The best Quotes by Rodney Dangerfield

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.

Women

I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.

Cocktails

My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.

Uncles & Aunties

I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

My wife can't cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. An antler got stuck in my throat.

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.

My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.

On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.

Halloween

When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.

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That's L.A. They worship everything and they value nothing.

Sebastian Wilder in La La Land

Los Angeles

Welcome to a city where people trying to disappear aren't actually trying.

Joe Goldberg in You - Season 2 Episode 2

Los Angeles

I lived in L.A. for a few months. It seemed like no one there had parents. Or if they did have parents, they would deny it.

Catherine O'Hara

Los Angeles

Linda: "Why did you decide to come to Los Angeles?"
Lucifer: "The same reason as everyone else: the weather, p*rnstars, Mexican food."

Lucifer Morningstar in Lucifer - Season 1 Episode 3

Los Angeles

People here in Los Angeles are disgusted now about a sex scandal involving Arnold Schwarzenegger. Apparently for seven years, he carried on a sexual relationship with his own wife.

Craig Kilborn

Los Angeles

Los Angeles was the kind of place where everybody was from somewhere else and nobody really droppped anchor.

Michael Connelly in The Lincoln Lawyer - The Brass Verdict

Los Angeles

California has officially announced that jaywalking is now no longer a crime. So congratulations to the Californians who like walking places. This is great news for the six of you.

Trevor Noah in The Daily Show - October 2022

California

New Mexico. It's another state. I mean, it's like California, just less traffic.

Lalo Salamanca in Better Call Saul - Season 6 Episode 5

California New Mexico

We all have our little faults. Mine's in California.

Lex Luthor in Superman

California

All creative people should be required to leave California for three months every year.

Gloria Swanson

California

Helsinki may not be as cold as you make it out to be, but California is still a lot nicer. I don't remember the last time I couldn't walk around in shorts all day.

Linus Torvalds

California Helsinki

The apparent ease of California life is an illusion, and those who believe the illusion real live here in only the most temporary way.

Joan Didion

California

It's the way it works: Love plus time minus distance equals hate.

Louis C. K. - 2017

Relationships Marriage

Don't waste so much time thinking about how much you weigh. There is no more mind-numbing, boring, idiotic, self-destructive diversion from the fun of living.

Meryl Streep

Self-Confidence Reducing Weight

Chefkoch: "Well, if you want him to get really fat as fast as possible, one of you will have to marry him."
Stan: "Marry him?"
Chefkoch: "It definitely worked for every woman i ever met."

Chef in South Park - Season 6 Episode 2

Fat People

You should never trust a woman who just had her heart broken. We tend to lie.

Bree Van De Kamp in Desperate Housewives - Season 1 Episode 12

Women Breakup

Samantha: "I think it's sad the way she's using a child to validate her existence."
Carrie: "Exactly. Why can't she just use sex and a nice cocktail like the rest of us?"

Samantha Jones in Sex And The City - Season 1 Episode 10

Sex Cocktails

If nagging were an Olympic sport, my Aunt Voula would win a gold medal!

Toula Portokalos in My Big Fat Greek Wedding

Uncles & Aunties

Halloween. The one day of the year it's socially acceptable to play dress-up. The only question is, who do you want to be? There are costumes to make men feel like boys again. Or turn little girls into queens.

Gossip Girl in Gossip Girl - Season 3

Halloween

Kim Jong-un is very isolated in his own country. He's the only obese person in North Korea.

Olaf Schubert in heute-show - heute-show vom 08.09.2017

Kim Jong Un North Korea

One of the main differences between Munich and Berlin is that when thousands of people get drunk in silly clothes and start vomitting, we don't call it "Oktoberfest", we call it "Tuesday".

Felix Lobrecht

Berlin Munich Oktoberfest

To never be sick can't be healthy.

Karl Valentin

Illness & Sickness

A Christian telling an atheist they're going to hell is as scary as a child telling an adult they're not getting any presents from Santa.

Ricky Gervais

Atheism Santa Claus Hölle

Life is so damn short. For f's sake, just do what makes you happy!

Bill Murray

Life

Life is fleeting. And if you're ever distressed, cast your eyes to the summer sky when the stars are strung across the velvety night. And when a shooting star streaks through the blackness, turning night into day... make a wish and think of me.

Robin Williams

Shooting Stars

This is the end of Wladimir Putin.

Jan Böhmermann - February 2022

Vladimir Putin Russia-Ukraine War

People say that money changes people. It really doesn't. Money don't change people. Money allows you to be more of who you really are. If you're a kind person when you get a lot of money, you become a kinder person. If you're an a-shole when you get a lot of money, you become a big a-shole. When you see rich people acting like a-sholes it's 'cause they've always been one.

Steve Harvey - February 2021

Money

Life is too short to worry about what others say about you. Have fun and give them something to talk about.

Kevin Hart

Gossip & Rumors

Some a-hole leaks it online and I'm like, you know, looking at the guy in the mirror brushing my teeth, "Dude, what have you done? This could be punishable by law!" But the internet forced the studio to say, "We're gonna make this movie", and 24 hours later, that movie had a green light.

Ryan Reynolds - September 2025

Deadpool

The best Quotes by Rodney Dangerfield

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