The best Quotes by Seth MacFarlane

I'm wide open to getting married, but actors are not easy people to date. You end up sharing that person with this other mistress that is their career. I very much like the traditional courtship method of making a date. That's what they do in normal places, but Hollywood's not normal.

'The Brady Bunch' asks nothing of you as a viewer. Sometimes is just what the doctor ordered.

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Kidnapper: "You guys watch the main cabin, I will find them. I'll take that fat guy as a human shield."
Peter: "Oh, nice, last guy picked for dodgeball, first guy for human shield."

Peter Griffin in Family Guy - Season 15 Episode 10

Fat People

'Okay, nobody move!"
Cleveland: "Oh my god, those guys in first class have guns."
Peter: "Cleveland, just be happy with what you have. Don't envy people!"

Peter Griffin in Family Guy - Season 15 Episode 10

Peter: "Well, I got the results of your ultrasound and I got some news for ya."
Pregnant Woman: "Wait, wait, wait, we don't wanna if it's a boy or a girl."
Peter: "Oh, okay. Well, IT's not breathing."

Peter Griffin in Family Guy - Season 14 Episode 2

Lois: "You're drunk again!"
Peter: "No, I'm just exhausted 'cause I've been up all night drinking."

Peter Griffin in Family Guy - Season 2 Episode 20

Lois: "Oh, my God! You can only play the piano when you're drunk!"
Peter: "That's not true! I can also vomit, fall down and make dirty calls to your sister when I'm drunk!"

Peter Griffin in Family Guy - Season 2 Episode 20

Alcohol

Chris: "Now you just take that beautiful hair down to the salon, and you'll be a ten."
Stewie: "On a scale of a billion?"

Stewie Griffin in Family Guy - Season 17 Episode 13

My God, it's finally happened. He's become so massive he's collapsed into himself like a neutron star.

Stewie Griffin in Family Guy - Season 2 Episode 17

You're the worst thing to happen to musical theater since Andrew Lloyd Webber.

Stewie Griffin in Family Guy - Season 2 Episode 7

Andrew Lloyd Webber

Brian: "Hey Stewie, how do ya not know about trick-or-treating?!"
Stewie: "How do YOU not know that your reflection on your mirror is not another dog?"

Stewie Griffin in Family Guy

Ouh, that's gotta hurt worse than getting a birthday telegram from Zinédine Zidane.

Stewie Griffin in Family Guy

Zinedine Zidane

John: "That's great! I mean, just like Sam L. Jackson."
Sam: "Who is that?"
Ted: "You ever seen any movie ever? He's the black guy."

Ted in Ted

Ted: "Some women just have 'f me'-eyes."
Sam: "Do I have 'f*ck me'-eyes?"
Ted: "No, you have 'Give me the ring, my precious'-eyes."

Ted in Ted

Gollum

Manager: "You had sexual intercourse with a co-worker on top of the produce that we sell to the public."
Ted: "I f*cked her with a parsnip last week. And I sold the parsnip to a family with four small children."
Manager: "That took guts. We need guts. I'm promoting you."
Ted: "You got a lot of problems, don't you?"

Ted in Ted

Norah Jones: "You did well for a guy with no dick."
Ted: "Yeah, you have no idea, how many angry letters I have written to Hasbro about that!"

Ted in Ted

No matter how big a splash you make in this world whether you're Corey Feldman, Frankie Muniz, Justin Bieber or a talking teddy bear, eventually, nobody gives a shit.

Narrator in Ted

Justin Bieber Miley Cyrus Macaulay Culkin

Oh, I love your religion... for the crazy! Virgin birth. Water into wine. It's like Harry Potter, but it causes genocide and bad folk music.

Roger the Alien in American Dad! - Season 5 Episode 9

Christianity Quotes about Harry Potter

In a hundred years, when there’s a million jerks riding around Manhattan drunk in limos, the west will seem like a paradise.

Roger the Alien in American Dad! - Season 12 Episode 22

Quagmire: "You got to help me. I'm looking for a little boy with red overalls and a yellow shirt."
French Man: "You are looking to buy or to rent?"
Quagmire: "What? No! God! How is Paris considered a classy city?"
French Man: "The buildings are beautiful, the people are trash."

Glenn Quagmire in Family Guy

Paris

Peter: "How can I be a DJ? I'm just a guy with a laptop and an inflated self-image."
Quagmire: "Trust me, you're perfect!"

Glenn Quagmire in Family Guy - Season 15 Episode 12

How come you Eastern European guys can't be quiter in p*rnos? I mean, nobody has ever been like, 'yeah, yeah, more guy noises!'

Glenn Quagmire in Family Guy - Season 15 Episode 10

Chris, this is a big day for you. Today you become the man of the house, because when we get home, your mother is going to kill me.

Peter Griffin in Family Guy - Season 1 Episode 3

I've got an idea. An idea so smart that my head would explode, if I even began to know what I'm talking about.

Peter Griffin in Family Guy

Guns don't kill people, people kill people! Guns defend people against people with smaller guns.

Stan Smith in American Dad! - Season 1 Episode 14

Weapons NRA

There's an old German saying: 'Don't blame the fish!' There are other sayings, but they mostly involve genocide...

Klaus Heisler in American Dad!

Gummi Bears?! He replaced my bullets with Gummi Bears from the mini bar... that's gonna cost me $7!

Stan Smith in American Dad! - Season 10 Episode 11

A real New York hotel! How many Wall Street bankers have had their first prostitute here?

Francine Smith in American Dad! - Season 10 Episode 14

Stan, we can't have a grown woman acting like a child in our house. This ain't no Disney Channel.

Francine Smith in American Dad! - Season 11 Episode 3

Every single one of us is shaped by the totality of our relationships. People we love and people we hate. All make their mark.

Kelly Grayson in The Orville - Season 2

The history of moral progress can be measured by the expansion of fundamental rights to those who have been denied them.

The Orville - Season 2

I don't know how the food synthesizers are going to replicate enough wine for two Kellys.

Kelly Grayson in The Orville - Season 2

Ed Mercer: "So... it's an anti-banana ray?"
Kelly Grayson: "It's really interesting."
Ed Mercer: "We need no longer fear the banana."
Kelly Grayson: "Does it work on all fruit?"
Ed Mercer: "What about salads?"

Ed Mercer in The Orville - Season 1 Episode 1

Kelly: "This is going to sound like I'm talking out of my ass."
Isaac: "Then, please try to enunciate."

The Orville - Season 1 Episode 10

The 'mecca of college basketball is in Storrs, Connecticut.

Jim Nantz

Connecticut

Canaan? Is your mom religious or just super into towns of Connecticut?

Whitney Chase in The Sex Lives of College Girls - Season 1 Episode 1

Connecticut

Science without religion is lame. Religion without science is blind.

Albert Einstein

Religion Science

Well, the way things are going, aside from wheat and auto parts, America's biggest export is now the Oscar.

Billy Crystal

Oscars

Lois: "You've never even had a boyfriend more than a few weeks."
Meg: "I have two, remember when I dated the Count?"
Count Count: "One nipple. Two nipples. Three nip- oh, hell no! I'm outta here!"

Meg Griffin in Family Guy

Roger: "I once survived four days in a Del Taco parking lot extracting life-saving nutrients from puddles and bird shit."
Steve: "Why didn't you just go into the Del Taco?"
Roger: "I'm a Taco Bell man."

Stan Smith in American Dad! - Season 11 Episode 15

I’m gonna go hit the sack, and then probably go to bed.

Steve Smith in American Dad!

The best Quotes by Seth MacFarlane

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