Quotes by Sheldon Cooper (Big Bang Theory)

Physics answers the question, 'What is the nature of the universe?' Geology answers the question, 'What'd I just trip over?'

The average American consumes 55 pounds of beef per year. And then there's Texas, where we can knock that off in a couple of months. Maybe faster if we're talking about smoked brisket.

George: 'Everybody knows you pun on fourth down.'
Sheldon: 'Why does everybody knowing something make it right?'
George: 'Because... that's what makes this country great.'
Sheldon: 'Many years later, my brother would use the same argument in front of a judge. He was still convicted for urinating in a phone booth.'

I don't need a calculator, dad. I am one.

In Texas, the holy trinity is God, Football and barbecue. Not necessarily in that order.

Science fact: Sisters are the worst.

I actually enjoyed being alone, solitude allowed me to think about important things.

Jane Goodall had to go to Africa to study the apes. I just had to go to dinner.

Of course, nobody I knew in East-Texas in 1989 cared about Newtonian Physics. The only Newtons they cared about were Wayne and Fig.

This seat is ideally located both in relation to the heat source in the winter and a cross breeze in the summer. It also faces the television at a direct angle allowing me to immerse myself in entertainment or game play without being subjected to conversation. As a result, I've placed it in a state of eternal dibs.

'See you in hell Sheldon'? The most frightening thing about that is the missing comma!

Rajesh: 'I don't know if I want to play anymore.'
Sheldon: 'Because you don't have a girlfriend? Well, good Lord, if that becomes a reason not to play Dungeons & Dragons, this game's in serious trouble.'

Sheldon: 'I'm quite aware of the way humans usually reproduce, which is messy, unsanitary, and based on living next to you for three years, involves loud and unnecessary appeals to a deity.'
Penny: 'Oh God!'
Sheldon: 'Yes, exactly.'

Leonard: 'I don't think I can go out with her tonight.'
Sheldon: 'Then don't.'
Leonard: 'Other people would say, 'Why not?''
Sheldon: 'Other people might be interested.'

Penny: 'Leonard isn't the kind of guy I usually go out with.'
Sheldon: 'Leonard isn't the kind of guy anyone usually goes out with.'

My expenses account for 46.9% of my after-tax income. The rest is divvied up between a small savings account, this deceptive container of peanut brittle and the hollowed-out buttocks of a superhero action figure who shall remain nameless for his own protection... or HER own protection.

Leonard: 'Penny's taking you to the DMV, I'm going to bed.'
Sheldon: 'Why Penny?'
Leonard: 'Because rock breaks scissors.'

You tell people I'm a rocket scientist? My God! Why don't you just tell them that I'm a toll-taker at the Golden Gate Bridge?

Howard: 'Don't you think I should answer the engineering questions? I am an engineer.'
Sheldon: 'By that logic I should answer all the anthropology questions because I'm a mammal.'

Sheldon: 'Well, once, when I was 15, spending the summer at the Heidelberg Institute in Germany.'
Penny: 'Studying abroad?'
Sheldon: 'No. Visiting professor. Anyway, the local cuisine was a little more sausage-based than I'm used to. And the result was an internal Blitzkrieg, with my lower intestine playing the part of Czechoslovakia.'

Leonard: 'Sheldon, relax! She doesn't have any symptoms, I'm sure she's not contagious.'
Sheldon: 'Oh, please! If influenza was only contagious after symptoms appear, it would have died out thousands of years ago. Somewhere between tool using and cave painting, homo habilis would have figured out how to kill the guy with the runny nose.'

Penny: 'You'll never guess what just happened.'
Sheldon: 'I don't guess. As a scientist, I reach conclusions based on observation and experimentation. Although it occurs to me, you may have been employing a rhetorical device - rendering my response moot.'

She is cheating. No one can be that attractive and this skilled at a video game.

Sheldon: 'What are we doing here?'
Leonard: 'We're socializing, meeting new people.'
Sheldon: 'Telepathically?'

Oh, gravity, thou art a heartless bitch!

We dont need Wolowitz! Engineering is merely the slower younger brother of physics. Watch and learn! Do either of you know how to open the toolbox?

I'm sorry, but I'm not going to watch 'The Clone Wars' TV series, until I've seen 'The Clone Wars' movie. I prefer to let George Lucas disappoint me in the order he intended.

Leonard: 'I've dated plenty of women. There was Joyce Kim... Leslie Winkle...'
Sheldon: 'Notify the editors of the Oxford English Dictionary. The word 'plenty' has been redefined to mean 'two.''

Leonard: 'Sheldon, how could you just sit there and let them spy on me?'
Sheldon: 'They were clever, Leonard. They exploited my complete lack of interest in what you were doing.'

Leonard: 'The key to acquiring proficiency in any task is repetition.'
Sheldon: '...with certain obvious exceptions. Suicide for example!'

Penny: 'Four years I lived with him! Four years, I mean that's like as long as high school!'
Sheldon: 'It took you four years to get through high school?!'

Smart? I'd have to lose 60 IQ points to be classified as smart.

Everybody's got a date. Even you, Mario, going after Princess Peach. And what am I doing? I'm just enabling you.

Engineering - where the semi-skilled laborers execute the vision of those who think and dream. Hello Oompa-Loompas of science!

You're asking me to use my superior intellect in a tawdry competition. Would you ask Picasso to play Pictionary? Would you ask Noah Webster to play Boggle? Would you ask Jacques Cousteau to play Go Fish?

Leonard: 'Well, do you have any ideas?'
Sheldon: 'Yeah, but they all involve a Green Lantern and a power ring.'

I've spent the past three-and-a-half years staring at greaseboards full of equations; before that, I spent four years working on my thesis; before that, I was in college, and before that... I was in the fifth grade.

Well, at least now you can retrieve the black box from the twisted, smoldering wreckage that was once your fantasy of dating her and analyze the data so you don't crash into Geek Mountain again.

If you have time to lean, you have time to clean.

Leonard: 'For God's sake, Sheldon, do I have to... hold up a sarcasm sign every time I open my mouth?'
Sheldon: 'You have a sarcasm sign?'

Sheldon: 'You do understand that our efforts here will in no way increase the odds of having sexual congress with this woman?'
Leonard: 'Men do things for women without expecting sex.'
Sheldon: 'Those would be men who just had sex.'