The best Quotes by Ronny Chieng

You're gonna move the ocean into the desert? That is the stupidest thing I've ever heard, unless they do it while Burning Man is happening. In which case, go for it. Please take a bath, you dirty hippies!

I love getting in a Halloween spirit. I buy candy, and when trick-or-treaters come to my door, I eat it in their faces, to show that nothing in life is free!

The Daily Show

Halloween

Do you know how bad that coffee has to be to to be considered a health risk in New York? This is the same city where pizza gets delivered by a rat!

The Daily Show

New York City

If you wanna spend money to have a shitty night, just go on a Tinder date: "Oh, wow. That's so interesting. I've never met anyone who likes to travel before."

The Daily Show

Tinder

The Metaverse is being made by Microsoft and Facebook, so you know it's gonna be boring as sh-t.

The Daily Show

Virtual Reality

Close contact with disgusting creatures that may touch you? That's not a haunted house. That's a sleepover at Jeffrey Epstein's place.

The Daily Show

Jeffrey Epstein

Don't point fingers on the internet, because the internet will finger you right back.

The Daily Show

Internet

They're tricking kids into building their own playground. And I gotta tell you, this exact same thing happened to me back home in Asia, and by the time we were done "playing", we had finished a whole new line of Nike's.

The Daily Show

Nike

The only way the army should use Fortnite is to drop it on Isis. Then they'll start playing it 20 hours a day, and we'll have won the War on Terror and that's when we really get to dance.

The Daily Show - June 2023

Fortnite

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If you start deporting every shady looking guy with questionable tattoos, who's gonna go to Jets games?

Jordan Klepper in The Daily Show

New York Jets

Spotify, the app with the entire history of recorded music that you only use to listen to four songs that you liked in high school.

Trevor Noah in The Daily Show - The Truth Behind Music Streaming

Spotify

You don't need to show up like a SWAT Team to rescue a Barbie from a little girl. If anything, you should be rescuing the little girl from the Barbie. Should be getting there like, "little girl, watch out! That Barbie can give you a warped sense of what a woman's body is supposed to be!"

Trevor Noah in The Daily Show - June 2020

Barbie

Regardless of our differences, this was still New York. A melting pot crammed onto an island, then pushed into a subway car with a rat eating pizza. You're not left or right. You're a New f*cking Yorker and we're in this together.

Jordan Klepper in The Daily Show - Debates Anti-Vax Mandate Protesters in NYC

New York City

Klepper: "What does that mean, 'Their DNA is wiped out'?"
Anti-Vax protester: "Like, their immunity is getting wiped out."
Klepper: "Okay, 'cause COVID wiped out 600.000 DNAs."
Anti-Vax protester: "Yes, of course!"

Jordan Klepper in The Daily Show - Debates Anti-Vax Mandate Protesters in NYC

Vaccines

All the teams in the NBA will not be playing basketball on Election Day. And the Knicks were like, "Oh, no problem we don't play basketball every day, that's just what we do."

Trevor Noah in The Daily Show - August 2022

New York Knicks

The NBA has announced that they will not be playing any games on election day and instead will encourage their fans to go and vote. I will say though, not to sound cynical but, if the Timberwolves game is what was keeping you from voting maybe... yeah.

Trevor Noah in The Daily Show - August 2022

Minnesota Timberwolves

I know Liberals and Conservatives don't agree on much. But can we agree that you should not own a gun, if you don't know how to poop in a potty?

Jordan Klepper in The Daily Show - April 2023

NRA

Trump Supporter: "It's an American ideal that we treat women with respect."
Klepper: "You gotta give me the back of that shirt one more time, that's too much fun."
Trump Supporter: "Trump that b*tch!"
Klepper: "Ha ha, we don't even see the irony of it... I love it."

Jordan Klepper in The Daily Show - Trump Supporter Ideology Test

Trump Supporter: "The regular couple... they work so hard, you know, and the gay couple they want more."
Klepper: "When you say 'more', do you mean 'equal'?"
Trump Supporter: "Yeah, they want equal."
Klepper: "And that's just too much?"

Jordan Klepper in The Daily Show - Trump Supporter Ideology Test

Trump Supporter: "The presidency is a man's job. A female has more hormones. She could start a war in 10 seconds."
Klepper: "Haven't all wars been started by men?"

Jordan Klepper in The Daily Show - Trump Supporter Ideology Test

Crypto is crashing even harder, with Bitcoin plummeting 67% from its high, which I found really interesting. Because for, like, the past ten years, every single crypto bro I've met has told me that crypto would protect me when the mainstream economy failed.

Trevor Noah in The Daily Show - Juni 2022

Bitcoin Cryptocurrencies

Usually, when Boris Johnson takes a position, the opposite position is the right one. That's why his hair is always like, "Wherever he goes, I'm going the other way."

Trevor Noah in The Daily Show - Juni 2022

Boris Johnson

I'm just curious about how you even know when Rudy Giuliani is drunk. No, because when a normal person is drunk, they say crazy things, they yell, they sweat a lot. So how does that work with Rudy? Does it work in reverse? Like, does he start talking normally, his hair die sucks back into his hair?

Trevor Noah in The Daily Show - Juni 2022

Rudy Giuliani

If you dare as an organization to certify the cancellation of the McRib, I will not accept those results. I'm gonna get a group of people together and we're going to travel and we're going to march down to McDonald's headquarters. We're going to McDonald's the first week of January to start the year off with a bang.

Roy Wood Jr. in The Daily Show

McDonald's

No one has ever been delighted to be in Boston in December. December? What are you excited about? "Oh, I love chapped lips and getting thrown up on by Patriots fans, how peachy."

Trevor Noah in The Daily Show - December 2022

New England Patriots Boston

Today is Spotify-Wrapped-Day. The day that Spotify looks at our music and reminds us that we're all a basic b*tch. Thank God, Tinder doesn't do a year-end wrap-up just to remind you of all the terrible decisions you made on desperate nights.

Trevor Noah in The Daily Show - December 2022

Tinder Spotify

California has officially announced that jaywalking is now no longer a crime. So congratulations to the Californians who like walking places. This is great news for the six of you.

Trevor Noah in The Daily Show - October 2022

California

The next World Cup will be in the US. Which means all the players will be allowed to use guns. Don't worry, they can't use their hands to shoot them... should be interesting.

Trevor Noah in The Daily Show - December 2022

FIFA World Cup 2026

The house still passed a gun-control bill. The only problem is that everyone already knows that it has zero chance of passing in the senate. Which has got to be rough for the house. You work so hard on something that you know is going to lose. They're like the New York Knicks of legislation.

Trevor Noah in The Daily Show - Juni 2022

NRA New York Knicks

North Korea, voted Korea of the year by North Korea Magazine for the past three decades.

Trevor Noah in The Daily Show - Juni 2022

North Korea

Interviewer: "Have you ever socialized with Donald Trump in the presence of females under the age of 18?"
Epstein: "Though I'd like to answer that question, at least today, I'm going to have to assert my 5th, 6th, and 14th Amendment Right, sir."

Jeffrey Epstein - March 2010

Donald Trump The Epstein Files

I want people to understand the power, the responsibility, and the burden of their money.

Jeffrey Epstein

I just want you to know I'm not a pedophile. Maybe the only thing worse than being called a pedophile is being called a hedge fund manager.

Jeffrey Epstein

Welcome to the Burning Man Festival 2015 in the middle of buttf*ck nowhere, a Mekka, a melting pot of STDs.

Ozzy Man Reviews - MEGA COMPILATION #4

Festivals Burning Man

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.

Thomas Jefferson in Declaration of Independence

Human Rights USA Famous Quotes Independence Day

Words of affirmation!? I was raised by Asian parents. I've never heard one word of affirmation in my life. Their love language is verbal abuse.

Jimmy O. Yang

Asia

Halloween. The one day of the year it's socially acceptable to play dress-up. The only question is, who do you want to be? There are costumes to make men feel like boys again. Or turn little girls into queens.

Gossip Girl in Gossip Girl - Season 3

Halloween

No wonder the city never sleeps, it's too busy trying to get laid.

Carrie Bradshaw in Sex And The City - Season 1 Episode 11

Sex New York City

Dad, I'll make you a Bumble. You're way too old for Tinder.

Christmas With You

Tinder

Lord, give me coffee to change the things I can and virtual reality to accept the things I can't.

Virtual Reality

Give me your love and not your like!

Internet Social Media

Buck: "Take a gander at them moccasins. What kind of skins is them?"
Stubble: "What's that writin' mean? 'Neekay'? What is that? Some sort of Injun talk or somethin'?"

Back to the Future

Nike

Fortnite really is just the perfect storm of a game. You have the fact that it's free to play on almost every platform, and everything about the game is enjoyable.

Ninja

Fortnite

Kim Jong-un is very isolated in his own country. He's the only obese person in North Korea.

Olaf Schubert in heute-show - heute-show vom 08.09.2017

Kim Jong Un North Korea

One of the main differences between Munich and Berlin is that when thousands of people get drunk in silly clothes and start vomitting, we don't call it "Oktoberfest", we call it "Tuesday".

Felix Lobrecht

Berlin Munich Oktoberfest

To never be sick can't be healthy.

Karl Valentin

Illness & Sickness

A Christian telling an atheist they're going to hell is as scary as a child telling an adult they're not getting any presents from Santa.

Ricky Gervais

Atheism Santa Claus Hölle

Life is so damn short. For f's sake, just do what makes you happy!

Bill Murray

Life

The best Quotes by Ronny Chieng

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