The best Quotes by Steve Smith

I’m gonna go hit the sack, and then probably go to bed.

Guns don't kill people, people kill people! Guns defend people against people with smaller guns.

There's an old German saying: 'Don't blame the fish!' There are other sayings, but they mostly involve genocide...

Gummi Bears?! He replaced my bullets with Gummi Bears from the mini bar... that's gonna cost me $7!

Oh, I love your religion... for the crazy! Virgin birth. Water into wine. It's like Harry Potter, but it causes genocide and bad folk music.

A real New York hotel! How many Wall Street bankers have had their first prostitute here?

Stan, we can't have a grown woman acting like a child in our house. This ain't no Disney Channel.

Roger: "I once survived four days in a Del Taco parking lot extracting life-saving nutrients from puddles and bird shit."
Steve: "Why didn't you just go into the Del Taco?"
Roger: "I'm a Taco Bell man."

Doctors are stupid, Roger. They're just failed dentists.

When I joined the CIA, I knew the deal. If we make a mistake, we cover it up. Like the time Dick accidentally created feline AIDS and we covered it up by blaming it on gay cats.

Hello, Bill Gates? Turns out I’m the richest guy in the world, because I have an adoring wife and a loving family.
Hello, UNICEF? Yes, I’d like to donate some of my immense riches. What’s that? Children are still starving in Africa because wife love is worthless to you? What an odd policy!

I guess I just picked a whole bouquet of oopsie-daisies.

Ah, saturday afternoon TV. Where the sneaky networks hide all the good shows.

Boil water? What, am I a chemist?

In a hundred years, when there’s a million jerks riding around Manhattan drunk in limos, the west will seem like a paradise.

The new Pixar movie, Clothes. It’s about the secret lives of clothes. John Ratzenberger plays a tie.

When you lose everything, that's when you're finally free.

We're not defined by what we los. We're defined by what we survive.