The best Quotes by Stephen Colbert

Internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning? That's the sky. If you're still confused, look it up on Wikipedia tomorrow.

Wikipedia

Don't cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it'll be free yogurt.

Milk

Contrary to what people may say, there's no upper limit to stupidity.

Foolishness

Scientists have invented a new strain of cannabis without the high. They celebrated with non-alcoholic beer and furious dry-humping.

Marijuana & Weed

There's an old saying about those who forget history. I don't remember it, but it's good.

If this is going to be a Christian nation that doesn't help the poor, either we have to pretend that Jesus was just as selfish as we are, or we've got to acknowledge that He commanded us to love the poor and serve the needy without condition and then admit that we just don't want to do it.

God works in mysterious ways but at least he works, he's never on welfare in a mysterious way.

Used books are the sl*ts of the literary world. Passed around from person to person, spreading their pages for anyone, getting cheaper and cheaper until eventually they end up in prison.

Books

If you love friends, you will serve your friends. If you love community, you will serve your community. If you love money, you will serve your money. And if you love only yourself, you will serve only yourself. And you will have only yourself.

Egoism

Global warming isn't real because I was cold today! Also great news: world hunger is over because I just ate.

An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.

Apples

Christianity is the best way to cure gayness - just get on your knees, take a swig of wine, and accept the body of a man into your mouth.

Christianity

Thirty seconds is the exact amount of time Americans can tolerate something they don't understand.

USA

"Sympathy for the Devil" is just another way of saying "Compassionate Conservative".

It is a well known fact that reality has liberal bias.

I love the earth. If you ask me it's the greatest planet in the world.

Earth

The interesting thing about grief, I think, is that it is its own size. It is not the size of you. It is its own size. And grief comes to you. You know what I mean? I've always liked that phrase "He was visited by grief," because that's really what it is. Grief is its own thing. It's not like it's in me and I'm going to deal with it. It's a thing, and you have to be okay with its presence. If you try to ignore it, it will be like a wolf at your door.

Remember, you cannot be both young and wise. Young people who pretend to be wise to the ways of the world are mostly just cynics. Cynicism masquerades as wisdom, but it is the farthest thing from it. Because cynics don't learn anything. Because cynicism is a self-imposed blindness, a rejection of the world because we are afraid it will hurt us or disappoint us. Cynics always say no. But saying "yes" begins things. Saying "yes" is how things grow. Saying "yes" leads to knowledge. "Yes" is for young people. So for as long as you have the strength to, say "yes'.

I cannot stand people who disagree with me on the issue of Roe v. Wade... which I believe is about the proper way to cross a lake.

My grandfather did not travel across 4,000 miles of the Atlantic Ocean to see this country overrun by immigrants. He did it because he killed a man back in Ireland.

If Jesus doesn't have a sense of humor, I am in huge trouble.

I hold a little fundraiser every day. Its called going to work.

Sixty eight percent of Republicans don't believe in evolution. On the other hand, only five percent of monkeys believe in Republicans.

Evolution

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As a native Washingtonian, I am well aware that childhood obesity is a real problem in our nation's capital.

Dan Snyder

Washington, D.C.

The Washington Bullets are changing their name. They don't want their team to be associated with crime. From now on, they'll just be known as the Bullets.

Jay Leno

Washington, D.C.Washington Wizards

Washington is a place where politicians don't know which way is up and taxes don't know which way is down.

Robert Orben

Washington, D.C.

I call Washington "the city of the perishable".

Nancy Pelosi (as Speaker of the US House of Representatives)

Washington, D.C.

Let me give you a little bit of free advice. DC is all about realtionships.

Kimble Hookstraten in Designated Survivor - Season 1 Episode 9

Washington, D.C.

In order to get cheap accommodation in Australia, we like foreign people to do manual labour for us. Helping feed the cows is very important, they are the future of McDonald's.

Ozzy Man Reviews - Royal Tour [FEAT. Prince Harry and Meghan]

Australia McDonald's

Wikipedia is the best thing ever. Anyone in the world can write anything they want about any subject. So you know you are getting the best possible information.

Michael Scott in The Office - Season 3 Episode 18

Wikipedia

Ross: "I could ask her to live with me. I mean, why not?"
Chandler: "Because you've only known her for six weeks. I've got a carton of milk in my refrigerator I've had a longer relationship with."

Chandler Bing in Friends - Season 4 Episode 19

Milk

Who's the more foolish? The fool or the fool who follows him?

Obi-Wan Kenobi in Star Wars: Episode IV - A New Hope

Foolishness

Herb is the healing of a nation, alcohol is the destruction.

Bob Marley

Alcohol Drugs Marijuana & Weed

A mind needs books like a sword needs a whetstone.

Tyrion Lannister in Game of Thrones - Season 1 Episode 2

Books Mind & Apprehension Intelligence

If believing in yourself and going after what you want in life and realising your worth is ruthless and selfish, then I'm definitely ruthless and selfish.

Nicole Scherzinger

Ambition Egoism

Girls are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the tree. The boys don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they just get the rotten apples from the ground that aren't as good, but easy. So the apples at the top think something is wrong with them, even in reality, they're amazing.
They just have to wait for the right boy to come along, the one who's brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree.

Apples

Christians who pray are like pillars that carry the world.

Martin Luther

Christianity Praying Day of Repentance and Prayer

If there is a country that has committed unspeakable atrocities in the world, it is the United States of America. They don’t care for human beings.

Nelson Mandela

USA

We called her Mother Earth. Because she gave birth to us, and then we sucked her dry.

Jon Stewart

Earth

Extinction is the rule. Survival is the exception.

Carl Sagan

Evolution

Kim Jong-un is very isolated in his own country. He's the only obese person in North Korea.

Olaf Schubert in heute-show - heute-show vom 08.09.2017

Kim Jong Un North Korea

One of the main differences between Munich and Berlin is that when thousands of people get drunk in silly clothes and start vomitting, we don't call it "Oktoberfest", we call it "Tuesday".

Felix Lobrecht

Berlin Munich Oktoberfest

To never be sick can't be healthy.

Karl Valentin

Illness & Sickness

A Christian telling an atheist they're going to hell is as scary as a child telling an adult they're not getting any presents from Santa.

Ricky Gervais

Atheism Santa Claus Hölle

Life is so damn short. For f's sake, just do what makes you happy!

Bill Murray

Life

Some a-hole leaks it online and I'm like, you know, looking at the guy in the mirror brushing my teeth, "Dude, what have you done? This could be punishable by law!" But the internet forced the studio to say, "We're gonna make this movie", and 24 hours later, that movie had a green light.

Ryan Reynolds - September 2025

Deadpool

The best Quotes by Stephen Colbert

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