The best Quotes by Taylor Tomlinson

The best Quotes by Taylor Tomlinson

Taylor Elyse Tomlinson (born November 4, 1993) is an American stand-up comedian, actress, and writer.

Image: Netflix

Hey has anybody else paid a therapist hundreds of dollars to tell you to "take some deep breaths"?

1

If I survive this... I promise never to get mad at anyone for hugging me at work ever again.

via Twitter

1

Remember last week when your grocery list wasn't just 'GRAB WHATEVER IS LEFT'?

via Twitter

1

You have to work on yourself in your 20s 'cause if you don't, then you'll turn 30, and all the shitty parts of your personality will solidify, and that'll just be who you are now. Your 20s are an opportunity to fish trash out of the lake before it freezes over.

1

I've never faked it. I've never loved someone that much. I don't hand out trophies for showing up. Grab an orange slice and a Gatorade. Get back down there. Let's see some hustle, Andersen.

1

Women are surprised when they find a guy who can make them come and straight dudes are surprised when they find a girl who can make them feel genuine feelings in their heart.

Singles & Dating

I don't know if you guys have tried to get a 20-something dude from a dating app to wear a condom lately. But it's sort of like trying to convince a 5-year-old to put a jacket on over his Halloween costume. "Noo! You're gonna ruin it! You can't even see it!"

Halloween Singles & Dating

Go on TikTok. There are teenage girls editing themselves into Harry Potter movies. I mean, it's incredible! If that technology existed when I was 11, I would have lost my virginity even later.

TikTok Quotes about Harry Potter

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California has officially announced that jaywalking is now no longer a crime. So congratulations to the Californians who like walking places. This is great news for the six of you.

Trevor Noah in The Daily Show - October 2022

New Mexico. It's another state. I mean, it's like California, just less traffic.

Lalo Salamanca in Better Call Saul - Season 6 Episode 5

California New Mexico

We all have our little faults. Mine's in California.

Lex Luthor in Superman

All creative people should be required to leave California for three months every year.

Gloria Swanson

1

Helsinki may not be as cold as you make it out to be, but California is still a lot nicer. I don't remember the last time I couldn't walk around in shorts all day.

Linus Torvalds

California Helsinki

The apparent ease of California life is an illusion, and those who believe the illusion real live here in only the most temporary way.

Joan Didion

Things are tough all over, cupcake. An' it rains on the just an' the unjust alike... except in California.

Silk Spectre in Watchmen -

1

Justice California

I read the Life magazine articles about free love and free dope in California. At age 20 I drove to Los Angeles.

Los Angeles California

Smart women love smart men more than smart men love smart women.

Natalie Portman

2

Intelligence Men & Women Singles & Dating

It's like the riddle of the Sphinx; why are there so many great unmarried women - and no great unmarried men?

Carrie Bradshaw in Sex And The City - Season 1 Episode 1

8

Singles & Dating

"There's perfect men around every corner", said God an made the Earth round.

5

Funny Quotes Singles & Dating

In a town where everyone's dying to couple up, sometimes there's nothing better than being out of a relationship. You have time to do your laundry, freedom to play your favorite bad music really loudly... but the best part of being out of a relationship: Plenty of time to catch up with your friends.

Carrie Bradshaw in Sex And The City - Season 2 Episode 13

3

Singles & Dating

Laugh as much as you breathe and love as long as you live.

Johnny Depp

32

Love Laughing & Smile Breathing

I mean, they say dou die twice. One time when you stop breathing and a second time, a bit later on, when somebody says your name for the last time.

11

Memories Death Names Breathing

Crazy times we're living in. I used to cough to hide a fart, now I'm farting to hide a cough.

3

I tested negative to Covid yesterday and positive today. No symptoms what so ever. Covid had the courage to challenge me. Bad idea.

Zlatan Ibrahimović - September 2020

1

Halloween. The one day of the year it's socially acceptable to play dress-up. The only question is, who do you want to be? There are costumes to make men feel like boys again. Or turn little girls into queens.

Gossip Girl in Gossip Girl - Season 3

3

Like all good things the witching hour must come to an end. True natures are revealed. Tricks are turned into treats. And taking off costumes is as much fun as putting them on. Except for little girls who forget that Halloween is only one night. They wear their costumes for so long pretty soon they can’t even remember who they were before they put them on. XOXO - Gossip Girl.

Gossip Girl in Gossip Girl - Season 3

3

Appearance Halloween

Feels like we're on the edge right now
I wish that I could say I'm proud
I'm sorry that I let you down
Let you down
All these voices in my head get loud
I wish that I could shut them out
I'm sorry that I let you down
Le-le-let you down

NF - Let You Down, Album: Perception

I'll dance, dance, dance
With my hands, hands, hands
Above my head, head, head
Like Jesus said
I'm gonna dance, dance, dance
With my hands, hands, hands
Above my head, hands together
Forgive him before he's dead because

Lady Gaga - Bloody Mary, Album: Born This Way

When I'm 80 years old and sitting in my rocking chair, I'll be reading Harry Potter. And my family will say to me, "After all this time?" And I will say: "Always."

Alan Rickman (Actor of Severus Snape)

20

Quotes about Harry Potter

J.K. Rowling created seven Horcruxes. She put a part of her soul in every book and now her books will live forever.

Stephen King - about Harry Potter

9

Joanne K. Rowling Quotes about Harry Potter

Kim Jong-un is very isolated in his own country. He's the only obese person in North Korea.

Olaf Schubert in heute-show - heute-show vom 08.09.2017

Kim Jong Un North Korea

One of the main differences between Munich and Berlin is that when thousands of people get drunk in silly clothes and start vomitting, we don't call it "Oktoberfest", we call it "Tuesday".

Felix Lobrecht

2

Berlin Munich Oktoberfest

To never be sick can't be healthy.

Karl Valentin

Illness & Sickness

F*ck reason - long live the nonsense!

Karl Valentin

A Christian telling an atheist they're going to hell is as scary as a child telling an adult they're not getting any presents from Santa.

Ricky Gervais

1

Atheism Santa Claus Hölle

Cynicism, to me, is trying to make people as unhappy as you are.

Ricky Gervais

Life is so damn short. For f's sake, just do what makes you happy!

Bill Murray

The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30% of their ice cream.

Bill Murray

Taxes Ice Cream

Life is fleeting. And if you're ever distressed, cast your eyes to the summer sky when the stars are strung across the velvety night. And when a shooting star streaks through the blackness, turning night into day... make a wish and think of me.

Robin Williams

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

Robin Williams

This is the end of Wladimir Putin.

Jan Böhmermann - February 2022

Vladimir Putin Russia-Ukraine War

Dubai accomplished that boom through lots of hard work... by slaves.

Jan Böhmermann (ZDF Magazin Royale) - vom 12.02.2021

People say that money changes people. It really doesn't. Money don't change people. Money allows you to be more of who you really are. If you're a kind person when you get a lot of money, you become a kinder person. If you're an a-shole when you get a lot of money, you become a big a-shole. When you see rich people acting like a-sholes it's 'cause they've always been one.

Steve Harvey - February 2021

Harvey: "You gonna sit up here on national TV and say 'nekkid', and then point at the damn board like we gonna let you get away with it!"
Contestant: "I bet you said 'nekkid' in one of your comedy routines."
Harvey: "You on Family Feud! This ain't a comedy routine!"

Steve Harvey in Family Feud

Life is too short to worry about what others say about you. Have fun and give them something to talk about.

Gossip & Rumors

The only time you should look back in life is to see how far you have come.

Spotify, the app with the entire history of recorded music that you only use to listen to four songs that you liked in high school.

Trevor Noah in The Daily Show - The Truth Behind Music Streaming

You don't need to show up like a SWAT Team to rescue a Barbie from a little girl. If anything, you should be rescuing the little girl from the Barbie. Should be getting there like, "little girl, watch out! That Barbie can give you a warped sense of what a woman's body is supposed to be!"

Trevor Noah in The Daily Show - June 2020

Related pages to Taylor Tomlinson

The best Quotes by Comedians

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Singles & Dating

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Corona-Jokes

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Quotes about Harry Potter

Olaf Schubert

Felix Lobrecht