My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.
Rodney DangerfieldI found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
Reducing Weight, Fat PeopleRodney DangerfieldSome dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.
Rodney DangerfieldI told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.
Rodney DangerfieldI drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.
CocktailsRodney DangerfieldMy uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.
Rodney DangerfieldI could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
Rodney DangerfieldMy wife can't cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. An antler got stuck in my throat.
Rodney DangerfieldMy psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.
Rodney DangerfieldWhen I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.
Rodney DangerfieldMy wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.
Rodney DangerfieldI looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
Rodney DangerfieldThe way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
Rodney DangerfieldWhen I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
Rodney Dangerfield