Quotes from Rick and Morty

Rick: 'Guests are fans, Morty, which we are not. We'd like professional badges.'
'Do you have a crew?'
Rick: 'Yes. He's a getaway driver with Asperger's and my butthole is a demolitions expert.'

Now if you'll excuse me, I've got a quick solo adventure to go on and this one will not be directed by Ron Howard.

Rick: 'Hey Morty, quick favor.'
Morty: 'What, cover me in gasoline and spiders? Fine, yeah, I'm in.'
Rick: 'Wasn't my first pitch but hey, not gonna waste this opportunity.'

Summer: 'It is a hot photo. I think grief flushes her cheeks. Dad, you hardly put any sirup on.'
Beth: 'Honey, stop raising your father's colesterol so you can take a hot funeral selfie.'
Summer: 'I never get to do anything.'

Jerry: 'I wish that shotgun was my penis.'
Beth: 'If it were, you could call me Ernest Hemingway.'

I know that new situations can be intimidating. You look around, and it's all scary and different. But meeting them head-on, charging right into them like a bull, that's how we grow as people.

You're both young, you're both unsure about your place in the universe, and you both want to be Grandpa's favorite. I can fix this. Morty, sit here. Summer, you sit here. Now, listen - I know the two of you are very different from each other in a lot of ways, but you have to understand that as far as Grandpa's concerned, you're both pieces of shit! Yeah, I can prove it mathematically. Actually, l-l-let me grab my whiteboard. This has been a long time coming, anyways.

Weddings are basically funerals with cake.

Nobody exists on purpose. Nobody belongs anywhere. We're all going to die. Come watch TV?

Morty: 'Rick, can we not leave without my sister?'
Rick: 'Ugh. You have infinite sisters, Morty. Not that I want to spend the rest of my day looking for another one. Sum-Sum, let's go! Grandpa's concern for your safety is fleeting.'

Rick: "If it's all the same, could we still get our stories straight? Because you're a terrible liar."
Jerry: "You called me a master convincer!"
Rick: "You believed me?"

So you're half cold, unfeeling reptile, half also cold, equally unfeeling machine? Wow, so your origin is what? You fell into a vat of redundancy?

A dad makes a toilet look like R2-D2 and it breaks the front page of Reddit. But I'm Charles Manson because I gave you your own world instead of an iPad.

Morty, he's not gonna donate. You're pitching the police men's ball to a black teenager here.

To live is to risk it all. Otherwise you're just an inert chunk of randomly assembled molecules drifting wherever the universe blows you.

Rick: 'Fuck you, Summer! And fuck the government. And fuck me for letting my car down, which I will never do again.'
Morty: 'Jeez, Rick. You can't say FU to your grand-daughter!'
Rick: 'I just did, Morty. Here's dessert: Fuck you!'

Listen, Morty. I hate to break it to you, but what people call 'Love' is just a chemical reaction that compells animals to breed. It hits hard, Morty, then it slowly fades.

Jerry: 'You don't, by any chance, have some sort of crazy science thing you could wrap up, that might help make this dog a little smarter?'
Rick: 'I thought the whole point of having a dog was to feel superior, Jerry. If I were you, I wouldn't pull that thread.'

You're like Hitler! But even Hitler cared about Germany or something.