The best Quotes by Rodney Dangerfield

My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.

My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.

I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.

Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.

I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.

My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.

I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

My wife can't cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. An antler got stuck in my throat.

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.

My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.

On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.

When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.

That's L.A. They worship everything and they value nothing.

Welcome to a city where people trying to disappear aren't actually trying.

I lived in L.A. for a few months. It seemed like no one there had parents. Or if they did have parents, they would deny it.

Linda: "Why did you decide to come to Los Angeles?"
Lucifer: "The same reason as everyone else: the weather, p*rnstars, Mexican food."

People here in Los Angeles are disgusted now about a sex scandal involving Arnold Schwarzenegger. Apparently for seven years, he carried on a sexual relationship with his own wife.

Los Angeles was the kind of place where everybody was from somewhere else and nobody really droppped anchor.

California has officially announced that jaywalking is now no longer a crime. So congratulations to the Californians who like walking places. This is great news for the six of you.

New Mexico. It's another state. I mean, it's like California, just less traffic.

We all have our little faults. Mine's in California.

All creative people should be required to leave California for three months every year.

Helsinki may not be as cold as you make it out to be, but California is still a lot nicer. I don't remember the last time I couldn't walk around in shorts all day.

The apparent ease of California life is an illusion, and those who believe the illusion real live here in only the most temporary way.

It's the way it works: Love plus time minus distance equals hate.

Don't waste so much time thinking about how much you weigh. There is no more mind-numbing, boring, idiotic, self-destructive diversion from the fun of living.

Chefkoch: "Well, if you want him to get really fat as fast as possible, one of you will have to marry him."
Stan: "Marry him?"
Chefkoch: "It definitely worked for every woman i ever met."

You should never trust a woman who just had her heart broken. We tend to lie.

Samantha: "I think it's sad the way she's using a child to validate her existence."
Carrie: "Exactly. Why can't she just use sex and a nice cocktail like the rest of us?"

If nagging were an Olympic sport, my Aunt Voula would win a gold medal!

Halloween. The one day of the year it's socially acceptable to play dress-up. The only question is, who do you want to be? There are costumes to make men feel like boys again. Or turn little girls into queens.

Kim Jong-un is very isolated in his own country. He's the only obese person in North Korea.

One of the main differences between Munich and Berlin is that when thousands of people get drunk in silly clothes and start vomitting, we don't call it "Oktoberfest", we call it "Tuesday".

To never be sick can't be healthy.

A Christian telling an atheist they're going to hell is as scary as a child telling an adult they're not getting any presents from Santa.

Life is so damn short. For f's sake, just do what makes you happy!

Life is fleeting. And if you're ever distressed, cast your eyes to the summer sky when the stars are strung across the velvety night. And when a shooting star streaks through the blackness, turning night into day... make a wish and think of me.

This is the end of Wladimir Putin.

People say that money changes people. It really doesn't. Money don't change people. Money allows you to be more of who you really are. If you're a kind person when you get a lot of money, you become a kinder person. If you're an a-shole when you get a lot of money, you become a big a-shole. When you see rich people acting like a-sholes it's 'cause they've always been one.

Life is too short to worry about what others say about you. Have fun and give them something to talk about.

If you see German soldiers, don't panic. They are here to help.