Quotes from Seinfeld

George: "She calls me up at my office. She says, 'We have to talk.'"
Jerry: "Ugh. The four worst words in the English language."
George: "That or 'Whose bra is this?'"
Jerry: "That's worse."

Breaking up is like knocking over a Coke machine. You can't do it in one push; you gotta rock it back and forth a few times and then it goes over.

Why is nice bad? What kind of a sick society are we living in when nice is bad?

I spend so much time trying to get their clothes off, I never thought of taking mine off.

Women don't respect salad eaters.

Borrowing money from a friend is like having sex. It just completely changes the relationship.

This woman hates me so much, I’m starting to like her.

George: "Why do they make the condom packets so hard to open?"
Jerry: "Probably to give the woman a chance to change her mind."

Mr. Peterman: "Elaine, can you keep a secret?"
Elaine: "No sir, I can't."

George: "You're gonna over-dry your laundry."
Jerry: "You can't over-dry."
George: "Why not?"
Jerry: "Same reason you can't over-wet."

George: "You've got to apologize."
Jerry: "Why?"
George: "Because it's the mature and adult thing to do."
Jerry: "How does that affect me?"

I’m not a lesbian. I hate men, but I’m not a lesbian.

That’s the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me.

I have a bad feeling that whenever a lesbian looks at me they think 'That’s why I’m not a heterosexual.'