The best Quotes by Roger the Alien

Oh, I love your religion... for the crazy! Virgin birth. Water into wine. It's like Harry Potter, but it causes genocide and bad folk music.

In a hundred years, when there’s a million jerks riding around Manhattan drunk in limos, the west will seem like a paradise.

The resistance to science is idiotic.

I can't believe I am hosting the Oscars. It's an honor everyone else said no.

If something is shocking without being funny it's hard to justify.

I'm wide open to getting married, but actors are not easy people to date. You end up sharing that person with this other mistress that is their career. I very much like the traditional courtship method of making a date. That's what they do in normal places, but Hollywood's not normal.

'The Brady Bunch' asks nothing of you as a viewer. Sometimes is just what the doctor ordered.

Guns don't kill people, people kill people! Guns defend people against people with smaller guns.

There's an old German saying: 'Don't blame the fish!' There are other sayings, but they mostly involve genocide...

Gummi Bears?! He replaced my bullets with Gummi Bears from the mini bar... that's gonna cost me $7!

A real New York hotel! How many Wall Street bankers have had their first prostitute here?

Stan, we can't have a grown woman acting like a child in our house. This ain't no Disney Channel.

Roger: "I once survived four days in a Del Taco parking lot extracting life-saving nutrients from puddles and bird shit."
Steve: "Why didn't you just go into the Del Taco?"
Roger: "I'm a Taco Bell man."

Doctors are stupid, Roger. They're just failed dentists.

When I joined the CIA, I knew the deal. If we make a mistake, we cover it up. Like the time Dick accidentally created feline AIDS and we covered it up by blaming it on gay cats.

I’m gonna go hit the sack, and then probably go to bed.

Hello, Bill Gates? Turns out I’m the richest guy in the world, because I have an adoring wife and a loving family.
Hello, UNICEF? Yes, I’d like to donate some of my immense riches. What’s that? Children are still starving in Africa because wife love is worthless to you? What an odd policy!

Christians who pray are like pillars that carry the world.

You don't need to go to church to be a Christian. If you go to Taco Bell, that doesn't make you a taco.

It will vanish and shrink. I needn't argue with that; I'm right and I will be proved right. We're more popular than Jesus now; I don't know which will go first - rock and roll or Christianity.

When I'm 80 years old and sitting in my rocking chair, I'll be reading Harry Potter. And my family will say to me, "After all this time?" And I will say: "Always."

J.K. Rowling created seven Horcruxes. She put a part of her soul in every book and now her books will live forever.

Maybe Harry Potter is real and you're not.

I guess I just picked a whole bouquet of oopsie-daisies.

Ah, saturday afternoon TV. Where the sneaky networks hide all the good shows.

Boil water? What, am I a chemist?