Do you know what love is, Scott? I'll tell you one thing, it's not the happy ending that Disney movies promised us. There's no 'happily ever after'. There's just work and anger and pain and more work, and then, every once in a while, a little bit of fun.- Eric Cartman in South Park, Season 23 Episode 9
Well yeah, and I'm sad. But at the same time, I'm really happy that something can make me feel that sad. It's like, it makes me feel alive. You know? It makes me feel human. The only way I can feel this sad now, is if I felt something really good before. So I have to take the bad with the good. So I guess what I'm feeling is like a beautfiul sadness.- Butters Stotch in South Park, Season 7 Episode 14Breakup & Lovesick, Grief
Mr Garrison: 'What is 5x2? Come on, children. Don't be shy, just give it your best shot. Yes, Clyde?'
Mr Garrison: 'Okay, now let's try to get an answer from someone who's not a complete retard.'
A blowjob isn't with your mouth, it's with your heart. Now get on your knees and put that heart to work.- Randy Marsh in South Park, Season 15 Episode 11
When a chick says we need to talk, you might as well start punching yourself in the balls, dude.- Eric Cartman in South Park, Season 14 Episode 10
Randy: 'Can't you see that if we fall to New Jersey, California is next?'
Schwarzenegger: 'No, because Utah is between Colorado and California.'
Randy: 'Fine. Well, when Utah gets taken over by New Jersey, then who's next?'
Randy: 'Oh really? Okay Mr. 'I'm Awesome at Geography'!'
Is that something I'd want to do? Is the Pope Catholic and making the world safe for pedophiles?- Eric Cartman in South Park, Season 14 Episode 3
Mr. Stotch: 'Butters, away from the window, you're being grounded.'
Butters: 'Sorry dad. I was just being the voice of a generation.'
Do you know what happened to the last people Germans were pissed off at? Tell him, Kyle!- Eric Cartman in South Park, Season 15 Episode 2
Stan: 'Dude,it actually wasn't a dolphin and a whale who bombed hiroshima, it was the...'
Cartman: 'Dude, they won't rest until whoever is responsible is completely wiped out!'
Stan: 'Rings that say they not gonna have sex or doing anything naughty anymore.'
Butters: 'A ring that says you'll be together but not have sex... isn't that called the wedding ring?'
Statistically speaking, the most bacteria-ridden place on the planet is the mouth of an American woman.- Eric Cartman in South Park, Season 13 Episode 1
Cartman: 'Went to sleep in my mom's car in the garage with the engine turned on.'
Stan: 'You didn't die?'
Cartman: 'Freakin' hybrids, man. They just don't do the trick anymore.'
Haven't Luke Skywalker and Santa Claus affected your lives more than most real people in this room? I mean, whether Jesus is real or not, he's had a bigger impact on the world than any of us have. And the same could be said of Bugs Bunny... and Superman and Harry Potter. They've changed my life, changed the way I act on the Earth. Doesn't that make them kind of real?- Kyle Broflovski in South Park, Season 11 Episode 12Faith, Imagination
Terrorist: 'America had other enemies before the Muslims, you know? Who is America's oldest enemy?'
Cartman: 'The Russians?'
Terrorist: 'Before that!'
Cartman: 'The Germans?'
Terrorist: 'Before that.'
Cartman: 'The Germans again?'
The only way to fight hate is with even more hate!- Eric Cartman in South Park, Season 9 Episode 11
I love life. Yeah, I'm sad, but at the same time, I'm really happy that something could make me feel that sad. It's like... it makes me feel alive, you know. It makes me feel human. The only way I could feel this sad now is if I felt something really good before. So I have to take the bad with the good. So I guess what I'm feeling is like a beautiful sadness.- in South Park, Season 7 Episode 14Life, Breakup & Lovesick, Grief
Cartman: 'Have you seen this trick? When someone's sleeping, you can take a glass of warm water, and when you put their hand in it...'
Stan: 'And then what?'
Cartman: '...and then you pee on them!'
Kyle: 'No, dude! You're supposed to put their hand in warm water to make THEM pee!'
Cartman: 'Really? Oh well.'
I can't lose weight, Butters, because I'm not fat, I'm big-boned. You can't slim down bones, stupid!- Eric Cartman in South Park, Season 6 Episode 1
Officer Barbrady, let's pretend for one second that we had a competent law enforcement officer in this town. What would he do?- Mayor McDaniels in South Park, Season 2 Episode 2
Cartman: 'I'm not the one walking around all day like Pippi Longstocking.'
Stan: 'Well, at least my mom isn't on the cover of Crack Whore magazine.'
Ready, Ike? Kick the baby!- Kyle Broflovski in South Park, Season 1 Episode 1
Stan: 'I know what did cause the flood.'
Kyle: 'George Bush?'
Kyle: 'Chinese radicals'
Stan: 'Sort of...'
Stan: 'Dude, I wonder where Kyle is.'
Cartman: 'Maybe he caught a disease and died, that'd be so awesome.'
Stan: 'Dude that's not funny, you shouldn't joke about that.'
Cartman: 'Who's joking?'
Mr. Garrison: 'Then maybe you can tell me who was in charge of the feminist movement of the early sixties.'
Eric Cartman: 'A bunch of fat old skanks on their periods?'
Mr. Garrison: 'Right, but who was the fattest oldest skank on her period?'
Teacher: 'You think art is not important?'
Stan: 'Well, art is just kinda for gaywads.'
Butters: 'I love our class!'
Chefkoch: 'Well, if you want him to get really fat as fast as possible, one of you will have to marry him.'
Stan: 'Marry him?'
Chefkoch: 'It definitely worked for every woman i ever met.'
What's the matter, you got some sand in your vagina?- Eric Cartman in South Park, Season 5 Episode 2
But, years from now, when you're old and have children of your own, what would you give to come back and fight this one day? This one day, where you could have made a difference. Where you could've told Scott Tenorman: 'You may take our pride, but you will never take my god damn $16.12!'- Eric Cartman in South Park, Season 5 Episode 1
Stan: 'Dude, we don't have any musical talent.'
Cartman: 'That didn't stop any of the other boy bands, dumbass!'
Mr. Garrison: 'Oh, for Pete's sake! What've you bastards done now?!'
Cartman: 'Hey! That was Kyle that went number two in urinal!'
Kyle: 'No, it wasn't, fatass... I saw you do it!'
We're trying to find the Brown Noise, it's this one pitch, this certain frequency, that makes people loose bowel control.- Eric Cartman in South Park, Season 3 Episode 17
Chefkoch: 'Why 'oh oh'?'
Gerald Brovlovski: 'Chef, that's Johnny Cochran. He's the one that got O.J. off.'
Chefkoch: 'Oh oh...'
Officer Barbrady: 'Well just as soon as I handle all the other crime in South Park, I'm gonna go with you to the planetarium, so I can prove that nothing's wrong.'
Stan: 'What other crime in South Park?'
Officer Barbrady: 'Oh yeah... let's go.'
Stuart McCormick: 'We don't have a Nintendo, we got a calico-vision plugged into the black and white TV.'
Kyle: 'Oh my god, this is like a third world country.'
Kyle: 'It's Mr. Hanky! I think he's in some kind of trouble.'
Stan: 'Dude, how do you tell if a piece of poo is in trouble?'
A summer without fireworks sucks ass.- Stan Marsh in South Park, Season 2 Episode 8
If you so much as touch Kitty's ass, I'll put firecrackers in your nut sack, and blow your balls all over your pants!- Eric Cartman in South Park, Season 2 Episode 8
Kyle: 'Scary monsters don't eat big, fat, smelly bitches.'
Mrs. Crabtree: 'What did you say?!'
Kyle: 'I said, Larry King won't grant me 3 wishes!'
Stan: 'We're not getting on, you ugly bitch!'
Ms. Crabtree: 'What did you say?!'
Stan: 'I said, we're not getting on, you ugly bitch!'
Ms. Crabtree: 'Oh, all right then.'
Kyle: 'Woah, dude.''
Stan: 'I always wondered if that would work.'
Stan: 'Oh, my God, they killed Kenny.'
Kyle: 'You bastards!'
Stan: 'What the hell are you doing?'
Cartman: 'My mom said lesbians lick carpet.'
Cartman: 'I sneaked around my mom's closet and saw what I'm getting: the Ultra Vibe Pleasure 2000.'
Stan: 'What's that?'
Cartman: 'I don't know, but it sounds sweet.'
Woah, that is one fudged-up little cracker!- Chef in South Park, Season 1 Episode 10