The resistance to science is idiotic.
I can't believe I am hosting the Oscars. It's an honor everyone else said no.
If something is shocking without being funny it's hard to justify.
I'm wide open to getting married, but actors are not easy people to date. You end up sharing that person with this other mistress that is their career. I very much like the traditional courtship method of making a date. That's what they do in normal places, but Hollywood's not normal.
'The Brady Bunch' asks nothing of you as a viewer. Sometimes is just what the doctor ordered.
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Kidnapper: "You guys watch the main cabin, I will find them. I'll take that fat guy as a human shield."
Peter: "Oh, nice, last guy picked for dodgeball, first guy for human shield."
Peter: "Oh, nice, last guy picked for dodgeball, first guy for human shield."
Peter Griffin in Family Guy - Season 15 Episode 10
'Okay, nobody move!"
Cleveland: "Oh my god, those guys in first class have guns."
Peter: "Cleveland, just be happy with what you have. Don't envy people!"
Cleveland: "Oh my god, those guys in first class have guns."
Peter: "Cleveland, just be happy with what you have. Don't envy people!"
Peter Griffin in Family Guy - Season 15 Episode 10
1Peter: "Well, I got the results of your ultrasound and I got some news for ya."
Pregnant Woman: "Wait, wait, wait, we don't wanna if it's a boy or a girl."
Peter: "Oh, okay. Well, IT's not breathing."
Pregnant Woman: "Wait, wait, wait, we don't wanna if it's a boy or a girl."
Peter: "Oh, okay. Well, IT's not breathing."
Peter Griffin in Family Guy - Season 14 Episode 2
Lois: "You're drunk again!"
Peter: "No, I'm just exhausted 'cause I've been up all night drinking."
Peter: "No, I'm just exhausted 'cause I've been up all night drinking."
Peter Griffin in Family Guy - Season 2 Episode 20
1Lois: "Oh, my God! You can only play the piano when you're drunk!"
Peter: "That's not true! I can also vomit, fall down and make dirty calls to your sister when I'm drunk!"
Peter: "That's not true! I can also vomit, fall down and make dirty calls to your sister when I'm drunk!"
Peter Griffin in Family Guy - Season 2 Episode 20
1Chris: "Now you just take that beautiful hair down to the salon, and you'll be a ten."
Stewie: "On a scale of a billion?"
Stewie: "On a scale of a billion?"
Stewie Griffin in Family Guy - Season 17 Episode 13
My God, it's finally happened. He's become so massive he's collapsed into himself like a neutron star.
Stewie Griffin in Family Guy - Season 2 Episode 17
1You're the worst thing to happen to musical theater since Andrew Lloyd Webber.
Stewie Griffin in Family Guy - Season 2 Episode 7
1Brian: "Hey Stewie, how do ya not know about trick-or-treating?!"
Stewie: "How do YOU not know that your reflection on your mirror is not another dog?"
Stewie: "How do YOU not know that your reflection on your mirror is not another dog?"
Ouh, that's gotta hurt worse than getting a birthday telegram from Zinédine Zidane.
John: "That's great! I mean, just like Sam L. Jackson."
Sam: "Who is that?"
Ted: "You ever seen any movie ever? He's the black guy."
Sam: "Who is that?"
Ted: "You ever seen any movie ever? He's the black guy."
Ted in Ted
Ted: "Some women just have 'f me'-eyes."
Sam: "Do I have 'f*ck me'-eyes?"
Ted: "No, you have 'Give me the ring, my precious'-eyes."
Sam: "Do I have 'f*ck me'-eyes?"
Ted: "No, you have 'Give me the ring, my precious'-eyes."
Manager: "You had sexual intercourse with a co-worker on top of the produce that we sell to the public."
Ted: "I f*cked her with a parsnip last week. And I sold the parsnip to a family with four small children."
Manager: "That took guts. We need guts. I'm promoting you."
Ted: "You got a lot of problems, don't you?"
Ted: "I f*cked her with a parsnip last week. And I sold the parsnip to a family with four small children."
Manager: "That took guts. We need guts. I'm promoting you."
Ted: "You got a lot of problems, don't you?"
Ted in Ted
1Norah Jones: "You did well for a guy with no dick."
Ted: "Yeah, you have no idea, how many angry letters I have written to Hasbro about that!"
Ted: "Yeah, you have no idea, how many angry letters I have written to Hasbro about that!"
Ted in Ted
No matter how big a splash you make in this world whether you're Corey Feldman, Frankie Muniz, Justin Bieber or a talking teddy bear, eventually, nobody gives a shit.
Narrator in Ted
2Oh, I love your religion... for the crazy! Virgin birth. Water into wine. It's like Harry Potter, but it causes genocide and bad folk music.
Roger the Alien in American Dad! - Season 5 Episode 9
In a hundred years, when there’s a million jerks riding around Manhattan drunk in limos, the west will seem like a paradise.
Roger the Alien in American Dad! - Season 12 Episode 22
Quagmire: "You got to help me. I'm looking for a little boy with red overalls and a yellow shirt."
French Man: "You are looking to buy or to rent?"
Quagmire: "What? No! God! How is Paris considered a classy city?"
French Man: "The buildings are beautiful, the people are trash."
French Man: "You are looking to buy or to rent?"
Quagmire: "What? No! God! How is Paris considered a classy city?"
French Man: "The buildings are beautiful, the people are trash."
Peter: "How can I be a DJ? I'm just a guy with a laptop and an inflated self-image."
Quagmire: "Trust me, you're perfect!"
Quagmire: "Trust me, you're perfect!"
Glenn Quagmire in Family Guy - Season 15 Episode 12
How come you Eastern European guys can't be quiter in p*rnos? I mean, nobody has ever been like, 'yeah, yeah, more guy noises!'
Glenn Quagmire in Family Guy - Season 15 Episode 10
Chris, this is a big day for you. Today you become the man of the house, because when we get home, your mother is going to kill me.
Peter Griffin in Family Guy - Season 1 Episode 3
I've got an idea. An idea so smart that my head would explode, if I even began to know what I'm talking about.
Guns don't kill people, people kill people! Guns defend people against people with smaller guns.
Stan Smith in American Dad! - Season 1 Episode 14
1There's an old German saying: 'Don't blame the fish!' There are other sayings, but they mostly involve genocide...
Gummi Bears?! He replaced my bullets with Gummi Bears from the mini bar... that's gonna cost me $7!
Stan Smith in American Dad! - Season 10 Episode 11
A real New York hotel! How many Wall Street bankers have had their first prostitute here?
Francine Smith in American Dad! - Season 10 Episode 14
Stan, we can't have a grown woman acting like a child in our house. This ain't no Disney Channel.
Francine Smith in American Dad! - Season 11 Episode 3
Every single one of us is shaped by the totality of our relationships. People we love and people we hate. All make their mark.
Kelly Grayson in The Orville - Season 2
The history of moral progress can be measured by the expansion of fundamental rights to those who have been denied them.
The Orville - Season 2
I don't know how the food synthesizers are going to replicate enough wine for two Kellys.
Kelly Grayson in The Orville - Season 2
Ed Mercer: "So... it's an anti-banana ray?"
Kelly Grayson: "It's really interesting."
Ed Mercer: "We need no longer fear the banana."
Kelly Grayson: "Does it work on all fruit?"
Ed Mercer: "What about salads?"
Kelly Grayson: "It's really interesting."
Ed Mercer: "We need no longer fear the banana."
Kelly Grayson: "Does it work on all fruit?"
Ed Mercer: "What about salads?"
Ed Mercer in The Orville - Season 1 Episode 1
Kelly: "This is going to sound like I'm talking out of my ass."
Isaac: "Then, please try to enunciate."
Isaac: "Then, please try to enunciate."
The Orville - Season 1 Episode 10
The 'mecca of college basketball is in Storrs, Connecticut.
Canaan? Is your mom religious or just super into towns of Connecticut?
Whitney Chase in The Sex Lives of College Girls - Season 1 Episode 1
Well, the way things are going, aside from wheat and auto parts, America's biggest export is now the Oscar.
Lois: "You've never even had a boyfriend more than a few weeks."
Meg: "I have two, remember when I dated the Count?"
Count Count: "One nipple. Two nipples. Three nip- oh, hell no! I'm outta here!"
Meg: "I have two, remember when I dated the Count?"
Count Count: "One nipple. Two nipples. Three nip- oh, hell no! I'm outta here!"
Roger: "I once survived four days in a Del Taco parking lot extracting life-saving nutrients from puddles and bird shit."
Steve: "Why didn't you just go into the Del Taco?"
Roger: "I'm a Taco Bell man."
Steve: "Why didn't you just go into the Del Taco?"
Roger: "I'm a Taco Bell man."
Stan Smith in American Dad! - Season 11 Episode 15
I’m gonna go hit the sack, and then probably go to bed.
Peter Griffin
Stewie Griffin
Ted
Roger the Alien
Family Guy
American Dad!
Connecticut
Science