Quotes from South Park

I love life. Yeah, I'm sad, but at the same time, I'm really happy that something could make me feel that sad. It's like... it makes me feel alive, you know. It makes me feel human. The only way I could feel this sad now is if I felt something really good before. So I have to take the bad with the good. So I guess what I'm feeling is like a beautiful sadness.

Do you know what happened to the last people Germans were pissed off at? Tell him, Kyle!

A bl-wjob isn't with your mouth, it's with your heart. Now get on your knees and put that heart to work.

Haven't Luke Skywalker and Santa Claus affected your lives more than most real people in this room? I mean, whether Jesus is real or not, he's had a bigger impact on the world than any of us have. And the same could be said of Bugs Bunny... and Superman and Harry Potter. They've changed my life, changed the way I act on the Earth. Doesn't that make them kind of real?

Terrorist: "America had other enemies before the Muslims, you know? Who is America's oldest enemy?"
Cartman: "The Russians?"
Terrorist: "Before that!"
Cartman: "The Germans?"
Terrorist: "Before that."
Cartman: "The Germans again?"

What's the matter, you got some sand in your v-gina?

When a chick says we need to talk, you might as well start punching yourself in the balls, dude.

Statistically speaking, the most bacteria-ridden place on the planet is the mouth of an American woman.

Cartman: "Have you seen this trick? When someone's sleeping, you can take a glass of warm water, and when you put their hand in it..."
Stan: "And then what?"
Cartman: "...and then you pee on them!"
Kyle: "No, dude! You're supposed to put their hand in warm water to make THEM pee!"
Cartman: "Really? Oh well."

[Playing Chatroulette with Kyle] This is the way the world works, if you want to find some quality friends you have to wade through all the dicks fist.

Stan: "Rings that say they not gonna have sex or doing anything naughty anymore."
Butters: "A ring that says you'll be together but not have sex... isn't that called the wedding ring?"

The only way to fight hate is with even more hate!

I can't lose weight, Butters, because I'm not fat, I'm big-boned. You can't slim down bones, stupid!

Stan: "Dude, I wonder where Kyle is."
Cartman: "Maybe he caught a disease and died, that'd be so awesome."
Stan: "Dude that's not funny, you shouldn't joke about that."
Cartman: "Who's joking?"

Mr. Garrison: "Then maybe you can tell me who was in charge of the feminist movement of the early sixties."
Eric Cartman: "A bunch of fat old sk-nks on their periods?"
Mr. Garrison: "Right, but who was the fattest oldest sk-nk on her period?"

Teacher: "You think art is not important?"
Stan: "Well, art is just kinda for gaywads."
Butters: "I love our class!"
Stan: "See?!"

Chefkoch: "Well, if you want him to get really fat as fast as possible, one of you will have to marry him."
Stan: "Marry him?"
Chefkoch: "It definitely worked for every woman i ever met."

But, years from now, when you're old and have children of your own, what would you give to come back and fight this one day? This one day, where you could have made a difference. Where you could've told Scott Tenorman: 'You may take our pride, but you will never take my god damn $16.12!'

Cartman: "I sneaked around my mom's closet and saw what I'm getting: the Ultra Vibe Pleasure 2000."
Stan: "What's that?"
Cartman: "I don't know, but it sounds sweet."

I would never let a woman kick my ass! If she tried anything, I'd be like 'Hey! Get your bitch ass back in the kitchen and make me some pie!'

Gerald Broflovski: "Well that does it, I'm going to the police!"
Stan: "For what?"
Gerald Broflovski: "To find out where Apple is keeping my son."
Stan: "Dude, when the police want to know where somebody is, they ask Apple!"

Cartman: "Went to sleep in my mom's car in the garage with the engine turned on."
Stan: "You didn't die?"
Cartman: "Freakin' hybrids, man. They just don't do the trick anymore."

If you so much as touch Kitty's ass, I'll put firecrackers in your nut sack, and blow your balls all over your pants!

Cartman: "After I'm on television, I'm gonna be totally famous."
Wendy: "Hitler was famous too."

Stan: "Whatever, you fat bitch."
Ms. Crabtree: "What did you say?!"
Stan: "I said, I have a bad itch."

Too bad drinking scotch isn't a paying job, or else Kenny's dad would be a millionaire!

Do you know what love is, Scott? I'll tell you one thing, it's not the happy ending that Disney movies promised us. There's no 'happily ever after'. There's just work and anger and pain and more work, and then, every once in a while, a little bit of fun.

Randy: "Can't you see that if we fall to New Jersey, California is next?"
Schwarzenegger: "No, because Utah is between Colorado and California."
Randy: "Fine. Well, when Utah gets taken over by New Jersey, then who's next?"
Schwarzenegger: "Nevada."
Randy: "Oh really? Okay Mr. 'I'm Awesome at Geography'!"

Towelie had a girlfriend he really liked. Then she got pregnant and had a little wash cloth.

Is that something I'd want to do? Is the Pope Catholic and making the world safe for pedophiles?

Stan: "Dude,it actually wasn't a dolphin and a whale who bombed hiroshima, it was the..."
Cartman: "Dude, they won't rest until whoever is responsible is completely wiped out!"

Stan: "I know what did cause the flood."
Kyle: "George Bush?"
Stan: "No!"
Kyle: "Terrorists?"
Stan: "No!"
Kyle: "Communists?"
Stan: "Nein!"
Kyle: "Chinese radicals"
Stan: "Nein!"
Kyle: "Cartman?"
Stan: "Sort of..."

Stan: "Dude, we don't have any musical talent."
Cartman: "That didn't stop any of the other boy bands, dumbass!"

We're trying to find the Brown Noise, it's this one pitch, this certain frequency, that makes people loose bowel control.

Stan: "We're not getting on, you ugly bitch!"
Ms. Crabtree: "What did you say?!"
Stan: "I said, we're not getting on, you ugly bitch!"
Ms. Crabtree: "Oh, all right then."
Kyle: "Woah, dude.'"
Stan: "I always wondered if that would work."

Stan: "Oh, my God, they killed Kenny."
Kyle: "You bastards!"

Stan: "What the hell are you doing?"
Cartman: "My mom said lesbians lick carpet."

Woah, that is one fudged-up little cracker!

Mr. Garrison: "Where are you from?"
Damien: "The Seventh Layer of Hell."
Mr. Garrison: "Oh, my mother was from Alabama."

I've learned something today. You can't win all the time. If you don't win, you can't hold it against the person who did. Because that's the only way you ever really lose.

Stan: "That fat bitch won't let us."
Ms. Crabtee: "What did you say?!"
Stan: "I said that rabbits eat lettuce."

Cartman: "Have you seen this trick? When someone's sleeping, you can take a glass of warm water, and when you put their hand in it..."
Stan: "And then what?"
Cartman: "...and then you pee on them!"

I've never heard the words "only" and "candy" in the same sentence before.

I'm not high! I haven't been high since Wednesday. Oh, oh it is Wednesday?

Towelie: "I can't remember. It all looks the same. Hang on, let me get high. Then I'll remember where it is."
Stan: "Alright, so where is it?"
Towelie: "Where's what?"

Cartman: "You just have no long term memory because you get high all the time."
Towelie: "Don't preach to me, fatso."

All I think about is all the problems our generation is inheriting. Climate change, over fishing, Kyle... I mean, how are we supposed to get happy about anything?

I'm not gonna be confused anymore just because you say I should be! My name is Butters, I'm eight years old, I'm blood type O, and I'm bi-curious! And even that's okay! Because if I'm bi-curious, and I'm somehow made from God, then I think your God must be a little bi-curious himself!

Mr Garrison: "What is 5x2? Come on, children. Don't be shy, just give it your best shot. Yes, Clyde?"
Clyde: "12?"
Mr Garrison: "Okay, now let's try to get an answer from someone who's not a complete retard."

Wilson Aubry: "You victimize innocent people and poop in little girls' mouths."
Eric Cartman: "That's not true, Wilson. We're Coon and Friends, not Harvey Weinstein."