Manager: 'You had sexual intercourse with a co-worker on top of the produce that we sell to the public.'
Ted: 'I fucked her with a parsnip last week. And I sold the parsnip to a family with four small children.'
Manager: 'That took guts. We need guts. I'm promoting you.'
Ted: 'You got a lot of problems, don't you?'
Norah Jones: 'You did well for a guy with no dick.'
Ted: 'Yeah, you have no idea, how many angry letters I have written to Hasbro about that!'
No matter how big a splash you make in this world whether you're Corey Feldman, Frankie Muniz, Justin Bieber or a talking teddy bear, eventually, nobody gives a shit.Ted - The Movie, by Narrator
See? There. Proof. Garfield's eyes look like a pair of tits.Ted - The Movie, by Ted
Ted: 'Lori, hey. You're home early.'
Lori: 'This place is a wreck! Who are these girls?'
Ted: 'Y'know, they're hookers. So it's fine.'
Ted: 'Thunder buddies for life, right, Johnny?'
John: 'Fucking right.'
Ted: 'Alright, come on, let's sing the thunder song.'
John, Ted: '[singing] When you hear the sound of thunder
Don't you get too scared
Just grab your thunder buddy
And say these magic words:
Fuck you, thunder! You can suck my dick!
You can't get me thunder, 'cause you're just God's farts!'
Manager: 'So you think you got what it takes?'
Ted: 'I'll tell you what I got - your wife's pussy on my breath!'
Manager: 'Nobody's ever talked to me like that before.'
Ted: 'That's because everyone's mouth is usual full of your wife's box.'
Manager: 'You're hired.'