The best Quotes by Ron Swanson

If you don't believe in love, what's the point of living?

I once worked with a guy for three years and never learned his name. Best friend I ever had. We still never talk sometimes.

There's only one thing I hate more than lying: skim milk. Which is water that is lying about being milk.

Dear frozen yogurt, you are the celery of desserts. Be ice cream, or be nothing.

Clear alcohols are for rich women on diets.

There has never been a sadness that can't be cured by breakfast food.

Jogging is the worst. I know it keeps you healthy, but God, at what cost?

One time my refrigerator stopped working. I didn't know what to do. I just moved.

What I hear when I'm being yelled at is people caring really loudly at me.

I would like a glass of red wine and I'll take the cheapest one you have because I can't tell the difference.

I'm big enough to admit that I am often inspired by myself.

I'm going to tell you a secret about everyone else's job: no one knows what they are doing. Deep down, everyone is just faking it until they figure it out.

No matter what I do, literally nothing bad can happen to me. I'm like a white, male U.S. Senator.

Calzones are pointless. They're just pizza that's harder to eat. No one likes them.

Ugh. I hate talking to people about things.

I'm allergic to sushi. Every time I eat more than 80 sushis, I barf.

The raccoon problem is under control. They have their part of the town and we have ours.

I don't want to be overdramatic, but today felt like a hundred years in hell and the absolute worst day of my life.

I stand behind my decision to avoid salad and other disgusting things.

Guys love it when you can show them you're better than they are at something they love.

Halloween is my favorite holiday. It's just the best. And I don't have to work! Hey sl*tty teenage girls dressed as sexy kittens, pump your own stomachs this year!

I had to call in a few favors. But if you don't call in favors to look at women in bikinis and assign them numerical grades, what the hell do you call in favors for?

I have never taken the high road. But I tell other people to ‘cause then there's more room for me on the low road.

I'm like an elephant, okay? If I walk into a room, it's like, okay, he's in there.

I wasn't listening but I strongly disagree with Ann.

Sometimes you gotta work a little so you can ball a lot.

Time is money; Money is power; Power is pizza; Pizza is knowledge. Let's go!

She's the worst person I've ever met. I want to travel the world with her.

We have to remember what's important in life: friends, waffles, and work. Or waffles, friends, work. But work has to come third.

I'm gonna get drunk and then I'm gonna order a three-course meal where each course is made of dessert.

Everything hurts and I'm dying.

Idaho cut their parks department by 80 percent. And Idaho is basically one giant park.

Ross: "I could ask her to live with me. I mean, why not?"
Chandler: "Because you've only known her for six weeks. I've got a carton of milk in my refrigerator I've had a longer relationship with."

Robin, girls are like cartons of milk. Each one has a hotness expiration date and you've hit yours. I'm not saying the occasional guy won't still open the fridge, pick you up, give a sniff, shrug and take a sip anyway, but it's all downhill from here.

You can't ruin a friendship with sex. That's like trying to ruin ice cream with chocolate sprinkles

Hey kid, you know how your mom won't let you have icecream 'til after dinner, but then the waiting kind of makes it taste better? Well, I've been waiting two months for that bowl of ice cream - and tonight I'm gonna have sex with it.

Potatoes become french fries, chips and vodka. I'm starting to think that other vegetables aren't really trying.

I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... and try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.

More tequila
More love
More anything
More is better

She's holding that bottle of tequila like a life vest.

Lip: "Hey, whoa. You really think they deserve your hard-earned money for that service?"
Frank: "Dine and dash?"
Lip: "Bite and bolt."
Frank: "Eat it and beat it?"