and computers to back up, what would be their point?"
Ted: "Okay, when did Marshall become a slightly more feminine you?"
Hey, it's me again. Look, who are we kidding? You and I are both attracted to each other. We're young, we're drunk, half of us anyway. And we only get one life, so why don't you come over to my apartment and we'll think of something stupid to do together?Ted Mosby in How I Met Your Mother, Season 1 Episode 10
Let's hit a motel, jam in a quickie and get you back to your wedding.Ted Mosby in How I Met Your Mother, Season 7 Episode 24
Kids, sometimes the universe sends exactly what you ask for. Other times... it sends Lily's dad.Ted Mosby in How I Met Your Mother, Season 7 Episode 23
Ted: "Uh, the time Lily went into labor!"
Lily: "That's now!"
Ted: "Sorry, I'm running out of stories."
Barney: "I scoured the dating sites, using my own personal logarithms, factoring in a broad spectrum of variables, filtering out undesirable high-risk negatives, guaranteeing a success-rate of eighty-thr..."
Ted: "...you picked the girls that showed the most boob."
Barney: "I'm dating a stripper."
Ted: "Yes, I've seen your bus ad."
People make fun of the guy who stays at home every night doing nothing, but the truth is that guy is a genius.Ted Mosby in How I Met Your Mother, Season 7 Episode 21
Every night can't be legendary. If all nights are legendary, no nights are legendary!NightTed Mosby in How I Met Your Mother, Season 7 Episode 21
Kids, that was the one time I ever lost faith in the idea that my life would be better in three years. And what's funny is, three years from that moment, my life was amazing.Ted Mosby in How I Met Your Mother, Season 7 Episode 20
Marshall: "Dude, if we fail this econ final, for the rest of our lives we're not gonna be able to... we won't know how to... do you even know what 'econ' is?"
Ted: "No idea. We're screwed."
Ted: "Luckily, you are friends with a former Boy Scout and a Boy Scout is always what?"
Lily: "Beaten up?"
Barney: "Going to the movies with his mom?"
Ted: "A Boy Scout is always prepared..."
Robin: "...prepared to spend lunch in his locker?"
Marshall: "...prepared to die a virgin?"
Barney: "...prepared to paint his sister's nails?"
Which meant for the first time in years, the world was wide open. Because kids, when a door closes... well, you know the rest.Ted Mosby in How I Met Your Mother, Season 7 Episode 17
Kids, sometimes you realize, the journey you've been taking has reached its final stop. So, the question becomes: Where do you go next?Ted Mosby in How I Met Your Mother, Season 7 Episode 16
Robin: "She was gonna get the last kugel."
Ted: "She was 90 years old. It was probably gonna be her last kugel."
Would the five of us always live within a few minutes of that booth? No, that's life, kids, but here's what I discovered: Our booth was wherever the five of us were together.FriendshipTed Mosby in How I Met Your Mother, Season 7 Episode 14
Hey look, it's the New York City skyline.
We built Chip City... we built Chip City on all your dough!
Ted: "I just thought he needed to listen to common sense and reasonable discourse."
Robin: "Oh, God. Tell me those aren't the names of your fists."
Ted: "They're my feet. I'm actually more of a kicker."
Ted: "You name a chubby white kid LeBron and he's the one getting stuffed in the basketball hoop."
Marshall: "Then I'm also crossing off Shaquille, Hakeem and Dikembe."
Barney: "I cannot stop staring at that girl's face."
Ted: "Face, huh? That's your weirdest nickname for boobs yet."
It's only once you've stopped, that you realize how hard it is to start again. So you force yourself not to want it.Breakup, BeginningTed Mosby in How I Met Your Mother, Season 6 Episode 3
Barney: "Whoa, Ted, that thing you're packing is way too big to fit in that box."
Ted: "Yeah, that's what your mom said."
Barney: "How dare you?"
Ted: "No, she actually said that."
Robin, if you asked a hundred people: "Who's the worst person you could possibly date?" They'd all say "your therapist", except the ones saying "Barney".PsychologyTed Mosby in How I Met Your Mother, Season 7 Episode 5
Career has been trouncing romance for years. It's like the Globetrotters versus the Generals: Career's sinking hook shots from half court, romance is just a bunch of slow white guys, who couldn't make it in the Italian league.CareerTed Mosby in How I Met Your Mother, Season 5 Episode 24
Clint: "Ted, your mother is a very, very erotic woman."
Ted: "Please don't."
Sometimes our best decisions are the ones that don't make any sense at all.Failures & Mistakes, DecisionsTed Mosby in How I Met Your Mother, Season 5 Episode 20
Ted: "You always kept your toothbrush in the bedroom. Also weird, by the way."
Lily: "No. We kept it in the bathroom."
Ted: "No, there was only one toothbrush in the bathroom, and it was mine..."
Even if I meet the girl of my dreams right the second, I'm still one night and nine months away, from having a family on my own. And that's assuming the mother of my childern is just a huge slut.Ted Mosby in How I Met Your Mother, Season 7 Episode 4
We've always been a trio! We're right up there with Batman and Robin and Alfred. Romeo and Juliet and the apothecary. Salt and pepper and cumin.Ted Mosby in How I Met Your Mother, Season 7 Episode 4