My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.
My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.
I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.
I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.
I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.
I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.
My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.
I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
My wife can't cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. An antler got stuck in my throat.
My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.
When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.
My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.
I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.
When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.